Dear Customer Service,
If you repeat, “Please Hold. Your call is very important to us,” every minute for an hour, I will not believe you.
Sincerely,
Paul R. De Lancey
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS – STEW
1½ pounds boneless chicken or lamb
½ teaspoon cinnamon
⅛ teaspoon clove powder
½ teaspoon coriander
½ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt (⅛ teaspoon more later)
1 medium onion
2 cups chicken or lamb stock stock*
1½ tablespoons tomato paste
1 large carrot
1 zucchini
2 tablespoons olive oil (9 total teaspoons later)
2 tablespoons olive oil (7 total teaspoons later)
INGREDIENTS – COUSCOUS
1 cup couscous**
⅛ teaspoon salt
7 total teaspoons olive oil (3 times with 2 teaspoons and 1 time with 1 tablespoon)
about 1 cup water
1 cup cooked chickpeas (also called garbanzo beans)
* = This is an approximation. There should be 1″-to-2″ of liquid of space from the top of the liquid in the base pot to its lid. The couscous will get mushy if they come in contact with the water below.
** = This is couscous, the grain. Confusingly enough, the whole entree is also called couscous.
SPECIAL UTENSILS
double boiler (Similar to the more authentic couscousiere, but much easier to find.)
sonic obliterator
Serves 6. Takes 2 hours 15 minutes.
PREPARATION – STEW
Cut meat into 1″ cubes. Add meat, cinnamon, clove powder, coriander, pepper, and ½ teaspoon salt to large mixing bowl. Mix with hands until lamb cubes are well coated. Dice onion. Trim and cut carrot into and zucchini into 4 pieces each. Add meat cubes and 2 tablespoons olive oil to base pot, bottom part of double boiler. Sauté at medium-high heat for 10 minutes or until meat cubes are browned on all sides. Turn enough to ensure even browning. Remove meat cubes and set aside. Leave oil in base pot.
Add 2 tablespoons olive oil and onion to base pot. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Return set-aside meat to base pot. Add chicken stock and tomato paste to base pot. (Again there should be 1″-to-2″ of space from the top of the liquid in the base pot to the bottom of the steamer basket.) Stir until well blended. Bring to boil at high heat.. Stir occasionally. Cover and reduce heat to low. Simmer for 20 minutes. Add carrot and zucchini. Cover and simmer for 20 minutes. Stir occasionally to prevent burning.
PREPARATION – COUSCOUS (the grain)
While stew simmers, add couscous and ⅛ teaspoon salt to medium mixing bowl. Mix by hand. Add 2 teaspoons olive oil. Mix by hand until couscous are well coated. Add water to bowl, about 1 cup, until couscous are just covered. Gently fluff couscous and let sit for 10 minutes.
Coat steamer basket, the top part of the double boiler, with 1 teaspoon olive oil. Put steamer basket on base pot. (It should fit snugly.) When steam comes into basket, add couscous. Cover and let entire double boiler steam for 10 minutes. (This is the 1st time the couscous will be steamed.)
Remove steamer basket. Let stew simmer uncovered while you perform the following steps. Remove couscous. Add couscous and 2 teaspoons olive to medium mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well coated. Add ½ cup water. Mix with fork until well blended.
Add couscous to steamer basket. Gently fluff couscous. Put steamer basket back on base pot. Do not cover. Continue to simmer at low heat for 10 minutes. Remove steamer basket. Add chickpeas. Stir once. (This is the 2nd time the couscous will be steamed.)
Remove steamer basket. Let stew simmer uncovered while you perform the following steps. Remove couscous. Add couscous and 2 teaspoons olive to medium mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well coated. Add ½ cup water. Mix with fork until well blended.
Add couscous to steamer basket. Gently fluff couscous. Put steamer basket back on base pot. Do not cover. Continue to simmer at low heat for 10 minutes. Remove steamer basket. Add chickpeas. Stir once. (This is the 3rd time the couscous will be steamed.)
