Posts Tagged With: beneficial

I Again Simplify Federal Taxes

I spend bits of time all year long assembling documents for my taxes. I spent more time this month. I labored all freakin’ day collating information that gladdens the  IRS’ heart.

What really gets my goat is that frigging complicated tax form. With all the schedules that go along with the main page, a taxpayer could easily fill out over 30 pages. You’ll need to hire a tax preparer. That’ll run you hundreds of dollars. And that’s after spending three days assembling all the information. What makes it even more horrible is that the IRS scans all the returns looking for mistakes.

Looking for mistakes. Let that sink in. That means they already have the numbers you need to type in on the forms. And they will tell you when they think–no, when they now–you are wrong. What can be done to fix all this madness and frustration?

I’m glad you asked. Let the IRS do your taxes for you, They know what they want on your forms, schedules, and attachments anyway. I hereby propose a new and quite simple form to replace all the tree-devouring pages you used to submit.

Much of this rant comes from a blog written three years ago. But, as you can see the IRS has neglected to enact my clever, nifty idea. So, it is with a sense of eternal optimist that I suggest brilliantly simple tax form.

It’s called the 1040-P. (P stands for Paul, me. I created this glorious, time saving, liberating page. I deserve some recognition.)

Anyway, I give you the 1040-P

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: finance | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

National Egg Painting Days

Who doesn’t love eggs? No one! Who loves paintings? Most of Us. So, it stands to reason that paintings  of eggs are the bees’ knees. Of course, they are. With that in mind the American Egg Producers (AEP) and the National Association of Museums (NAM) are proud to host Great Egg Paintings exhibits across the country from May 1st to October 22nd. Be sure to go; you’ll be impressed and uplifted.

Lebrun’s still-life painting, “Les Oeufs Jolie”

 

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: art | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Super Powers #1, Washing Water

How does Paul get his water so clean?

Most people, if they wish to have truly clean water,  go to the supermarket to buy distilled water, purified water, or even spring water. But I don’t have to do anything like that. I clean my water at home. I simply put detergent in the clothes washer and press start. Whizzo, boffo, the washer washes the water filling the washer. Nothing wishy washy about this water washing. It gets the job done. Presto change, I have clean water.

Just remember two things. First, don’t put any clothes in the washer before pressing the start button. You’ll end up washing your clothes, not the water. Second, be sure to scoop out your water before the washer drains the water.

And you too can develop this super power with a little practice.

You super man, or woman, you.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: about me, super powers | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Collard Greens

American Appetizer

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SLOW COOKER COLLARD GREENS

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INGREDIENTS
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2 pounds collard greens
1 onion
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
1 tablespoon brown sugar
3 garlic cloves
2 ham hocks
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 teaspoon salt
5 cups water
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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2 3-quart slow cookers or 1 6-quart slow cooker
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Serves 6. Takes 6 hours 40 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Cut collard greens into 1″ squares. Dice onion. Add all ingredients to slow cookers. Arrange ingredients so that ham hocks are in the middle. Slow cook on high for 6 hours. Remove ham hock. Remove meat from ham hocks and add to pot. (Discard ham hock.) Stir or until well blended.  Goes well with fried chicken, pork chops, pulled-pork sandwiches, macaroni and cheese and corn bread.
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TIDBITS
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1) This recipe says to collard greens into 1″ squares.
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2) This can be difficult to do as collard-green leaves are not squares.
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3) And if you strive for perfection ,such cutting becomes even harder. You’d have to get out your ruler. Moreover, making completely accurate 90 degrees angle for each square would drive any chef to drink. If you’re a teetotaler, may suggest near beer, or root beer, as your choice?
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4) Now we get to the collard greens’ overwhelming laziness and lack of ambition.
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5) Sure, you could watch television with your bowl of collard greens.
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6) But they will never help you with your crossword puzzles. The only way you could play catch with a bunch of collard greens is to dig a hole, and put the collard greens in the hole. Then toss the baseball into the hole. But even then the collard greens will not toss the ball back to you. This game of catch must be quite short. They will, however, be good listeners while they remain ripe.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

So Tired

I slept even worse than usual. I drove to doctor’s appointment. There was a hospital emergency, so I had to wait quite a bit. It wasn’t the worst of news, but it could have been better. I drove to another crafts place. There seems to be about four different latch-hooks patterns in the whole county. So I purchased one that’s okay. I drove and made Tacos Adobada for the natives.

Monday, I think, Number Two Son and I will drive to his new job in Chicago.

I was tired that I accidently ordered an invasion, but I was so exhausted that I never started the darn thing.

