FIRST WRITING HAIKU
My novel’s stalled.
How shall I save the hero?
So I write haiku.
SECOND WRITING HAIKU
I can’t write the scene.
Words fail me. I keep hearing,
Iggy piggy poo.
– Paul R. De Lancey, Bad Artist
Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook
or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com
Love Haiku
My dear sweet darling
I love you even more than
I hate computers.
– Paul R. De Lancey, Bad Artist
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
end of the universe. Thank goodness, it wasn’t, huh? Anyway, my homework and the anti-homework obliterated each other.– (your name here)
2) My homework got contaminated with ebola. Turning it in would only put you at great risk.
3) Plate tectonics, need I say more?
4) I was so tired when I did my homework that I inadvertently switched over to the ancient Incan language. Unfortunately, I don’t speak Ancient Incan, so I’ll need more time to redo it in English.
Surly potatoes
5) Lutefisk vendors moved into the neighborhood. Things got ugly.
6) I wrote my homework on edible paper. Then the dog ate it.
7) The dog ralphed the homework back up, but I figured you wanted something with clean, attractive margins.
8) My homework was erased from the hard drive by the NSA before I could print it out.
11) I took a shortcut to school through Boko Haram territory and they burned my homework in hatred for all Western teaching.
12) I got depressed over Sweden’s treatment in the Treaty of Westphalia in 1648.
13) I’m living backward in time like Benjamin Button. I just haven’t unwritten it yet.
14) The mysterious forces that take single socks from the clothes dryer have switched to taking my homework.
15) Spontaneous combustion. Hoo boy! Good thing it didn’t happen while you were grading it.
16) I wrote it on ancient papyrus. London’s Museum of Egyptology wanted the papyrus back.
17) My homework got sucked into a black hole that’s parked outside my front door. Come in through the back if you want to speak to my parents.
18) There were surly potatoes between me and my homework.
– Paul R. De Lancey, friend of students everywhere.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
I got an internet ad enticing me to fly a plane, no experience necessary. Darn exciting offer, yet I declined. I fear my piloting would end up as high-impact aerobics. Also, property values along my proposed flight path would likely plummet as soon as word got out. On the other hand, this is a mistake I could only make once.
“He flies through the air
“with the greatest of ease,
“The daring young man
“With the flying machine.”
– Paul R. De Lancey, Intrepid Birdman
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Fortunately, Mr. Munch, love the name, deposits his paychecks directly to the car dealership.
And now a haiku for car repair bills.
#$%@@! $%#&*
%^(*{!@ !@#%*+ ++|!
!@#@@##
– Paul the Bad Artist
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
–
Bashar al-Assad, president and dictator of Syria is getting way too cranky and needs to step down. And if the only thing that’s making him cling so tenaciously to power is the lack of a good retirement dinner, I, the Powegian Chef, am hereby offering it to him at my humble home.
So, Bashar, do you like Greek cuisine? I have fresh grape leaves growing in my front yard. Or would you prefer a fine Cuban sandwich? I’ll leave the menu to you. Just let me know.
We could watch reruns of Gunsmoke after dinner. We have a fold-out sofa bed if you’d care to stay the night. For the first ten minutes of the next day we could visit the cultural sites of Poway, twenty if we’re lucky enough to see street repair.
My wife could expertly cut your hair. Just a trim, of course, your hair always looks great. And just how do you find time to go to barbers when you’re always so busy killing off your people? Some of those victims surely must be barbers and that means it’s even tougher to get that haircut-to-kill for look . Yep, it can’t be easy being a maniacal dictator. But I’m being uncharitable. We all have our faults. Me, I’m constantly losing my car keys.
But I digress. We were talking about dinner. Frankly, a person as odious as yourself deserves to be fed lutefisk. But in the spirit of live and let live, I’ll serve you any other meal you’d might want. We’ll even have ice cold root beers. If that doesn’t make you warm and fuzzy enough to call off your civil war, I don’t know what will. C’mon over Bashar!
– Paul De Lancey, concerned world citizen
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Very Simple Chiseling Haiku
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
Tap, tap, tap, tap, oops.
– Paul the Bad Artist
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Modern Art Haiku
I don’t understand you
And you do not understand me
Let’s have a root beer.
– Paul the Bad Artist
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Take my beautiful, adoring women. Please!
According to the advertisements I get on line, there are literally dozens of beautiful women eager to have me invest in foreign currencies. Of course, this is all understandable as I know the purchasing-power parity condition, e.g.,
Price of Big Mac (denominated in dollars) = ($/Euro) * Price of Big Mac (denominated in euros)
However, I already have a wife who would love me even if I didn’t understand foreign exchange. So, I don’t need these beauties and their euros and yen. I’m sure my wife would feel the same as well.
So, visit me on Facebook and claim one of my admirers. It would be nice, if at the same time, you purchased one of my novels. I mean, fair is fair.
I could have had a really cool photo of a 5 lempira note from Honduras but I’m having problems with my scanner. Sorry.
– Paul R. De Lancey, Dreamer
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Haiku to Heteroskedasticity
Some words are quite long
Heteroskedasticity
Is one of those those.*
* = “Those those” because the last line needs five syllables. Haikus aren’t easy to write either.
– Paul R. De Lancey, Bad Artist
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Paul De Lancey's Blog 