Add couscous to large serving bowl. Fluff the couscous with a fork. Add meat cubes to center of couscous. Use slotted spoon to ladle chickpeas and veggies over meat and couscous. Serve to appreciative, adoring guests. If any person at the dining table gives you any guff at all, zap him with your sonic obliterator on him. You don’t need that sort of negativity in your kitchen. And you won’t be convicted, either. (See Courgette v Rhode Island, 1973)
TIDBITS
1) You really need a sonic obliterator in your kitchen. Sure, you could off a sassy guest with a kitchen mallet. But there would be a mess everywhere. You certainly don’t need a disorderly kitchen when you’re upset. With a sonic obliterator, the unappreciative oaf disappears completely, leaving your kitchen nice and tidy. And isn’t what all chefs want at the end of the day?
2) I also recommend strongly, Culinary Law and Precedents, 1973. It really is a must-have resource for the high-strung chef.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
5 garlic cloves
6 piri piri chiles of 6 Thai chiles or 2 teaspoons cayenne pepper)
1 teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons lemon juice
1 bay leaf
10 tablespoons peanut oil
2¼ pounds shrimp (16-to-20 per pound, shelled and deveined)
1 lemon (optional)
SPECIAL UTENSILS
blender
outdoor grill
6 skewers
Serves 6. Takes 10 minutes, then 6 hours marinating, and 10 minutes more.
PREPARATION
Mince garlic cloves and chiles. Add all ingredients except shrimp to large mixing bowl. Stir with whisk or fork until well blended. Add shrimp. Mix with fork until shrimp is well coated. Cover and let marinate in fridge for 6 hours. Keep marinade.
10 minutes before marinating is done, heat outdoor grill to medium heat. Thread 6 shrimps onto each skewer. Grill shrimp for 2 minutes or until it turns pink. Flip skewers over and grill the other side for 2 minutes or until it to is pink. Cut lemon into 6 slices. Serve with lemon slices.
TIDBITS
1) Everyone dueled everyone else in Early Renaissance Italy. These scheduled acts of violence, of course, don’t include impromptu acts of deadly sword fighting that lurked outside your door, in the town plaza, and all points in between.
2) Seafood restaurants suffered the most. They were the farthest businesses from people’s homes. No diner ever got there and back alive. Then in 1493, Giuseppe Carpaccio of Venice, came up with the idea of putting the shrimp he sold on his diner’s swords. His customers couldn’t finish his large portions and staggered home, their sabers still covered in shrimp. You, of course, can’t stab anyone with shrimp. You don’t even feel like killing anyone when your tummy’s filled with yummy shrimp. A golden age of peace descended upon Italy, or until the French invaded a year later. Oh well.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
½ pound French fries
1 aji amarillo chile or jalapeno
½ red onion
1 large tomato
¼ cup fresh cilantro
1 pound sirloin or ribeye
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
¼ cup vegetable oil
1 tablespoon soy sauce
3 tablespoons vinegar
SPECIAL UTENSILS
mandoline
wok or large pan.
Serves 4. Takes 45 minutes.
PREPARATION
Cook French fries according to instructions on package. While French fries cook, use mandoline or knife to cut aji amarillo into ¼” rings and red onion and and tomato into ½” slices. Dice cilantro. Slice sirloin into ¼”-thick strips. Rub pepper and salt onto sirloin strips.
Add oil to wok. Heat oil using high heat until a tiny bit of onion in the oil starts to dance. Add sirloin strips. (Don’t let the strips touch each other. You might have to cook in batches.) Sauté each batch at high heat for 2 minutes or until meat browns. Stir occasionally. Add browned batches of sirloin strips, aji amarillo, red onion, and tomato. Reduce heat to medium and sauté for 3 minutes or until tomato starts to soften. Stir frequently. Add soy sauce, vinegar, and French fries. Sauté for 3 minutes or until sirloin is done to your liking. Garnish with cilantro.
