Posts Tagged With: Comic Chef

I am This Computer Old

Are you this old?

Everybody who uses computers is cloud-and- USB old, but some of us are older than that.

Some people are 3½” hard diskette old, but some of us older than that.

Some folks are 5½” floppy disk old, but some of us are older than that.

Some men and women are punch-card old,  but I am older that!

I am punch-tape old.

“Look upon input sources, ye mighty, and despair.”*

* = If Ozymandias had been a computer geek.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: about me, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Amazing Way to Always Find Your Car Keys

How many times has this happened to you?

You’re late to:

1)  Meet the love of your life at a super fancy restaurant. You’re going to propose to her.

2) An interview for your dream job.

3) A meeting with a hostile foreign ambassador. You’re hoping to avoid global armageddon.

But none of these things happen. You spent an hour looking for your care keys.

1)  You love leaves the restaurant before you arrive, vowing to hate you forever.

2) Your would be boss gives the position to a lutefisk vendor because no other applicants showed up.

3) You thought that the stand up ambassador would relay the unforgivable insult to his country. The almost certain missiles never get launched against you beloved country, only because the foreign ambassador couldn’t find his car keys either. But it was a near run thing.

Face it, you’re disorganized. The keys you placed on the hook devoted to them fall to the floor. Or you put the keys down, well you can’t remember where. Then use put some papers on top of them. Now you have no chance to find them.

What to do? Simply buy Bushell’s Model 303 Household Balloon. Simply attach your keys to the little hook beneath the ballon. When you want to find your car keys, simply look up. It’s that easy. You’ll say, “Thank you, Bushnell.”

Or splurge for the enhanced model, the Bushnell Model 303E Household Balloon. The battery powered 303E will follow you as you move from room to room. Your keys will always be right above your head.

So get yourself a 303. You’ll never have to worry starting World War III ever again. Heck, you might even get married.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: science, you need to get | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Did Not Medal in the Olympics

I did not medal in the Olympics.

I forgot to write my trials on the calendar.

The officials there disqualified me for not showing.

One day I’ll be over 70

And be past my prime.

I am bereft of joy.

Paris is no longer the City of Lights for me.

Poetry is hard.

I need a taco.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: sports | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cantaloupe Smoothie

American Dessert

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CANTALOUPE SMOOTHIE

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INGREDIENTS
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4 cups cantaloupe, cubed
2 bananas
1 tablespoon honey
2 cups milk
2 cups plain yogurt or vanilla yogurt
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SPECIALTY APPLIANCE
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blender
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PREPARATION
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Put all ingredients in blender. Blend at “smoothie” setting for about 30 seconds or until thoroughly blended. Woo hoo, tasty and simple.
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TIDBITS
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1) Cantaloupe is an anagram for “toucan, leap.” Count Dracula is based on Vlad the Impala. No, only one those two assertions isn’t right. Vlad ruled Wallachia off and on from 1448 to 1476.
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2) Impala is a car. The first Impala was built in 1958. So it isn’t possible for Vlad to have driven an Impala. Still, the commercial tie ins are obvious.
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3) Or maybe not. Vlad was really Vlad the Impaler. He got that title from impaling his enemies on long, pointy poles. The best slogan incorporating this fact would be, “Drive an Impala. People will fear you and get out of your way.” Meh. Still it makes you think. Why was Vlad so crabby?.
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4) Culinary historians believed nothing would make Vlad happier than seeing toucans leap. He’d say, “Leap, amazing toucan, leap.”
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5) How did Vlad get his leaping toucans? Why, from the famous Central and-South America to Wallachia Leaping Toucan for Pointy Pole Trade Route.
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6) The Ottoman Turks controlled part of this path. This would have been okay, but one day Vlad and the Ottoman sultan accused each other of cheating at Parcheesia(tm). Words were said and soon the sultan blocked all Toucan/pointy pole trade. The two Parcheesi players went to war. Vlad died.
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7) However, the anagram-and-smoothie loving, Sultan honored his foe’s courage with the cantaloupe smoothie. Now you know.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Grape Freezer Jam

