My Mother as a Young Lady

Today was a horrible day. One of my cars started leaking oil. The repair is going to cost a minimum of $1,500 and the handwriting is on the wall for its demise. Maybe it’s as soon as tomorrow. The other car might last another year, Ugh.

Fortunately, a two-week reorganization of the garage, my office, and part of the living room help me uncover this picture of my mom when was especially beautiful.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Henri Hassan McTaggart Omelette

American Breakfast

HENRI HASSAN McTAGGART OMELETTE

INGREDIENTS

¼ onion
¼ cup fresh cilantro
½ red bell pepper
½ celery stalk
½ tablespoon sesame oil
½ tablespoon peanut oil
½ tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
4 ounces ground turkey
¼ cup mild yellow pepper rings
¼ teaspoon parsley
¼ teaspoon coriander
⅛ teaspoon thyme
⅛ cayenne
½ teaspoon cumin
¼ teaspoon bacon bits
¼ cup heavy whipping cream
¼ cup salsa
½ cup five Italian cheeses
12 eggs (wow!)
no-stick cooking spray

Makes 4 three-egg omelettes

SPECIALTY ITEM

No-stick cooking pan

PREPARATION

Dice onion, cilantro, red bell pepper (Will a bull charge a red bell pepper?), and celery. In mixing bowl, blend eggs with a whisk. Pour the blended eggs into a measuring cup. It should make about 2 cups.

Add sesame oil, peanut oil, and olive oil to regular frying pan. Turn heat to medium. You should see little bubbles in the oil when it is hot enough. You can also drop a morsel of meat or onion in the pan. When the morsel starts to cook or move, the oil is ready.

Add ground turkey, onion, cilantro, celery, red bell pepper, yellow pepper rings, parsley, coriander, thyme, cayenne, cumin, and bacon bits. Stir occasionally. Cook at medium-high heat until turkey changes color. Add heavy whipping cream, salsa, and five Italian cheeses. Cook and stir until the cream is completely blended into the mix.

Spray a no-stick pan with a no-stick cooking spray. You need all the no-stick help you can get when making a true omelette. Virtuous living also helps.

(Ideally you want no friction at all so that you could get the spatula under the eggs without a problem. Of course, without friction you couldn’t hold a spatula, turn a doorknob, or walk without falling down.)

The following steps make one omelette. Repeat them to make four omelettes.

Turn heat to medium-high. Pour about ¼th of the blended eggs, or ½ cup, in to the no-stick frying pan.

Shake the pan gently so the eggs evenly cover the pan’s entire surface or makes an egg disc. Put lid on top to make it cook faster. Lift the lid every 15 seconds to see how the eggs are cooking. When the eggs are done to your desired firmness, add the turkey/vegetable mix.

Add ¼ of the pepper/spice/whipping cream/cheeses mix or enough to cover about ½ of the spatula. Put the mix in the center/left of the cooked eggs disc. Gently work the spatula under the left of the egg disc and carefully fold the eggs over the mix. Repeat the fold.

Now, you have something approaching a real omelette, not that flipped over, half-mooned shaped egg thing most restaurants today call omelette. After you have gotten some practice, try folding in the top and bottom of the egg disc a tad before rolling it over. A well made omelette is not only tasty, but a thing of beauty.

TIDBITS

1) Not many people know that during the great Civil War between the North and South that a French/Arab/Scot by the name of Henri Hassan McTaggart terrorized the good folks of Poway, California with his kilted band of desperadoes, Los Biente Bagpipes.

2) No farm, no stagecoach or gold shipment passing through Poway’s fertile valleys was safe from these marauders.

3) Los Biente Tam O’ Shanters always attacked upwind, volley after volley of cat-screeching sounds from their bagpipes. If for some reason that didn’t work they’d don their berets and charge, pistols blazing.

4) It took a whole division of infantry in 1865 to capture Los Biente Tam O’ Shanters. Even so, three got away.

5) Justice prevailed as Powegian courts sentenced the outlaws to hang after the trial.

6) As befitted Powegian tradition, Sheriff Harry Albondigas asked McTaggart what he wished for his last meal.

