Monthly Archives: October 2023

The Art of Mild Insulting

Face it, the people out there are downright ornery. Just five seconds of talking is all it takes for your ever-pleasant “Hello” to “f”-you, “f”-word this, “your mama blanks blanks,” and “the horse you rode in on.”

Face it, you got nasty in a hurry.  But you feel a deep, primordial desire to insult them. They are unpleasant oafs after all. You want a list of mild-mannered insults at your command in case you need another such blighter.

I’m glad you asked.

PAUL’S LIST OF MILD INSULTS

You paper cut
You dentist
You tomato stain
You hemarrhoid
You lutefisk
You Brussels sprout
You’re past your best-by date
You rectal itch
You doctor’s waiting room
You 7-10 split
You income tax
You colon blockage
May your shoes pinch
You spam call
You customer service
You movie spoiler
You Facebook(tm) meal
You seven-minute red light
You mosquito
You garbage strike
You line cutter
Your the bo’s bo
You speed trap
You left over that got put into Tupperware(tm) but eventually was pushed to the back of the fridge and became moldy
or more simply
You mold
You hospital gown
You over spice
You stapler without staplers.
You empty ketchup bottle

There, you have it. You are now ready to insult gracefully. Go out and give the give those oafs what for, you magnificent sunbeam, you.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Learning to speak, Mild mannered man, wise words | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Dinner Rolls

American Appetizer

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DINNER ROLLS

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INGREDIENTS
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2¼ teaspoons dry active yeast
⅓ cup lukewarm water
¼ teaspoon sugar (7 teaspoons more later)
2½ tablespoons melted butter (2 tablespoons more later)
½ cup milk, lukewarm
½ teaspoon salt
7 teaspoons sugar
2¼ cups flour (2 more tablespoons later)
1½ tablespoons flour
no-stick spray
2 tablespoons melted butter
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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electric beater
8″ round casserole dish
bench scraper/chopper or long non-serrated knife
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Makes 15 rolls. Takes 2 hours 35 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Add yeast and lukewarm water to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Sprinkle ¼ teaspoon sugar on top. Let sit for 10 minutes or until bubbles. Add 2½ tablespoons melted butter, milk, salt, and 7 teaspoons sugar to large mixing bowl. Mix with spatula until salt and sugar dissolve. Let cool to room temperature.
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Add yeast mixture to large mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Gradually add 2¼ cups flour while mixing with electric beater set on medium. Mix until a slightly sticky dough ball forms. Dust flat surface with 1½ tablespoons flour. Remove dough ball to flat surface. Knead for 5 minutes until dough is smooth and elastic. Spray large mixing bowl with no-stick spray. Add dough ball to large mixing bowl. Rotate dough until covered with spray. Cover bowl with towel. Let sit for 30 minutes or until doubled in size.
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Push down on dough. Roll dough into a log 15″ long and 1″ wide. Use bench scraper to cut log into 15 pieces. Shape 15 pieces into smooth balls. Spray casserole dish with no-stick spray. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Add smooth dough balls to casserole dish. Cover with towel and let sit for 1 hour or until fluffy. Bake at 375 degrees for 15 minutes or until tops of rolls turn golden brown. Brush tops of rolls with 2 tablespoons melted butter.
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TIDBITS
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1) Doing dishes makes the kitchen clean, which makes you happy.
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2) But, pondering the infinite brings enlightenment.
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3) What will you chose?
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4) May I suggest alternating 5-minute bursts of each activity?
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5) While achieving enlightenment, I had the following stream of consciousness.
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6) Can you have a stream of consciousness while asleep or even unconscious?
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7) Unconscious is a hard word to spell.
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8) You can see that I spelled it right.
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9) You’ll have to take my word for it that I spelled it right on the very first try. Go me.
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10) Somehow this segues into how we developed before birth.
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11) Prehistoric peoples believed we started out as very tiny version of the baby that would eventually pop out of mama.
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12) How do we know this? Go to the Courgette Library in Bordeaux, France. Find the research department and ask to see the ground breaking Greatest Texts of Prehistory by Farine du Ble.
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13) Nowadays, culinary biologists say that we began as a single, undifferentiated cell.
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14) This cell doubled into two slightly unlike* cells.
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15) * = I used my thesaurus to come up with a different word for different.
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16) This doubling process kept going until we had nearly 15 slightly dissimilar cells like in the above photo.
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17) Eventually this doubling process stops. We don’t increase twofold the day before birth.
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18) But what if this repetitive course continues after birth?
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19) Eventually, we’d get as big as Uranus.
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20) We’d also possess a staggering number of specialized cells.
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21) We’d most likely quite sport an impressive number of super-hero skills.
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22) Which we’d need if we were truly as enormous as Uranus.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Chatting With Chefs, cuisine, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Do Penguins Dream in Color?

