Monthly Archives: January 2024

The Great Latch Hook Project

January 21, 2024

I have a latch hook kit. This is supposed to be therapy for my eyes which at times don’t work well together. Latch hooking is supposed to help with my manual dexterity.
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I started doing this at an arts-and-crafts session at a public library. It took me 30 minutes before I got thread in one of those little squares. A fellow crafter help me a lot in getting the hang of it.
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However, there was some sadness in Mudville. The kit comes with a chart that tells what color yarn and its number. But there was silence on what the colors look like. Do you know the difference between Blue Jewel and Periwinkle? I didn’t.
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I’ve just spent maybe three hours to sort out the colors.  Eventually, I discovered that Dark Green is 654 and Forest Green is 689. That left: Forest Green 689, Dark Green 654, Blue Jewel 818, and Periwinkle 831 to be pinned down.
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I looked up the company on the internet. However, it altered its name some after I got the kit about 25 years ago. They also apparently changed their codes over the years. I got some of the codes through exhaustive and exhausting research. I now know that forest green is darker than dark green,. Egad, I feel like watching a murder mystery tonight.
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I’m getting better. I can do 90 squares a hour. With a latch-hook mat comprising  8,000 squares, the whole project shall take about 90 hours. The world shall sigh in relief as this will keep off the streets where I would only foment revolution and no one wants that.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

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My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Angry Man Rants About Companies

I feel Angry Man’s pain.

Angry Man #28

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

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My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Angry Man Rants Again About Asking For Advice

It’s been that kind of day.

Angry Man #27

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

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My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Pizza Bread

Fusion Entree

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PIZZA BREAD

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INGREDIENTS­
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½ bell pepper
1 small onion
8 slices bread
1 teaspoon oregano or pizza seasoning
24 slices pepperoni
1 cup grated mozzarella cheese
½ cup pasta sauce (8 times at 1 tablespoon)
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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mandoline (optional)
parchment paper
9″ * 12″ baking tray
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Serves 4 or makes 8 pizza breads. Takes 20 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Seed bell pepper. Use mandoline on bell pepper to make ¼”-thick rings. Dice onion. Spread 1 tablespoon pasta sauce over each bread slice. Sprinkle oregano equally over bread slices. Place 1 bell-pepper ring on each bread slice. Place 3 pepperoni slices on each bread. Sprinkle onion equally over bread slices. Sprinkle mozzarella over  over onion toppings.
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Cover baking tray with parchment paper. Bake at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or until cheese melts and turns golden.
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TIDBITS
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1) I served “Pizza Bread” to the natives tonight. It was “great.”
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2) On July 11, 1939 President Roosevelt served hot dogs to King George VI of Great Britain.  One version of the menu read, “Hot Dogs (if weather permits).” This fairly formal picnic proved to be front page news. The New York Times ran the headline, “KING TRIES HOT DOG AND ASKS FOR MORE.”
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3) Sad to say, I expect no such headline for my Pizza Bread, although one native ate three pizza breads. King George ate only two hot dogs. Three is greater than two. I win.
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4) What must I do to get the same celebrity status that Roosevelt gained by his hot-dog meal? Simple, I hereby formally invite King Charles III for tacos at my humble manor. Any date he desires. There, that ought out to do it. I’ll keep you posted.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

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My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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What I Did Today

Ravioli punch hid for a long time

Busy, busy day. I’m exhaustedand hurting.

1) Woke up. Good start to the day.

2) Got up. Right away, Go me! The Energizer Bunny(tm), you bet.

3) Had a glazed doughnut for breakfast.

4) Showered again. There’s always time for cleanliness.

5) Dressed again and didn’t even go outside to the peoply world.

6)  Wrestled with finances again for a long time. The storm clouds gathered.

7) Did something. My mind’s mush from the day’s wrestling matches.

8) Started to pause and reflect. Realized I didn’t have time, so I stopped.

9) Looked for well over an hour looking for my ravioli punch. I had to take out all sorts of kitchen untensils out of the drawers and put them back. Hurt my pack from all this bending down and squatting and then getting up again.

10) Found my ravioli punch. It transpired that it was in the box with the pasta machine. I put the punch there because it was the most logical place for it to be. If there’s something like logic in the spirit world, tell it that I’m not happy with it.

11) Made ravioli. It’s a highly repetitive process that requires a fair amount of concentration. I also made ravioli sauce.

12) The ravioli turned out well, thank goodness.

13) Flour got all over me and the table.

14) Ate ravioli in minutes. Thank goodness, it was tasty.

15) Revised my ravioli recipe again. Although, I think it’s a keeper this time.

16) Briefly thought about estimating the total cost of ingredients and ravioli gizmos and the total time needed to get to the point where I am happy with my ravioli. However, my mind utterly recoiled at the thought. I’ll never again question the price of restaurant ravioli

17) Cleaned up a bit. Hooray, a native is cleaning up the rest of the mess.

18) I’m really in the mood for some murder mysteries.

Behave yourselves.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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What I Did Today

 

Metaphor Mel removes financial weeds

Busy, busy day. I’m exhausted.

