Monthly Archives: May 2015

“Zombie-On-The-Go” Products – ZombieWipe

Posted on May 11, 2015 by pauldelancey

ZombieWipe

Zombies, has this ever happened to you? You’re on the way home to your lovely wife’s birthday party–You were smart enough to know that death and zombification wouldn’t fly as an excuse to miss it–and oh no, you have brain bits all over your hands. You can’t show up at her party like that. Her relatives never really liked you when you were alive. They sure as shooting, aren’t going to like you with messy mitts.

“I told you,  Martha, he was a slob,” your mother-in-law would say.

“I told you he never amount to much,”  says your father-in-law.  “Not even a bum. Just a no good zombie.” Then he spits on you.  And speaking of shooting, messy hands are all the excuse those relatives will need to get out the ol’ shotgun.

People can be so unfeeling to the undead. You want to be spiffy. But how is that possible when your neighborhood HOA kicks you out of your home? When you can’t even get a room and a shower at the  YMCA? The song does say, “Young man” not, “Undead man.” When gas stations won’t let you use their restrooms to spruce up? Just one time, a zombie in Oklahoma left a hand in the men’s room. The news went viral and now no gas station in America will let you wash up.

But at heart–Does it still beat when you’re undead? I don’t know–you still take pride in your appearance. What is the anal-retentive  zombie to do?

I’m glad you asked. Try Zombie Wipe-tm by Zombie-On-The-Go, LLC. Zombie Wipe gives your hands that minty fresh scent. And there’s more, Zombie Wipe is designed for easy opening, so losing a finger getting at those wipes-for-humans will be a thing of the past.

Now go to your wife’s birthday gala, you party animal, you.

– Paul De Lancey, health reporter

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Miss Chick Lit Pageant & Gift Card Giveaway

Posted on May 11, 2015 by pauldelancey

Miss Chick Lit Pageant & Gift Card Giveaway.

Categories: Uncategorized | 1 Comment

How The British National Election Will Give Me Super Powers

Posted on May 9, 2015 by pauldelancey

 

According to USA Today on May 7, 2015, Britain’s Green Party held one seat in Parliament. There were much larger parties holding many more seats vying for control of the country’s destiny. However, they are of no interest to us and we shall ignore them.

The main thing to notice is that Other Parties held 27 seats.  According to USA Today, other parties “Includes smaller parties from Northern Ireland, Wales, and Independents.” Okay fine, but what is smaller than one? Zero! (Okay, 1/2 is smaller than one. But you can’t have half a politician sitting* in Parliament or in the United States Congress for that matter. The incomplete he or she would die. It would be messy. Moreover, even though partial politicians are not specifically excluded from winning office in any country on this planet, there does seem to be a rather strong unwritten rule about it.)

Okay, now it gets exciting. USA Today claimed that the Other Parties, as of May 7, held a total of 27 seats in Parliament. How on Earth is that possible if all the Other Parties have zero members sitting* in Parliament? Is the sum of zeroes greater than 27? YES, dear reader  0 + 0 + 0 = 0 > 27 or alternatively 0>27. Half of 0 is o. Half of 27 is 13.5.  So 0>13.5. In fact, zero is greater than any positive number. Woo hoo, then line of thinking is quite exhilirating, liberating even.

0 > 1, 0>2 . . .

This is where I acquire super powers.  SupermanTM flies at let’s say, 100 miles per hour. I admit it; I fly at zero miles per hour. But we’ve just proved that 0>100. I CAN FLY FASTER than Superman. Superman can lift 2 tons of steel. I can easily lift o tons of steel. 0>2. I can hoist more than Superman. I AM STRONGER THAN SUPERMAN. I am mightier than Superman.

Do not worry. I shall use my superpowers for good, unless of course, you block the aisles at the supermarket with your shopping cart. Then you will be toast.

* = Members of Parliament are allowed to stand and move around. They do not have to sit all the time. Sitting in Parliament is just a phrase that has gotten a lot of currency.)

– Paul De Lancey, Superhero

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, 

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

 

 

 

Categories: humor, politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

“Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection of Library Humor” by Roz Warren – Book Review

Posted on May 5, 2015 by pauldelancey

rozfrontcoverfinal

Roz Warren’s Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection of Literary Humor is really funny. Really, really funny. I got it today as a birthday present and read it in one sitting, laughing out loud the whole time. If I were the type to steal a book from a library, this would be the one. But that would be wrong. Indeed, Ms. Warren may use Paul’s Flying Squirrel Squadron to track down book thieves, page rippers, cell-phone shouters, and fine dodgers anytime she wants.

Any librarian, any son or daughter of a librarian, any one who’s dated a librarian will appreciate the joys and struggles of your library’s workers and heroes. And gosh, who knew they could be so funny? While in high school, St. Mary’s, a school for librarians, sent me a brochure encouraging me to go there. I chose to go to another school and major in economics. After reading the wonderful Our Bodies, Our Shelves, I wonder if I made the right choice.

Well written, Roz.

