Posts Tagged With: thriller

Heading to Walmart

Going to Walmart. Am I overdressed?

Due to horrible and concerted cirumstances beyond my control I shall soon be shopping at Walmart.

I know.

Scary.

I have only once made it through Walmart without muttering, “I hate Walmart.”

Is it because people constantly block aisles with their cart? Is it because the shoppers don’t watch where they’re going? Is it because the parking lot is packed to the gills and the drivers seem to think traffic laws don’t apply  there? Yes, yes, and yes. And yet Walmartians seem to thrive. More power to them.

Anyway, I’m going in. Pray for me.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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This Day In History

On this day in 1529, a one-mile thick ice-cap covered Greenland.

Brr

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: This day in history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

All Day Consciousness

At first, I thought the following sign said “All-day consciousness.” Some days, I’d like that. Other times, not so much. The picture below is at odds with my rapid, out of the corner of my eye, scan. It kinda changes the message.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: motivational slogan, wise words, you need to see | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Again Simplify Federal Taxes

I spend bits of time all year long assembling documents for my taxes. I spent more time this month. I labored all freakin’ day collating information that gladdens the  IRS’ heart.

What really gets my goat is that frigging complicated tax form. With all the schedules that go along with the main page, a taxpayer could easily fill out over 30 pages. You’ll need to hire a tax preparer. That’ll run you hundreds of dollars. And that’s after spending three days assembling all the information. What makes it even more horrible is that the IRS scans all the returns looking for mistakes.

Looking for mistakes. Let that sink in. That means they already have the numbers you need to type in on the forms. And they will tell you when they think–no, when they now–you are wrong. What can be done to fix all this madness and frustration?

I’m glad you asked. Let the IRS do your taxes for you, They know what they want on your forms, schedules, and attachments anyway. I hereby propose a new and quite simple form to replace all the tree-devouring pages you used to submit.

Much of this rant comes from a blog written three years ago. But, as you can see the IRS has neglected to enact my clever, nifty idea. So, it is with a sense of eternal optimist that I suggest brilliantly simple tax form.

It’s called the 1040-P. (P stands for Paul, me. I created this glorious, time saving, liberating page. I deserve some recognition.)

Anyway, I give you the 1040-P

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: finance | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

National Egg Painting Days

Who doesn’t love eggs? No one! Who loves paintings? Most of Us. So, it stands to reason that paintings  of eggs are the bees’ knees. Of course, they are. With that in mind the American Egg Producers (AEP) and the National Association of Museums (NAM) are proud to host Great Egg Paintings exhibits across the country from May 1st to October 22nd. Be sure to go; you’ll be impressed and uplifted.

Lebrun’s still-life painting, “Les Oeufs Jolie”

 

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: art | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Super Powers #1, Washing Water

How does Paul get his water so clean?

Most people, if they wish to have truly clean water,  go to the supermarket to buy distilled water, purified water, or even spring water. But I don’t have to do anything like that. I clean my water at home. I simply put detergent in the clothes washer and press start. Whizzo, boffo, the washer washes the water filling the washer. Nothing wishy washy about this water washing. It gets the job done. Presto change, I have clean water.

Just remember two things. First, don’t put any clothes in the washer before pressing the start button. You’ll end up washing your clothes, not the water. Second, be sure to scoop out your water before the washer drains the water.

And you too can develop this super power with a little practice.

You super man, or woman, you.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: about me, super powers | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Collard Greens

American Appetizer

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SLOW COOKER COLLARD GREENS

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INGREDIENTS
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2 pounds collard greens
1 onion
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
1 tablespoon brown sugar
3 garlic cloves
2 ham hocks
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 teaspoon salt
5 cups water
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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2 3-quart slow cookers or 1 6-quart slow cooker
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Serves 6. Takes 6 hours 40 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Cut collard greens into 1″ squares. Dice onion. Add all ingredients to slow cookers. Arrange ingredients so that ham hocks are in the middle. Slow cook on high for 6 hours. Remove ham hock. Remove meat from ham hocks and add to pot. (Discard ham hock.) Stir or until well blended.  Goes well with fried chicken, pork chops, pulled-pork sandwiches, macaroni and cheese and corn bread.
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TIDBITS
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1) This recipe says to collard greens into 1″ squares.
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2) This can be difficult to do as collard-green leaves are not squares.
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3) And if you strive for perfection ,such cutting becomes even harder. You’d have to get out your ruler. Moreover, making completely accurate 90 degrees angle for each square would drive any chef to drink. If you’re a teetotaler, may suggest near beer, or root beer, as your choice?
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4) Now we get to the collard greens’ overwhelming laziness and lack of ambition.
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5) Sure, you could watch television with your bowl of collard greens.
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6) But they will never help you with your crossword puzzles. The only way you could play catch with a bunch of collard greens is to dig a hole, and put the collard greens in the hole. Then toss the baseball into the hole. But even then the collard greens will not toss the ball back to you. This game of catch must be quite short. They will, however, be good listeners while they remain ripe.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ups and Downs

I’m rhe Emperor

The day started off well. I played free-bingo at a senior’s center. I got my first bingo and won a big, glass beer mug. The lunch afterward was good, surprisingly good for institutional food. Then things went downhill. I’m tired and my back hurts. So this is all the news I’m giving today.

Oh, I almost forgot. I repaid the Martian invasion with one of my own. I’m now Emperor of Mars. Cool.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: about me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Busy Day

I fought off their invasion

Made a small error in my spreadsheets. It led to Martian invasion in my back yard. Sorry about that, Chief. However, it all came came out okay in the end as I ran around making scary faces at them until they all teleported back to Mars.

Then my wife and I went to the border to a Global entry building to move one step closer to getting our Global Entry passes. Driving took 2 hours.

I then spent hours correcting the ripple effects of the morning’s small error. I had to do this or the Martians might have been  tempted to invade Earth. I’m guessing a similar sort of error led to the Martian invasion of Grovers Mill in 1938. The exact reason is still classified.

Well, time to lie down and take some weight off my aching back.

Good night, one and all.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Paul’s Awesome English Dictionary – Today’s Word – Mibiro

How many times has this happened to you? You spent your whole life working 80 houea a week and spending only enough to eat and to have shelter. Then on impulse you bought a Vermeer at Sotheby’s auction. You spent every last dollar you had. How will you? Where will you live? In retrospect, buying a painting by that Dutch master was rash. You’d give anything to undo that last bid. You are suffering from buyer’s remorse.

But not all purchases bring about such regret. Perhaps you bought a box of doughnuts when you’re trying to eat healthier. You rue this decision, but only a bit. I mean, it’s only a small outlay and doughnuts are tasty. You are suffering from a mild form of buyer’s remorse.

We need a  word for this emotion.

This word comes from the portmanteau of: mild, buyer’s, and remorse.  Ta da!

TODAY’S AWESOME WORD

Mibiro

Awesome entry #56

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: Paul's Awesome Dictionay | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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