Posts Tagged With: North Pole

I Fight Santa Claus

Man of music, man of rage

Sorry this post had to be filed via a time machine, but I got into a fistfight with Santa Claus. He came down the chimney in the wee hours of Christmas morning. Harry Truman was still president when the chimney was last cleaned. So he got a facefull of dirt and twigs, dust, spider webs, and grimes all over his once red and white suit.

Did he like the fact that there was a fireplace screen and a sofa blocking the chimney’s exit?

No, he did not.

Indeed, he said, “What sort of an aadvark’s butt hole puts a screen and a sofa to block my way? And where the feck are my milk and cookies? This house blows dead bears!”

I drew myself to 90 percent of my full height. “Yeah well, at least I didn’t let my reindeer bully Rudolph and exclude him from their reindeer games, you fat, judgmental bastard. Also, I don’t enslave elves to make toys for me, you ball of Arctic pestilence.”

Then words were said that couldn’t be taken back. Fists were raised. Punches were thrown. I out pummeled fatty, having practiced boxing a little bit in college. However, the Jolly Recluse of the North Pole sure could take a punch. That huge belly of Old Saint Nick absorbed anything I could throw at him. The fight went on for hours until Mr. Claus realized he was behind schedule.

He pointed a finger at  me. “Thanks to you, kids in Sub-Saharan Africa won’t get their presents until noon, Inconceivable, you whining pustule.”

I sneered. “Yeah, your wife living in Barbados, well I’ve had her. Hasta la vista, Santy.”

I will always wonder if I could have handled our meeting better. Ouch, my ribs! The Clausorino sure possessed a mean right jab. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a long, hot bath with Epsom salts.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Misread News Item #2, The Earth

I misread the following news title today:

“Earth Has Tilted 31.5 Inches. That Shouldn’t Happen.”
Popular Mechanics, July 13, 2023

I really thought for an instant that the sentence went as below. I was quite worried for a bit. Wouldn’t climates and weather patterns be affected Alaska could become the new North Pole. The new one, Alaska, would never melt from global warming. Santa Claus wouldn’t have to worry about his workshop falling into the ocean. Besides, Santa would become American. USA! USA!

Misread title #2

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Wanda Wunder Wonders About Santa and Advertising

What are Santa Claus’ costs? It must cost  a fortune to ship lathes and other tooling machines to the North Pole? How does Santa pay for the elves’ housing? Indeed, how does he pay his elves? What will Mr. Claus do if the elves unionize as they have been threatening to do for nearly a year? Is Mrs. Claus high maintenance?

AND WHERE IS IS SANTA CLAUS’ REVENUE?

How do he manage to stay in business year after year without revenue? Where can he get revenue?

Wanda Wunder has an idea.

 

Wanda Wunder #18

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Wander Wunder Wonders About Directions

How does Santa Claus find his way on Christmas Eve?

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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NORAD (North American Defense) Tracks Santa

As of press time, Santa Claus was delivering presents over Tibet. How do we know this? NORAD (North American Defense) tell us . Why does NORAD do this? The official explanation (see below) is that in 1955 Sears accidently gave out the phone number for the CONAD Commander in Chief hotline. Many calls came to this number. The worthy staff decided to run with it and provided “live” updates to all the believing little ones. Staff and kids were so happy about the Santa Claus spotting that it became an annual event.

Yes, 364 days a year NORAD does protect America from nuclear and other threats coming over the North Pole. But on Christmas Eve, this worthy arm of America’s armed forces tracks Santa’s gift-giving trip. Give NORAD’s website, http://www.noradsanta.org a look on December 24. There also a Santa app from NORAD, so you can keep of Santa’s sled even when you’re away from your computer.

noradsanta.org was particularly exciting one year when they showed sightings of Santa by F-14s and other jets. One of the sightings had an Air Force pilot telling how he was providing fighter escort over Rio de Janeiro, I think, for Santa Claus. Egad, chill out people. No sledjacking. They’re enough presents for everyone. Besides NORAD is full of Santa Claus believers and would take a rather dim view of anyone causing Santa any grief.

noradsan.jpg

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Pork With Camembert

French Entree

PORK WITH CAMEMBERT

INGREDIENTS

1½ pounds pork tenderloin
¼ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon butter
1 tablespoon olive oil
3 tablespoons white wine
½ cup heavy whipping cream or crême fraîche
1 tablespoon fresh* herbs (thyme, marjoram, or sage)
4 ounces Camembert cheese, no rind
2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
3 sprigs fresh parsley

* = Try to use fresh ingredients for this dish. However, if that is not possible, use 1 teaspoon dried herbs.