See her book on Amazon.

– Paul R. De Lancey, reviewer

 

Categories: book reviews and excerpts | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pancho (Uruguayan Hot Dog)

Posted on May 3, 2015 by pauldelancey

Uruguayan Entree

PANCHO
(hot dog)

INGREDIENTSHotDogUruguay-

1 small onion
1½ tablespoons vegetable oil (additional 2 tablespoons later)
2½ tablespoons ketchup
2½ tablespoons mayonnaise
2 corn cobs
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
4 quarter pound hot dogs
4 pan de Vienna or hot dog buns (should be smaller than the hot dog)
⅓ cup mozzarella
1½ tablespoons yellow mustard

PREPARATION

Dice onion. Add onion and 1½ tablespoons oil to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat or until onion softens. Removed sautéed onion and set aside. Add ketchup and mayonnaise to small bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. (This ketchup/mayonnaise mix is called “salsa golf.”)

Use brush to coat corn cobs with 2 tablespoons vegetable oil. Grill corn cobs on barbecue grill on high or 475 degrees for about 10 minutes or until corn starts to char. Turn cobs occasionally. Remove corn cobs and place on plate. Put hot dogs in pot and add water until it covers the hot dogs. Boil water on high heat for 4 minutes. While hot dogs boil, slice kernels from corn cobs. Assemble panchos by putting hot dogs in buns, followed by onion, mozzarella, corn kernels, mustard, and salsa golf.

TIDBITS

1) Pancho is a name. It is also a Uruguayan hot dog. Poncho is something you wear to keep rain off of you if your outside for a long time.

4) Don’t get the two words mixed up. You’ll get weird looks from the staff from even the seediest of restaurants if you order a poncho. Oh sure, they’ll try their best, sautéing the raincoat, but rubber clothin is never tasty. You won’t want to eat it.

5) Nor should you try to wear a pancho while bicycling in the rain. The Uruguayan hot dog simply isn’t big enough to protect you from the downpour. Even wearing dozens of panchos won’t work. The buns will disintegrate from the rain, letting the ketchup, mayonnaise, and mustard stream down all over you. Besides, dogs from miles around will pick up the scent of the hot dogs and chase you until you crash. Vocabulary is important.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Gabonese Fried Bananas

Posted on May 2, 2015 by pauldelancey

Gabonese Dessert

FRIED BANANAS

INGREDIENTSFriedBananas-

8 ripe bananas
1 egg
2 tablespoons orange juice
¾ cup bread crumbs
½ cup vegetable oil
½ cup brown sugar
1 cup sour cream

SPECIAL UTENSIL

cookie sheet
no-stick spray

Makes 8 plates. Takes 35 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Peel bananas and cut them in half along their length. Add egg and orange to mixing bowl. Blend with whisk. Coat banana halves in egg/orange juice mix. Roll coated banana halves in bread crumbs until they are completely covered.

Add vegetable oil and crumb-covered 5 or 6 banana halves to pan. Sauté on medium heat for 5 minutes or until they turn golden brown. Turn twice to ensure even browning. Spray cookie sheet with no-stick spray. Place sautéed banana halves on cookie sheet. Repeat for two more batches. Bake banana halves at 350 degrees for 5 minutes.

Put 2 baked banana halves on each plate. Top each banana half with 1 tablespoon sour cream and ½ tablespoon brown sugar.

TIDBITS

1) According to essentials facts about Gabon, the lowest points in the country are zero meters above sea level. Many people call these low points, beaches.

2) Eighty percent of all gorillas in Africa reside in Gabon, which is an anagram for No Bag,

3) Most caves in Gabon are unexplored, quite possibly because angry gorillas might be hiding in them. Why are the beasts so angry? Because, again according to essential Gabonese facts, the country is always hot and humid.

5) Heat suffering gorillas should take up zero-altitude surfing. Where would an 800-pound gorilla surf? Anywhere it wants. But then we could explore more caves. So, it’s all good.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

“A Canine’s Guide to the Good Life” by Donna Cavanagh – Book Review

Posted on May 1, 2015 by pauldelancey

Canine'sGuide

Dogs steal our hearts. Dogs take control of our lives. In A Canine’s Guide to the Good Life, Donna Cavanagh, The Empress of Comedy, tells us how. Well actually, she got her dogs to relate their plans for world domination to her, but even understanding Dog is an amazing achievement.

And if you’re a dog, Donna and her dogs show you how to get a good owner. (Always let the human think she’s the owner.)

Then learn: how to order at a fast-food drive through, proper etiquette for vomiting, how to wear a seat belt, ways to look cool in a bandana, proper behavior in bed, techniques for spitting on windows, the best ways to greet people, and how to be polite. This useful book even doubles as a primer for raising teenagers.

Donna Cavanagh writes humor with a deft, light touch. I enjoyed A Canine’s Guide to the Good Life very much and recommend it highly.

See her book on Amazon.

– Paul De Lancey, reviewer

Categories: book reviews and excerpts, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.