1) Woke up.

2) Got up. Right away, Go me!

3) Had a glazed doughnut for breakfast.

4) Finances are like flower gardens. They can be beautiful and reassuring. Then if you neglect them, even take your eyes off them for a bit, evil hardy weeds overrun them. So today, I engaged in hours of weed pulling. If that isn’t a metaphor, I don’t know what is.

4) Brokered a cease fire between two peacefully coexisting neighboring nations. It was easier than you might think.

5) Paused and reflected.

6) Went to the bank to turn my CD into a new one paying 4.5%. If left to their own devices banks will roll over your CD into a new one that pays you $3 for every $10,000 you invest with them. How do ever stay in business

7) The woman at the bank got me the CD I wanted with NO hassle AT ALL. She ever told me how to do the next rollover on line.  She is a financial goddess!

8) Wondered if any mollusks have pages on Facebook.

9) Looked up recipes for bread pizzas. What a clever way to use up lots of idle bread slices.

10) Made my first and only proper meal of the day: ham and cheese sandwich.

11) Did Wordle in four tries.

12) Watched an episode about Saturn’s moons, part of a travelog on India, and episode about prehistoric Britain.

13) Worked on this blog.

14) Ready for more adventures. Latch hooking is on the horizon.

3b) Oops! I forgot to say that I got dressed. I most certainly did not go into the world undressed. Goodness!

Behave yourselves.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: what I did | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Masoor Dal (Red Lentils)

Indian Entree

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MASOOR DAL

(Red Lentils)

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INGREDIENTS
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1 cup split red lentils
2 green chiles
2 garlic cloves
1 small onion
2 tomatoes
1 dry red chile
2¾ cups water or vegetable broth
3 tablespoons ghee* or 1½ tablespoons vegetable oil
1 teaspoon cumin seeds
¾ teaspoon mustard seeds
2¼ teaspoons minced ginger
¼ teaspoon asafoetida*
¼ teaspoon garam masala
½ teaspoon Kashmiri* chili or cayenne powder
1 teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon turmeric
½ teaspoon fenugreek leaves
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1½ tablespoons fresh cilantro or ½ tablespoon dried cilantro
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* = Can be found online or ethnic supermarkets
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SPECIALTY UTENSIL
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instant pot
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Serves 4. Takes 35 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Rinse red lentils. Seed green chiles if you desire a milder taste. Dice garlic cloves, green chiles, onion, and tomatoes. Crumble red chile. Add red lentils and water to instant pot. Stir once to prevent sticking to the pot. Set instant pot to high and to cook for 5 minutes. Let pressure drop naturally for 10 minutes. Gradually open steam release. Carefully open lid. Mash red lentils to your liking.
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While red lentils cook, add ghee to pan. Heat on medium heat until ghee melts. Add cumin seeds, mustard seeds, and crumbled red chile. Sauté seeds until they crackle. Stir constantly. Add garlic, green chile, minced ginger, and onion. Sauté on medium heat for 3 minutes. Stir frequently, Add tomato, asafoetida, garam masala, Kashmiri chili, salt, and turmeric. Cook for 5 minutes or until tomato becomes mushy.
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Add red lentils and fenugreek leaves to pan. Simmer on low heat for 2 minutes. Stir occasionally. Add lemon juice. Stir until well blended. Garnish with fresh cilantro. Goes well with naan.
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TIDBITS
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1) Masoor Dal was born in India in the tiny village of Taaja Adarak. Not only was Masoor born in a specific place, he was born at specific time, 9:23 am, May 16th, 422 BC. Nobody would play with little Dal because he used to take asafoetida baths. Indeed, Masoor’s only companion was a time-traveling dog named Olafo. Olafo had materialized on Earth in 408 BC.
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2) “What a nice corgi,” thought the overly fragrant Masoor. “I do hope he won’t run away.”
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3) But Olafo stayed put. He’d suffered an olfactory injured in the Great Universal War between Olafo’s Orion Beltian and the sinful, hateful, evil Lutefisk Confederation of Pluto and couldn’t smell worth a darn.
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4) Masoor would often say, “I had friends.”  Olafo would reply, “I wish could smell dog butts.”
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5) “Why can’t you smell?” asked little Dal. “I damaged my nose in the war, yipped Olafo. A Lutefisker hurled a smell-stopper grenade (STG) at my squad. I sat on it. I saved my comrades, but at the cost of my nose. I’m hear on R and R.”
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6) “I notice you always carry a Lassie Laser with you?” said Masoor. “Why didn’t you fire it at him?” Olafo sighed. “The Lutefiskers had just developed an anti-electronics shield (AES). My laser couldn’t couldn’t penetrate it.” Masoor looked at his thumbs, for no apparent reason. “You need a catapult. They’re lethal and have no electronics. You’ll be invincible.”
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7) Olafo agreed. Soon the happy pair built their catapult. They loaded it with red lentils, chiles, garlic cloves, an onion, ghee, cumin seeds, mustard seeds, ginger, garam masala, Kashmiri chili, salt, turmeric, fenugreek leaves, tomatoes a huge lemon, and cilantro leaves for a flourish.
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8) Unfortunately, a mishap occurred on the first trial, hurling the enormous lemon at Olafo’s nose and knocking the No-Smell Particles (NSPs) loose that had lodged there. A canine sneeze soon dislodged them.
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9) Masoor’s asafoetida coated hand, patted Olafo’s head. “There, there.”
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10) “I can smell again,” yipped Olafo. “And you stink of asafoetida.”
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11) Little Lal’s face fell. “But that stuff on your hands would go great with the other ingredients in the catapult, of course.”
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12) “And if you put a huge rock, nothing else in the catapult, Olafo, you have a devastating weapon to use against the Lutefiskers.
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13) And so Olafo went back to his squad with his catapult. This weapon propelled the Orion Beltians to decisive victory. Masoor now put his asafoetida into his culnary masterpiece, Masoor Dal. People loved it and the now sweet-smelling chef got all the women. So, things ended well. Yay.

 Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Need Some Gas Money

The great duo of Jan and Dean  had a great hit with their superb, “Gas Money.” In this song, the only thing preventing the driver and his companion from going out and having fun is the lack of gas in the car. The driver needs gas money. An impressively long and wonderful songwas made from this motoring angst.

Here’s part of the song:

“I need some gas money.
Well, if you really wanna go
You’ll have to come up with some dough.
I need some gas money.”

 

Great theme sure, but they could have extended this song with the following, brilliant ideas.

I need some bass money: He needs equipment for bass fishing.
I need some dash money: He needs money for running shoes.
I need some gassed money: He needs money to buy sleeping pills. He’s so tired that he’s gassed.
I need some brass money: He needs money to buy brass faucets.
I need some cast money: He wants to hire actors for his play, “Taco Tuesday.”
I need some hash money: He wants hash for breakfast.
I need some mass money: He’s going to a Catholic church and needs money for the donation plate.
I need some grass money: He wants to buy sod for his back yard.
I need some ass money: He wants to go to a bordello.
I need some rash money: He needs ointment for his rash.
I need some mast money: He’s building a yacht.
I need some blast money: He needs fuel for his private rocket.
I need some trash money: He can’t pay his waste-disposal bill.
I need some lash money: His girlfriend wants to get false eyelashes.
I need some flash money: He wants to buy a raincoat.
I need some glass money: He wants to drink from glass cups. Plastic ones won’t do.
I need some jazz money: He wants to buy a Louis Armstrong CD.
I need some mash money: He wants to order mashed potatoes.
I need some past money: His bills are past due.
I need some vast money: He’s greedy
I need some crash money: He got his gas money and drove into a tree.

Let me know if you have some more ideas for lyrics.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

 

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Honey Lavender Goat’s Milk Soap

HONEY LAVENDER GOAT’S MILK SOAP

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INGREDIENTS
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1 tablespoon lavender buds
1 teaspoon gold mica powder
2 tablespoons isopropyl alcohol
2 pounds goat’s milk soap base
1 teaspoon lavender essential oil
2 tablespoons honey
isopropyl alcohol
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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soap molding
spray bottle
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Makes 10½ bars. 1″ wide. Takes 3½ hours.
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PREPARATION
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Add lavender buds to spice grinder. Grind until the bud bits are small as possible.. Add gold mica and 2 tablespoons isopropyl alcohol to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended.
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Cut goat’s milk base into 1″ cubes. Add goat’s milk base to large glass measuring cups. Melt base in 30 second intervals. Stir after every time. Add gold mica powder/isopropyl mix and lavender essential oil. Stir with knife until well blended. Let sit for 15 minutes. (This inhibits lavender bits and honey from settling to the bottom of the soap mold.) Add lavender bits and honey. Mix with knife until well blended.
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Spray silicon mold with isopropyl alcohol. Pour melted soap into soap mold. If desired, lightly spray bubbles with isopropyl alcohol to make them disappear. Let soap sit for 3 hours. Use soap slicer to cut soap into slices 1″ wide.
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TIDBITS
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1) Earth has gravity. The gravity of anything on Earth’s surface is defined to be one bar. The gravity of one soap bar is one bar. They’re the same! The same, I tell you! Let’s see if the reverse is true. Does one bar weigh one bar? It does! It does!
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­2) Oh my gosh, gravity comes from soap bars. Without soap’s gravitational field, nothing on Earth would stay on Earth. All of humanity and all our remote controls would eventually float off into space. Without our remote controls, how would we watch our favorite television programs?
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3) So, scatter as many soap bars as you can around your home and for pity’s sake, keep a firm grip on your Honey Lavender Goat’s Milk soap whenever you shower. Your future depends on it.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Misread Sign

While, in fast-food restaurant, I misread the following sign:

“Curly fries are friend magnets.”

I really thought for an instant that the sentence went as below.

“Curly fries are fried magnets.”

So that’s why I keep bumping into iron. On the plus side, I won’t need to take iron supplements. Oh, and people are strangely drawn to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: misread | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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