7) McTaggart asked for: onion, cilantro, red bell pepper, celery, peanut oil, sesame oil, extra-virgin olive oil, ground turkey, yellow pepper rings, parsley, coriander, thyme, cayenne, cumin, bacon bits, heavy whipping cream, salsa, five Italian cheeses, eggs, and no stick spray.

8) By the time the Powegian sheriff assembled these ingredients the remaining Tam O’ Shanters sprung McTaggart from jail.

9) Poway has been the culinary capital of French/Arab/Scottish fusion cuisine ever since. Foosh!

10) Or so people say.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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My Name is Inigo Montoya

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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A Flu Haiku

THE FLU
.
Snot funny, the flu.
I hate it. I so hate it.
This fecking flu. Blecch.
.
.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Why I Hate WalMart

All the following thoughts come from personal experience, from  watching TV, reading articles, and from what I consider reputable online sites, such as Yahoo Finance, CNN, etc.

THING I LIKE ABOUT WALMART(tm)

You can see what WalMart carries and where they stock it. For example, I looked up Nescafe(tm) Cafe Mocha Creamer. Their website walmart.com said they had it and listed to be in 35A. This is wonderful information for someone who needs a particular ingredient and other things. Sure beats the heck of searching stores all around the county, going up and down one aisle after another. Thumbs up, WALMART.

Unfortunately . . .

THINGS I HATE ABOUT WALMART

1) Their chaotic parking lots.

2) Many of their aisles are tiny.

3) Their apparent war on checkers. I went their today. My WalMart had only one of about twenty checkout stands with a person at it. Of course, the line stretched to the next time zone.

4) Not everyone agrees with me on this one. I hate the self-checkout stands. I always have problems with them. I have seen people who’ve had many experiences with this machine, have problems.

5) I DON’T work for WalMart. I don’t want to do the checking out. Don’t make me do something that all other supermarkets and superstores do.

6) Don’t take jobs away  people. Hire more checkers and have fewer checkout machines.

7) Pay your workers more. Do that and stop telling your workers how to get municipal and state assistance. Stop making taxpayers pay your employees.

8) This is no fault of WalMart’s, but more shoppers there seem to block aisles with their carts than anyone else.

9) Hire checkers with more experience. WalMart checkers seem to need more assistance than anywhere else. Walmart might need to pay more money to get better workers to fix this problem.

10) Stop driving long-standing small stores out of business.

11) Then closing a WalMart. Small towns have seen their small stores shut down because of WalMart. Then when WalMart decides to leave, the small community has nothing. No where to shop. Nowhere to get together.

I’m not a complete grump. I do like some supermarkets. They include Stater Bros., Grocery Outlet, and Sprouts. I also like Target.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Fijian Bacon and Banana

Fijian Entree

FIJIAN BACON AND BANANA

INGREDIENTS

8 strips of bacon
4 bananas
½ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon parsley
8 bread slices

PREPARATION

Toast the bread. Lightly coat the toast with paprika and parsley. Peel the bananas. Cut them in half lengthways. Sprinkle pepper and salt on them.

Spray the fry pan with no-stick spray. Fry the bacon until it reaches the desired level of crispiness. Put the bacon on a towel to drain the fat. Fry the bananas for about four minutes on medium-to-high heat.

Put a bacon (BACON!) strip and banana half on each piece of toast. Serve hot.

TIDBITS

1) This dish is a favorite in Fiji where about one in five recipes has banana as an ingredient.

2) It’s more of an acquired taste back here in America. My children did not acquire it.

3) My wife and I honeymooned in Fiji. We had a fancy hut maybe fifty yards from the beach and a coral reef not ten yards from the shore.

4) Fiji suffered two coups after we left. We claim no responsibility.

5) Coconuts are expensive in America. They lay by the dozens along the road near our hut.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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The Saga of the New Stereo System

The new arrival

I have had a rather forlorn stereo system sitting neglected in the corner of my living room. It hadn’t worked well for a long time. The speakers emitted crackling noises the last times I tried to listen to its radio or to records. The CD player refused to release the CD within in it. The leads from the speakers were live wires. The whole system deserved a dignified death. I always meant to do something, yet the years saw backpacks and such get stored in front present an impenetrable barrier.