A penguin’s dream

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Archer Woman on Leaving Your Lover

For people who need an extra choice in this matter, Archer Woman is here to help.

Archer Woman #10

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: Archer Woman | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Misheard Lyrics of Bruce Springsteen

The great Bruce Springsteen had a hit with the superb song “Walk of Life.”

Only I didn’t hear it that way. For the longest time I thought he sang, “Do the walk on by.”

That really changes the meaning on the song from muddling through your existence, doing the walk of life, to throwing up your hands at what is going on around you to “Do the walk on by.” Just walk on by your problems, just walk away from them and your responsibilities. Given this interpretation, I rather wondered why so many people loved this song. But I heard wrong. I admit it. I’m sorry Boss.

It just goes to show you how exciting, how outside the box, life can be, when you mishear things.

Anywhere, here are the real lyrics to “Walk of Life.”

“And after all the violence and double-talk
There’s just a song in all the trouble and the strife
You do the walk, yeah, you do the walk of life
Hmm, you do the walk of life.”

 

Misheard lyrics #13

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: misheard | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Angie the Angry Avocado on Restaurant Conversations

Angie the Angry Avocado #4

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Andy the Angry Avocado | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Funny Thought

I’m proud to admit I’m a bit weird. The world needs more weirdness. Indeed, I saw the picture below and immediately thought the penguins were looking for a lost set of car keys.  And it struck me funny.

Looking for lost car keys

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: about me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Little Rock and Roll Sampler

 

Ever in the mood for some good ol’ rock and roll with the word “little” in the song’s title. Well, wait no longer. Buy Shoestring Records compilation CD, A Little Rock and Rock Sampler. See all the great songs* you’ll get and have a little fun.

1. “A Little Less Conversation” by Elvis Presley
2. “A Little More Jesus” by Erica Campbell
3. “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” by Queen
4. “Give a Little Love” by The Judds
5. “Just a Little Bit” by Steve Miller
6. “Little Billy” by The Who
7. “Little Birdie” by The Stanley Brothers
8. “Little Bitty Pretty One” by The Jackson 5
9. “Little By Little” by Dusty Springfield
10. “Little By Little” by The Rolling Stones
11. “Little By Little” by Oasis
12. “Little Dark Age” by MGMT
13. “Little Deuce Coupe” by The Beach Boys
14. “Little Devil” by Neil Sedaka
15. “Little Hitler” by Nick Lowe
16. “Little Lies” by Fleetwood Mac
17. “Little Liza Jane” by Nina Simone
18. “Little Old Lady from Pasadena” by Jan and Dean
19. “Little Sister” by Elvis Presley
20. “Little Things” by ABBA
21. “Little Wing” by Jimi Hendrix
22. “Three Little Indians” by RUN D.M.C.
23. “With a Little Bit of Luck” by Julie Andrews

And, of course, one top hit each from Little Eva, Little Feat, and Little Richard

* = There might be a few mistakes, but they’ll be little ones.

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: you need to get | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bring Back the Milkman

Often enough, I only need a half gallon of milk, four sticks of butter, or a pound of cheese. Sure I could drive to the store, but it hardly seems worthwhile for just a half gallon of milk when the whole process of driving to the supermarket, parking, finding the milk, checking out, leaving the parking lot, and driving home.

If only there were a simple, convenient way to buy a small amount of dairy. Oh wait, there was. We called him the milkman. We place an order on our door step and he’d bring it from the stores of his truck.

Easy peasy.

And quite often the milkman brought other products as well. Here’s what I remember about the milkmen from the various towns of my youth.

Arcadia, California: The milk truck brought milk and I believe butter.

Earlwood, Australia: The milk truck brought milk and I believe butter and eggs.

Voorburg, Netherlands: The milk truck carried: milk, eggs, cheese, cans of soups, soda, and beer! I believe the milkman also delivered juice and jams.

I want a milkman who will bring all the items his counterpart in the Netherlands did. I want it! I want it!

Going to the store takes too long, cars are driven by nuts, and the stores are far too peoply.

I am willing to pay more for this service than from stores. I worked and saved all my life so I can now afford this service to my door.

Please make this happen. Thank you.

And please also let me know what your milkman delivered? Thanks again.

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: about me, cuisine, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Paul’s Awesome English Dictionary – Today’s Word: Amerisplaining

Awesome entry #26

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Paul's Awesome Dictionay | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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