Angie Avocado #7
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Art of mild insulting – Part 2
Face it, the people out there are unbridled arguers. Just five seconds of listening transforms you from the president of pleasantness to a hardened spewer of profanities that would make a marine blush
Face it, you’re acting like a bit bull that ate a habanero pepper. But you know it would be so satisfying to insult them. They are such unrelenting pests after all. You want an handy list of ready-made mild-mannered insults in case you need another such scurvy gadfly.
I’m glad you asked.
PAUL’S LIST OF MILD INSULTS
You blanket hog
You germ-ridden sneeze
You spilled milk
You stubbed toe
You nasal trip
You something in my eye
You bean-eating skunk
You butt-dialing cell phone
You static cling
You frizzy hair
You four-minute advertisement break
You junk mail
You robo call
You door-to-door salesman
You road repair
You halitosis
You day at the DMV
You burnt toast
You letter from the IRS
You dripping faucet
You speed bump
You orphan sock
You wilted lettuce
You bread mold
You mislaid car keys
You over ripe avocado
You toilet-paper hoarder
You germ-ridden sneeze
There, you have it. You are now ready for another round of insulting gracefully. Go out and give the give those oafs what for, you magnificent sunbeam, you.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
You don’t want to get Archer Woman angry.
Archer Woman #9
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
1. I’m glad that Hurricane Hilary wasn’t at all terrifying in Poway, CA.
2. It’s prudent to make precautionary measures in advance of a hurricane.
3. Not driving during a huricane is prudent. So is making plans to stay inside. Closing your windows to keep your carpets and furniture from being soaked from possible rain that comes down in sheets.
3A. However, it is prudent to drive away from your home if you live in valley subject to flash floods.
4. Buying up all the toilet paper, water, and canned food goods the day before the expected hurricane is just plain hysteria. Did none of you read about the expected severity of the hurricane? Did you look at any forecasts? Well did you? Did you think ravioli, cleanly wiped butts, and water were all that stood between you and a looming Southern California apocalypse?
5. Full disclosure here. Yesterday, I was at the supermarket gathering fresh ingredients for the tonight’s homemade ravioli. Also, I completely ran out of distilled water for my CPAP machine during the height of the COVID crisis. All drinking water was bought up. None left. All distilled water disappeared from the shelves. I woke up one morning with no distilled water for my CPAP machine.(Fortunately, a friend of a friend 30 miles away scored some for me. If I can’t run my CPAP machine, I will get much less sleep and the sleep I will get is much shallower. And there is always a small, if unknown, chance that I could simply stop breathing without the CPAP. So, I am incredibly dismissive and angry toward panic buyers.
6. You can follow the path and severity of the hurricane by television, radio, and internet. They are quite good at that, really.
7. The hurricane was not bad at all in Poway. Honestly, I went through many much worse rains in Wisconsin.
8. What did I do today? I stayed inside and worked on getting better at making homemade ravioli.
9. News alert: The wind just knocked down a neighbor’s garbage can. Not to worry, Poway will rebuild.
10. I want to thank all of you who worried about me today. I realize that conditions here are often not clear thousands, or even hundreds, of miles away. I feel quite humbled and touched by your concern.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Sue Viva, grew up in the little town of Albondigas, Baja Sur. Her father was a door-to-door salesman of books on toilet paper. Life was hard, except for that month when the fish rendering plant flushed its waste into the town’s water supply. Business boomed then.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
American Dessert
BANANA PEANUT-BUTTER HONEY MILKSHAKE
INGREDIENTS
3 bananas (best when ripe)
2 1/2 cups milk
1/2 cup smooth peanut butter
1/2 tablespoon honey
SPECIAL UTENSIL
blender
PREPARATION
Peel the bananas. Put bananas, milk, peanut butter, and honey in blender. Use “milkshake” setting. Blend until shake is sufficiently smooth for your taste.
This tasty milkshake is a diet buster.
TIDBITS
1) Bees must visit two-million flowers to make one pound of honey. The average worker bee makes 1/12 teaspoon in her lifetime. Bees need to unionize for better working conditions.
2) A 15,000-year-old cave painting shows a human stealing honey from a hive. Oh sure, the little bee visits fifty-five millions flowers in her lifetime and then it’s gone. Honestly, it’s enough to make a grown bee cry.
3) Can bees cry?
4) Honey bees do have five eyes.
5) This makes their going to the optometrist a major event, especially as their command of even the simplest human languages is rather limited.
6) This linguistic deficiency often leads to tragedy. The optometrist doesn’t understand the bee’s buzzing. The bee interprets this incomprehension as an aggressive act.
7) The enraged bee stings the optometrist. The optometrist’s face swells up. The optometrist goes to the hospital. The bee dies.
8) No specialized glasses get sold. News of this leaks to Wall Street. The stock market plunges. Economies collapse. Money becomes worthless. And have you stocked up on toilet paper?
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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