Monthly Archives: August 2023

We might think ourselves bad. We might think ourselves good. We’d very much like to be good. We aspire to be magnificent sunbeams.

But are we? Thanks to the amazingly accurate test below we can find out.

An amazing sunbeam will have very few negative traits.

1) Have committed a murder? Give yourself 1 point for each one, Be honest, you get a point for each murder, whether convicted or not. If you have more than ten murders, you might as well stop taking this test right now.

2) Have you committed grevious bodily harm? Give yourself a point for each indictment.

3) Do you habitually block supermarket aisles? One point, if yes.

4) Do you lie on your tax returns? One point, if yes. Our country has a lot of debt. If the treasury cannot pay the government’s debts, it will default on its loans. The financial system will collapse. Revolution will ensue and blood will run in the streets. And it will all be your fault.

5) Are you a spammer? One point, if yes.

6) Are you never bothered to put on the turn indicator before turning? One point if yes.

7) Do you back out of a parking spot without looking? One point if yes.

8) Do you leave the refrigerator open? One point if yes.

9) Do you refuse to have your check filled out as much as you can before getting to the cashier at a supermarket? One point, if yes.

10) Do you litter? One point if yes, Two points if habitually,

11) Do you drive more than ten miles under or ten miles over the speed limit? One point if yes.

12) Are you a telemarketer? One point if yes.

13) Are you a lutefisk vendor? Two points if yes. This is really bad.

14) Do you shoplift? One points if yes.

15) Have you been an owner or a general manager for a major league team that has played worse than .500 ball for each of the last six years? One point if yes.

16) Do  you continually talk with a loud voice in a movie theater? One point if yes.

17) Do you order your steaks well done? One point if yes.

18) Did you fail to say “thank you” on July 13? One point if yes.

19) Did you fail to pay your library fines? One point if yes.

20) Have you fomented revolution? One point for each time.

21) Do you misplace the TV remote and make someone else look for it? One point, if yes.

22) Do you come up to people’s front door to sell something? One point, if yes.

23) Are you a habitual rioter? One point if yes.

24) Do  you leave your dirty dishes at the table? One point if yes.

YOUR RESULTS

16 or more:  Not only are not a magnificent sunbeam, you’re also a throbbing dick. Check into your nearest jail, right away.

13 to 16: Not a throbbing dick, but nowhere near a magnificent sunbeam or even a plain sunbeam.

8 to 12: You could be a sunbeam, if your point total on the positive traits part of this test is good enough.

4 to 7: You could be a magnificent sunbeam, if your point total on the positive traits part of this test is really good.

1 to 3: You are already a sunbeam and most likely a magnificent sunbeam depending how perform on part two of the test.

0: Congratulations! You are already a magnicent sunbeam. You might even be a saint depending on your results from the part.

Well, now you know what you are. Reflect and learn.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.