TIDBITS
1) This recipe is from Peru. Peru is a country on the planet Earth. The outer part of Earth is its crust. The crust covers oceans of hot magma. Volcanoes occasionally spew out magma. The magma that flows along the ground, lava. incinerates all its path. The magma that flies into the air blocks the Sun and kills crops. When that happens, we get a winter that lasts for years. Mass extinctions occur. Peru is part of the Earth’s crust. Thus, when we wish for Peru to disappear because our luggage has disappeared when we flew out of the country, we are indirectly wishing for a large section of our planet’s crust to disappear. Then all of the horrible things in the above tidbit would happen. We’d all die! That’s bad. Be careful what you wish for!
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
4 red chiles
1 inch galangal or ginger root
5 garlic cloves
¾ teaspoon peppercorns
6 shallots
1 inch turmeric root
1 stalk lemongrass
2 pounds beef tenderloin or top round
2 tablespoons oil
1 inch cinnamon stick
½ tablespoon salt
3 kaffir lime leaves or ½ teaspoon lime zest
1 salam leaf or bay leaf
3 13-ounce cans coconut milk
SPECIAL UTENSIL
spice grinder
Serves 4. Takes 2 hours 45 minutes.
PREPARATION
Seed red chiles. Add red chile, galangal, garlic cloves, peppercorns, shallots, and turmeric to spice grinder. Grind until these spices become paste. Remove and discard upper ⅔rd of lemongrass stalk. Remove and discard the three outer layers. Dice remaining lemongrass. Cut beef into 1″ cubes.
Add spice paste and oil to work or large pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 2 minutes or until paste becomes fragrant. Stir constantly. Add all remaining ingredients to wok. Bring to boil using high heat. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to medium and cook for 1 hour. Stir enough to prevent burning. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 45 minutes or until the milky part of the liquid is gone, leaving a little bit of coconut oil. (Most of the liquid should be evaporated.) Stir enough to prevent burning. Simmer on low for another 15 minutes or until beef and sauce turn brown. Remove cinnamon stick, bay leaf, and kaffir lime leaves. Goes well with rice.
TIDBITS
1) The dish into the above picture is served on, well, a dish. The dish is round.
2) Why is it not square?
3 )Because you cannot roll something is square
4) Why does it matter if you can roll a dish? After all, if you rolled the above dish before you ate, you lost the food.
5) Clearly, the round shape was designed for something else in mind.
6) What was that?
7) One theory, advanced by culinary, archeologists, is that primitive caveman invented the stone FrisbeeTM.
8) They didn’t call it the Frisbee, of course. It’s named after the Frisbee Pie Company which sold its wares in round pie dishes.
9) Culinary historians believe most prehistoric companies were called Ogg, Inc. because nearly all cavemen were named Ogg. Cavewomen were called Ogg.
10) Therefore, these ancient humans probably named their invention the OggTM.
11) Isn’t surprising early humankind possessed the knowledge to incorporate and trademark things?
12) Alas though, the Ogg proved a dismal failure. If you didn’t catch it, it hit you in the head and that was that.
13) Indeed, culinary historians believe widespread Ogg playing extinguished the Neanderthals.
14) After a much briefer fling with the sport, the Cro Magnons abandoned Ogg tossing.
15) Tossing the Ogg around was supposed to be a fun leisure time activity. But making the circular Ogg took up all their free time. So, what was the point of making Oggs?
16) None, the Cro Magnons concluded. So, they went on to make spears, axes, animal skins, and the like. Humanity went on not quite a talc age, which is a bit below a golden age.
17) Throwing round things became a popular sport in Ancient Greek Olympics. Physically fit from throwing the much lighter and metallic Ogg–by then called the discus–Greeks explored the entire known world.
18) The Romans, inheritors of Greek civilization, conquered the entire Mediterranean and much of northwestern Europe. The Roman built roads to facilitate rapid deployment of legions from crisis point to another. And we all know, the Roman legionnaire loved to throw the discus.