American Breakfast

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GRAPE FREEZER JAM

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INGREDIENTS
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2 cups fresh, crushed grapes (about 1 pound whole)*
3½ tablespoons lemon juice
4 cups sugar
¾ cup water
6 tablespoons or 1.75-ounce box fruit pectin powder)
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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potato masher or food processor
5 * 1-cup hot, sterilized Mason jars (They really must be hot and newly sterilized.)
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Makes 5-cups. Takes 1 hour plus 1-to-2 hours to set.
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PREPARATION* – (Assuming, as is likely, you can’t find crushed grapes to buy)
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Cut grapes in half. Remove stems and seeds from grapes. Smash grape halves with potato masher until thoroughly crushed. (Or add bits to food processor. Pulse processor until thoroughly crushed, but not yet pureed. Some grape bits should remain.)
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Add grape and lemon juice to large mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Add sugar. Mix with whisk until sugar dissolves completely. (Undissolved sugar makes the jam grainy.)
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Add water and pectin to small pan. Bring to boil using heat. Stir constantly. Boil for 1 minute, stirring constantly. Pour boiling water over grape/sugar mix. Stir constantly for 3 minutes. The mixture should start to jell and thicken.
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Pour grape mixture into Mason jars. Leave ½” gap at the top. Stir until grape bits and juice gel and blend. Cover and let stand for 1-to-2 hours or until set. (Not longer than 12 hours.) If desired, serve some immediately. Store the rest in the refrigerator for 3 weeks or in the freezer for up to 1 year.
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TIDBITS
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1) Sorry, this tidbit isn’t funny. But I am quite proud that I wrote this recipe and then made it. This is my first recipe since getting Covid, a severe ear infection, and surgery back to back to back.
2) Okay, I have space for a joke. Q: How many 1-cup Mason jars filled with grape jam does it take to change a light bulb? A: 122, but it’s far safer to use a step ladder. Ha, ha, ha!
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Weight Loss Through Anti-Fat Matter

welcomes scientific advancement

The universe is composed of matter and  anti-matter. When anti-matter contacts matter, matter disappears.

It stands to reason that our universe (Three cheers for it, hurray, hurray, hurray) is also made up of fat matter and anti-fat matter. Then when anti-fat matter collides with fat matter, fat disappears. All we need to do is find anti-fat matter. I applaud this search.

Such instantaneous disappearance of fat would be much preferable to dreary, difficult diets.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: science, Secrets of the Universe | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Misheard Lyrics of Nat King Cole

Is there anything more soothing than listening to the magnficent Nat King Cole?

His magnificent voice transfers us to a happier world.

Well, no.

Only if you hear the correct lyrics.

The true lyrics for the song “For Sentimental Reasons”  include:

“I love you
For sentimental reasons
I hope you do believe me
I’ll give you my heart”

And now the misheard lyrics which change the meaning to a love song between archeologists.

Misheard Lyrics #21

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: misheard | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

My Good Day

My stunt double

Woke up. Feel out of bed.

Number Two Son announced he passed the last two tests necessary to get a CPA. Huzzah! I am so proud.

Did finances.

Did errands. Made my first long drive since having surgery. Go me.

Went to my arts and crafts class which was also a baby shower. The mom to be was so pleased that so many people showed up and that she received so many nice gifts.

I finished the Charlie Brown latch-hook project that I started some six months back. Go me.

Made the long drive back.

Good day.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: about me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Day Today

I made corned beef and a strawberry smoothie. These aren’t big things, but it was the first time since surgery that I felt up to doing them. I also went for a short walk. Go me.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: about me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Wanda Wunder Wonders About Brain Cells

Wanda Wunder #43

 

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Wanda Wunder | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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