Posts Tagged With: farts

Tap the Amazing Healing Properties of Farts

Posted on December 13, 2024 by pauldelancey

For too long people have turned up their noses at farters, even putting distance between themselves and the sonorous tooters. Unfeeling oafs have even given farters names reeking of distain, such as Farty Barty, Stinky Blinky, Mel the Smell, Jean the Bean, Bart the Fart,and so on.

Well such a world view stinks. And its short sighted. Now take a deep breath, relax, and savor the powerful benefits of the rectal blast.

Yes, it’s time to tap the Amazing Healing Properties of Farts.

1) Farting is good for you as it expels toxins.

2) Farting is good for you as your toxic-laden toots gets your nemesis off your ass for a while.

3) Farting is good for you as it helps you lose weight. After all, even the humble fart has mass.

4) Farting is good for you as it releases pressure building in your intestines. Do you really want to be in a crowded theater only to cry out, “Ow, ow, ow, I feel such pain in my abdomen. Such, such pain. If only I could release the pressure with a powerful fart.”

5) Farting is good for you if you’ve fallen face down on super smooth ice. As every action yields an opposite and equal reaction, a goodly barrage of farts will propel you to edge of your frozen lake.

6) Farting is good for you. People who can fart “The Stripper” can always find jobs in gentlemen’s clubs.

7) Farting is good for you. The CIA always searches for people to fart coded messages.

8) Farting is good for you. A vigorous fart bombardment will get you to the head of the line in no time.

9) Farting is good for you. If you’re too shy to say “no,” the non-verbal fart will always convey your response.

10) Farting is good for you. Enough counter farts will repel a tornado.

11) Farting is good for you. Your farts can mask a worse odor.

Well, those are all the benefits that come to nose. Please list any other properties you’ve sniffed out.

 

­- Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
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My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: Butt Munch, fitness, science | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

National Weather Service to Counter Storm Winds

Posted on October 31, 2024 by pauldelancey

Storm hero

Fires can cause untold devastation. Sometimes the only way to stop them is to start counterfires. The counter fires eliminate all burnable vegetation in a strip of land (BVSL).  When the raging inferno reaches the BVSL, there’s nothing left to burn. The conflagration dies out.

If only we could stop gale force winds in the same way.

In fact, the National Weather Service (NWS) has a plan. Simply put, it will deploy its Synchronized Counter Farters (SCFs) to all severe storm fronts. Legions of SCFs will be airlifted en masse to a spot just in front of the approaching gale. CFs will then gorge themselves on buckets of beans. At a signal from the fart coordinater (FC) the SCFs will, as one, point their butts at the approaching wind tsumani and let rip. The resulting butt gale should stop  cold the storm gale.

This approach is, as of press time, untested, but the National Weather Service holds out high hopes for its success. It does, however caution residents and storm chasers to carry nose plugs until the fart odor dissipates.

By the way, the American Bean Growers Association (ABGA) heartily endorses this plan.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
­

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

17 Sure Fire Ways to Lose Weight Quickly

Posted on June 11, 2024 by pauldelancey

You can make this number go down

Let’s face it, many of would like to lose weight.

Unfortunately, many of get weighed at the doctor’s office. You see your weight. You didn’t think it was that high! Goodness. The weight taker sees your weight. She writes it down. What is she thinking? It’s probably, “Tsk, tsk.”

You’re sitting in the waiting room waiting for the dread weighing. (Notice the nifty alliteration? The ancient Norsemen valued alliteration over rhyming in their poetry.)

Anyway what can you do in those precious minutes to lower the number on the scale?

I’m glad you asked.

17 GUARANTEED HACKS TO LOSE WEIGHT IN MINUTES

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1) Just before weighing, remove your wallet and set it aside. (Hey, it weighs something and it’s not even body mass. Why let it count?)

2) Remove your keys.

3) Remove your cell phone, iPad(tm), whatever.