This reminds me of a joke. Wives, when a husband tells you he will do something, he will do it. There’s no need to remind him every six months.

Anyway, after a scant two decades I mustered up the get and go up to get a new system. Yes, I am rather proud of my initiative.

First, I wanted to find my records for there was no point of getting something with a turntable if I no longer had LPs.

So, I set out to find them in the garage. Unfortunately, they had found themselves a well-hidden lair. I had to pull about half of the boxes and containers away from the walls before I discovered the records. At that point, Number Two Son I agreed that I might as well sort out the garage.

Just 40 hours later, we’d discarded scads of loose papers and books that would never get read before our Sun went super nova. We organized everything into categories and put them into new containers. We labeled them and stacked against the garage wells. It looks so much neater. If you’re in the neighborhood, you really should come and see my orderly garage. I regard the place as one of the Seven Wonders of the Modern World.

I then reorganized my office as I needed to make space for my new system, my records, and my CDs.

My new stereo system arrived just hours after completing all tidying up. Here it is. It works and looks so neat.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Absolutely Accurate Forecasts of Everything for 2023

The world is a chaotic and often terrifying place. What will happen to us? What should we do? It all seems so unpredictable.

But that simply isn’t so.

Listed below are compelling issues and events, that I follow and know something about, and that really must be prognosticated if we are to facing the buffeting events of our future.

And this is what the experts say:

The Stock Market: It will either go up or down. And they are rather certain of that.

Inflation: It will go up, stay the same, or go down.

Severity of the Coming Recession: It will be hard or mild.

Length of Putin’s War in the Ukraine: It will end soon or drag on.

I could go on, but I don’t want to give everything way.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Chicken Sour Cream Soup

American Soup

CHICKEN SOUR CREAM SOUP

INGREDIENTS

½ red onion
2 ripe red tomatoes
3 red bell peppers
2 pounds chicken breasts
1½ tablespoons peanut oil (1½ more tablespoons later)

1½ tablespoons peanut oil
1 teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice
2 teaspoons coriander
2 tablespoons paprika
½ teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon parsley
1 pound sour cream
1 pound chicken broth
½ pound Ricotta cheese

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Dutch oven

PREPARATION

Dice red onion. Remove seeds and stems from tomatoes. Chop tomatoes and bell peppers into ½-inch squares. Chop chicken breasts into 1-inch cubes.

Put 1½ tablespoons peanut oil in Dutch oven. Add chicken cubes. Add poultry spice, coriander, paprika, salt, and parsley. Cook on medium heat for about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Put 1½ tablespoons peanut oil in saucepan. Add red onion, tomato, and bell pepper. Cook on medium heat for about 6 minutes or until red onion becomes tender or translucent.

Combine red onion, tomato, and bell pepper with chicken in Dutch oven. Add sour cream, chicken broth, and Ricotta cheese. Cook for 12 minutes on medium heat, stirring occasionally.

Serve in bowls. (If the guests arrive late enough that some of the liquid boils off, don’t worry. Cheerfully, serve them Chicken Sour Cream Stew and Tabasco cocktails.)

TIDBITS

1) My father once came up with a similar dish. He asked my mother what to call the food. She said, “Bruno.” His dish has been “Chicken Bruno” ever since.

2) Saint Bruno was a statesman, chancellor, and brother to the first Holy Roman Emperor Otto I.

3) He is remembered for his eloquence and his refusal to become bishop.

4) However, we don’t know if Saint Bruno liked sour cream on his chicken or not.

6) So, liking sour cream on chicken won’t necessarily help you become a saint.

7) You must perform four miracles to become a saint.

8) It’s a miracle to me how chocolate doughnuts can jump into my shopping cart quite unaided.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Foods to Avoid

I like a lot of different foods. However, I can’t stand the following dishes.

Icky Eats

FOODS TO AVOID

Haggis

Lutefisk
Rocky Mountain oysters
Haggis
Liver and onion
Chef’s surprise – a favorite at my college cafeteria
Any meat mass or cooked veggie that has been in your fridge for more than four days.

What foods do you avoid?

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cuisine, observations, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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