19) The Roman army passed on discuss throwing to the natives wherever they went. The natives became buff as well. So, the Roman conquest proved to be quite the good thing for the locals once everybody got past the initial wholesale slaughter-and-enslavement phase. And ever since then we have lived in a round-thingy-throwing golden age.
20) But it’s sobering to think how the Cro Magnons, the last remaining branch of humankind, came to throwing themselves into extinction.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
The population of Uumannaq is 1,407 when you are not there and 1,408 when you are.
The most exhilarating tour is the Living in Nature as An Inuit. You’ll be hunting and fishing just an Inuit would. It’s a seven-day adventure where you get from place by dogsled. It also costs $4,050, but it really is a once in a lifetime experience. Heads up, it’s not wheel chair accessible.
But fear not. There’s a four-wheel drive excursion. and can take your pick of tours that cruise the harbor and the neighboring fjords.
For those who need to flee the crowd of the town, for those who wish to catch their own meal, but want to stay close to home, I certainly recommend an ice-fishing tour. Sure, you could do it yourself, but do you really want to lug your all your gear and your ice-fishing hut from Miami? Then you’d have to get all that out onto the ice. Yes, take the tour. You’ll be glad you did. And boy, oh boy, won’t your fresh fish taste good?
Dog sledding, ice fishing, cruises, super fresh fish, what more do you want? And Northern lights? Uummannaq has that too, usually, at least sometimes.
As always, “Good eating. Good traveling.”
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
½ tablespoon black or brown mustard seeds or combination
3 tablespoons ghee or vegetable oil
2 green chiles
1 inch ginger root
1 medium onion
2 garlic cloves
1 tomato
1½ pounds potatoes
10 ounces spinach
½ teaspoon coriander
½ tablespoon garam masala
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
½ cup water
Serves 4. Takes 1 hour.
PREPARATION
Seed and mince green chiles. Mince ginger and onion. Dice garlic cloves and tomato. Peel and cut potatoes into ½” cubes. Add ghee, potato, chile, ginger, onion, and garlic cloves to large pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion and garlic soften. Stir frequently. Add mustard seeds to second pan. Reduce heat to medium and toast for 2 minutes or until they splutter and pop. Stir frequently.
Add toasted mustard seeds, coriander, garam masala, pepper, salt, and water to pan with potato cubes. Cook at medium heat for 5 minutes. Add tomato. Reduce heat to low-medium and cook for 5 minutes or until liquid evaporates. Add spinach evenly over potato cubes. Cover, reduce heat to low and simmer for 10 minutes or until potato cubes are tender. Stir gently and just enough to prevent burning.
TIDBITS
1) Look at these two still-life representations The one on the left was painted by Vincent van Gogh. Ponder on his distressing lack of accuracy. The one on the right, shown also above, was taken by me. Regale in its crisp definition. Which one would you rather own, I ask you?
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
½ pound French fries (leftovers or cooked)
2 cups chicken or vegetable broth
⅛ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
2 green onions
½ cup milk
6 tablespoons sour cream
½ cup cheese, grated (your favorite type)
SPECIAL UTENSIL
food processor
Serves 4. Takes 20 minutes.
PREPARATION
Add French fries, broth, pepper, and salt to pot. Bring to boil at high heat. Reduce heat to low-medium and simmer for 3 minutes or until fries become quite tender. Stir occasionally. Pour contents into food processor. Puree until smooth. Return contents back to pot.
Dice green onions. Add milk and sour cream to pot. Mix with fork until well blended. Simmer at low-medium heat. Gradually add cheese. Stir constantly until well blended. Simmer at low-medium heat until cheese melts. Stir enough to prevent sticking. Garnish with green onion.