SPECIAL UTENSIL

kitchen mallet

Serves 4. Takes 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

Slice pork tenderloin crossways into slices 1″ thick. Put pork slices on flat surface. Use the flat side of the mallet to pound slices until they become ½” thick. Rub pepper and salt onto slices. Add butter and olive oil to pan. Warm butter using medium heat until butter melts and browns. Tilt pan occasionally to ensure even melting. Add pork slices. Sauté at medium heat for 4 minutes per side. Remove pork slices to dish and cover to keep warm. Keep liquid in pan.

Add wine to pan. Bring to boil using high heat. Stir frequently. Add whipping cream and herbs. Stir. Bring to boil again using high heat. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to medium high. Add Camembert cheese and Dijon mustard. Stir constantly until cheese dissolves and blends into the rest of the sauce. Pour sauce over pork slices. Garnish each place with a sprig of parsley.

TIDBITS

1) The above picture proves pork tenderloins covered with Camembert sauce always point to Magnetic North, even when close to the North Pole. Sure, this dish doesn’t pack as many calories for the hard-working dog sledder as does pemmican. And yes, cooking pork with Camembert in the frigid, howling Arctic winds can be difficult, but the entree’s dependability cannot be denied. Indeed, as Peary, the first man to the top of world, would say, “As reliable as pork with Camembert.”

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tacos de Rajas con Crema

Mexican Entree

TACOS DE RAJAS CON CREMA

INGREDIENTStacosderajas

2 tablespoons vegetable oil (2 tablespoons more later)
4 poblano or Anaheim chiles
1 garlic clove
1 medium onion
½ pound Oaxacan cheese or queso fresco
1½ cups crema Mexicana or sour cream
12 8″ corn tortillas

Makes 12 tacos. Takes 1 hour 10 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add 2 tablespoons oil to pan. Heat oil
on high heat until a tiny bit of tortilla starts to (We once thought the Earth looked like this.)
dance. Add poblano chiles. Stir the chiles
occasionally until the chiles blister and blacken all over. (Be careful when frying or sautéing at high heat. When stirring, hold a lid between you and the hot oil when stirring or tilt the pan away from you.) Put poblanos in plastic bags and let steam for 20 minutes. Remove from bags and rub skin off chiles. Discard skins. Seed poblano chiles and cut them into ½” wide strips.

While chiles steam, mince garlic clove and onion. Shred cheese. Add 2 tablespoons oil to, garlic, and onion to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion and garlic soften. Stir frequently. Add poblano strips. Sauté for 2 minutes. Stir frequently. Add crema Mexicana. Reduce heat to medium and cook for 4 minutes or until crema thickens. Stir frequently. Add cheese, Reduce heat to low and simmer for 3 minutes or until cheese melts completely. Stir frequently.

Warm tortillas in pan on high for a few seconds or wrap them in a wet towel and microwave for 1 minute. Warming the tortillas makes them pliable enough to roll. Ladle 1/12th of the poblano/cheese sauce, about 2 tablespoons, onto each warmed tortilla. Roll up tortillas and serve.

TIDBITS

1) Before 1492, many believed the Earth was flat like a tortilla. Others, folks who ate oatmeal all day long, did not care. Then lost spice merchants from India accidentally showed up in Venice carrying peppercorns and basil. It was now possible to make the appetizer, caprese. Life was worth living.

2) Unfortunately, the land route to spice-laden India was blocked by meanies. Columbus, in the world’s first version of The Shark Tank, convinced Queen Isabella to sponsor his historic voyage of discovery. He and his brother Mercator had told her the Earth was round like a cylinder. Later Benedictine monks asserted our planet was rounded like the egg. Finally Peary, explorer and diner, after reaching the North Pole in 1909, concluded our planet is really shaped like a stuffed tomato.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

America’s Gift To The World: Tracking Santa

364 days a year NORAD protects America from nuclear and other threats coming over the North Pole. But on Christmas Eve, this worthy arm of America’s armed forces tracks Santa’s gift-giving trip. Give NORAD’s website, http://www.noradsanta.org a look on December 24. Be sure to watch the videos showing sightings of Santa by F-14s and other jets.

noradsan.jpg

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