Take care. You’re important to me.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Deep Thought Man on Missing Things

Deep Thought Man has been away for a while. He ponders the secrets of the universe so intently that he often takes the wrong fork in the road and has to backtrack quite a bit.

Deep Thought Man #16

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: Deep Thinker | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What I Didn’t Do Today

My blog double

I took a shower and washed my hair. Things went down from there.

I labored over a spreadsheet for a few hours. An innocent typo let the metaphorical spreadsheet-hating camel poke its nose into the tent. Soon the entire camel was rolling into the spreadheet. And a spreadsheet-covered camel is of no good whatsoever. Have you heard of camel-spreadsheet wrestling? No, I didn’t think so.

So, I had to restore a previous version and redo all my work. Two hours, my battered and bruised brain and fingers had produced a spreadsheet fit to show to an admiring world. But the effort had me questioning the meaning of life. I took solace in philosophy and in a coffee drink.

I drove to Joann’s fabric store. After conversing some time with the help I finally found the latch-hook section. It was tiny. The latch-hook mat patterns were overdone, guffy, and icky. I gave the two 40% off a single purchase coupons I had printed to two wandering customers.

I drove to Michael’s. After an exhausting search, I found no latch-hook section. I looked for a while for an employee. I found none. They were as rare as two perfect games in the same game. I went to checkout. Surely, I would find help there. No one was there. After a few minutes, a customer came to buy her things. She said that the cashier had gone t0 help someone elsewhere. I waited some more. The store’s one employee didn’t come back while I was there.

I went to the grocery store. Got some things. I went home and took a nap.

I am currently trying t0 make brown bread in loaf pans. It doesn’t look like it will turn out well.

Good grief. It’s just as well I don’t actually own a sonic obliterator.

I do hope you’re behaving out there.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: about me, what I did | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Chow Chow

American Appetizer

CHOW CHOW

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INGREDIENTS
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⅓ green cabbage or 2½ cups shredded
⅔ green bell pepper**
⅓ red bell pepper**
1 green tomato*
⅓ sweet onion
2 teaspoons coarse salt
¼ teaspoon celery seeds
¾ teaspoon mustard seeds
¼ teaspoon allspice
¼ teaspoon mustard powder
¼ teaspoon red pepper flakes
¾ cup sugar
¼ teaspoon turmeric
¾ cup white distilled vinegar
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* = Substitute with green-colored heirloom tomato, tomatillo, or just-picked tomato
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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2 4-cup Mason jars.
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Makes 1¾ cups. Takes. 8 hours 40 minutes
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PREPARATION
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Shred, or coarsely chop, green cabbage. Seed and dice green bell pepper and red bell pepper. Dice green tomato and sweet onion. Add cabbage, green bell pepper, red bell pepper, green tomato, onion, and salt  to Mason jar. Cover and let sit in refrigerator for at least 8 hours. Drain liquid.
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Add celery seeds and mustard seeds to pan. Toast for 1 minute at medium-high heat or until seeds become fragrant. Stir frequently. Add allspice, mustard powder, red pepper flakes, sugar, turmeric, and vinegar to pan. Stir occasionally. Add cabbage/veggie mixture. Bring to boil. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to low-medium. Simmer for 15 minutes. Stir occasionally. Ladle contents into Mason jar. Leave ¼” gap at the top of the jar. It should keep for up to 6 weeks in refrigerator.
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TIDBITS
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1) Chow Chow is tasty dish. Chow Chow is also a type of dog. Do not confuse them. You might be wanting a dog for companionship only to find out that the dog you brought home was really relish. You could say hi to it, but it won’t respond. If, however, you made relish chow for chow chows and named it after  your chow-chow dog,”Chow Chow, you could sell Chow Chow Chow Chow’s Chow Chow Chow. This opportunity awaits you. Go for it.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cuisine, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Great News

It’s healthy

Yay! I have been worrying about my heart since something was spotted while beening prepped for my gall-bladder surgery last July. Some tests and monitoring later,  I found out that I have perfectly healthy heart. Yay!

and one more yay!

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: about me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

They Came to Say Hi

The natives and I went to San Diego’s Safari Park on Thursday. We took the tram ride that goes through the middle of the park. While we were riding, Jerry and Gerri Giraffe came up to see us. We spent our time in pleasant conversation. But all too soon, the tram started up again. I bid them adieu. They promised to follow my doings on my blog. We exchanged Facebook(tm) addresses and with that our tram took off. What a pleasant pair of giraffes!

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: about me, what I did | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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