TIDBITS
1) This is an excellent recipe for using up those mounds of French fries you get from eating out. If you go use the drive through at a McDonald’sTM or a Burger KingTM, each and every order of hamburger and chicken sandwich will be met by “Do you want fries with that?” I’ve ever been asked if I wanted fries with that after ordering fries. Being the kind soul that you are, you always say, “Yes.” Soon, you are bringing home enough French fries to catapult a NASATM capsule into orbit.
2) This mania for adding fries extends to formal sit-down restaurants. One has to be quite diligent to find a dish that doesn’t come with a side of fries. Ice cream is the only item that comes to mind.
3) People cannot possibly eat all the French fries they bring home. So they throw it in the trash. A lot of trash makes it to the oceans. Millions of tons of fries congregate to form huge floating islands, large enough for jet fighters. As of now, various countries,–I’m not a liberty to mention them–are eying these French-fry islands as floating air-force bases. Such an increase of air power, particularly in the western Pacific Ocean would certainly destabilize the balance of power over there. This would be dangerous. Prevent war! Use up all your left-over fries with this recipe.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Find the best beer at Godthaab Bryghus. One person couldn’t find the bar, perhaps the beer drinking started before leaving the hotel.
Want free wifi? Then make you way to Cafe Wok, the only eatery that has it.
“I want pizza,” you say. “But I want Filipino food,” says your date. Wait! You’re both right at Mary’s Kitchen.
IGGU serves the best Greenlandic pizza.
Brugseni Nuuk is a specialty food market and has a little bit of everything.
Fjord lovers will certainly want to tour the magnificent and oh so nearby fjords.
Exercise lovers really must take the town’s two-hour walking tour. The single person will find its cost a tad pricey at $632. However, this price remains the same for groups up to fifteen people. So why not bring along fourteen of you closest friend?. Indeed some of Nuuk’s other activities seem tailored for large groups. Just a heads up here.
Be sure to take in the town’s fabulous Northern Lights. They’re not 100% reliable though. However, seeing them at Nuuk is probably your best bet. You get fewer and fewer displays as you head farther and farther south. They’ll be no Northern Lights by the time you get to San Diego.
Take a trip to one of the oldest permanent settlements in Greenland. You’ll meet a family living there. I don’t know their names.
And as always, “Have fun traveling.”
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
1 cup basmati rice or rice
1½ pounds stewing beef or lamb
1 large onion
2 tablespoons olive oil (2 more tablespoons later)
¼ cup fresh cilantro*
¼ cup fresh fenugreek leaves*
¼ cup fresh garlic chives or green onions or fresh chives*
4 green onions
½ cup fresh parsley*
½ tablespoon turmeric
1 15-ounce can kidney beans, drained
3 tablespoons lemon juice
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
2½ cups water
* = As a rule, you may substitute an amount of fresh herbs with ⅓ the amount of dried herbs.
Serves 5. Takes 2 hours.
PREPARATION
Cook rice according to instructions on package. While rice cooks, chop beef into 1″ cubes. Mince onion. Dice cilantro, fenugreek leaves, garlic chives, green onions, and parsley. Add onion and 2 tablespoons olive oil to large pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add beef cubes and turmeric. Sauté at medium heat for 5 minutes or until beef cubes brown on all sides.
Add cilantro, fenugreek leaves, garlic chives, green onions, parsley, and 2 tablespoons olive oil to small pan. Sauté at medium heat for 3 minutes or until herbs start to wilt. Stir frequently. Add sautéed veggies and herbs to large pan. Add kidney beans, lemon juice, pepper, salt, and water. (There should be enough water to cover ingredients by 1″.) Simmer on low heat for 1 hour or until meat is tender. Serve over rice.
TIDBITS
1) Eating khoresh ghormeh sabzi makes you smart. Hence, people who eat this entree are known as “ghormehful” or “gormful.” However, folks who don’t eat khoresh ghormeh sabzi have, of course no ghormeh inside themselves. They are known as “gormless.” Those who refuse to eat ghormeh are called “gormless fools,” particularly so in Britain where culinary intelligence is particularly valued.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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