4) Remove your glasses.

5) Remove your contact lens. (Store them carefully.)

6) Remove your shoes. (The doctor’s staff will let you do this.)

7) Remove your belt and as many as the staff will let you get away. (Still not your body mass, so why let it count?)

8) Exhale and hold your breath. (Those air molecules in your lungs must weigh something.

9) Vist the restroom and spit. (Spit has mass.)

10) Pee and poo. (They too have mass.)

11) It’s trying to poo, even the humble fart has mass.)

12) Comb your hair. (Dandruff has mass.)

13) Look for eye boogers and remove them. (Yep, mass.)

14) Clip your fingernails and toenails. (More mass.)

15) Trim your moustache and pluck your eyebrows. (Excess mass that’s staring you in the mirror.)

16) Remove all makeup and nail polish. (Mass, excess mass.)

Now face your weighting with confidence.

17) Oh, and don’t forget to blow your nose.

Get through your visit with the doctor.

Now go home and treat yourself to a chocolate doughnut, you magnificent sunbeam, you.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: life tips | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Fart Primer

Posted on September 16, 2016 by pauldelancey

Our schools teach us how to solve quadratic equations. Our schools teach us how to compose essays on 19th-century English literature. They do not teach real-life survival skills. Specifically, they do not point out what foods make us fart. Say what you will about researching a prospective employer, all will go to naught if you bombard the interviewer with a barrage of deep and sonorous toots. Particularly if your blasts are stinky. So with the public welfare in mind, I present the following list. You’re welcome.

The worst fart causing foods are*:pintobeans

Bacon. Bacon! Bacon tastes great, worth any amount of farts.

Beans! What’s wrong with good ol’ reliable beans? “Beans, beans, the musical fruit . . . ”

Boiled cabbage. Smells like a fart when boiled. Still smells like a fart when farted.

Broccoli. There’s a reason President Bush didn’t like them.

Brussel sprouts. Must be tastier ways to construct a fart.

Candy: Especially if made with artificial sweeteners. Bad for the butt. Bad for the teeth. Bad at both ends.

Carrots: Improves your eyesight and more!

Cauliflower. Don’t let your dog eat this.

Cheese. Essential to modern cuisine, Italian, Mexican, you name it. Causes farts in countries around the world.

Collard Greens. Tasty if cooked right. Generates lethal farts either way.

Curry. The spice, not the actor.

Eggplant. Don’t let your dog eat this either.

Eggs. A versatile culinary ingredients. Eggs are essential to many fine dishes. Cooked by themselves, they are fart-making machies.

Fatty duck. Rendered goose fat is fantastic for making French fries. This dish is truly a doubled-cheeked sword.

French onion soup with cheese. Tastes great. The aroma changes on the way out, though.

Fried food, particularly fried chicken. Sometimes the taste is worth the consequences.

Frog legs. Why? Why? Why?

Lentils. Very vegetarian and vegan friendly. Not nose friendly.

Lutefisk. Smells horrible. Farting in a room with lutefisk will only make things smell better.

Milk. Especially if you have trouble breaking down lactose. Bowls of cereals, time bombs for the classroom.

Mushrooms. Slimy and fart causing.

Onion rings. Their taste will make guests want to come over. The farts will make them want to leave. Win. Win.

Pineapples. Visions of Hawaii. Odors of Hell.

Prunes. Makes you toot. Opens open your sluice gates as well.

Reconstituted beans. sulpher bombs. The ones backpackers use these on cross country trips. Your fellow trekkers will really believe they’re smelling a geyser or volcano.

Smoked oysters. Produce gourmet farts.

Snails with butter. Ew! Gross! Snails with anything are gross, expensive too. May I suggest beans?

Stuff canned in cottonseed oil. One of the food industry’s finest food-like products.

Tripe. Inards. Enough said. Stick with beans

* = Warning, results may vary.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: food | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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