The Bean Burrito
Oh bean burrito,
Oh bean burrito,
You’re oh so neato.
You need no meato.
Dear reader, you can tell
Today, I’m fond of doggerel.
Just don’t put that meatel
In this, my bean burritel.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Talibabe Girls
Well Saudi girls are clothed
I really dig those layers they wear
And the Yemen girls with the way they’re mute
They hear me out when I’m down there
The mideast guns really have you in their sights
And the northern girls with the way they run
They keep their boyfriends scarce at night.
I wish they could all be Talibabe, yeah
I wish they could all be Talibabe, yeah
I wish they could all be Talibabe yeah girls.
The gulf coast has the oil wealth
And the girls all get so bland
I dig a French Peugeot in some ‘istan
Lots of car bombs in the sand
I’ve been all around this great big land
And I’ve seen no skin of girls
Yeah, but I couldn’t wait to get back to ‘istan
Back to the most clothesed girls in the world
I wish they all could wear thick black burkhas
I wish they all could wear thick black burkhas
I wish they all could be thick black burkha girls
I wish they all could be Talibabe, yeah
(girls, girls, girls, yeah I hide the)
I wish they all could be Talibabe, yeah
(girls, girls, girls, yeah I hide the)
I wish they all could be Talibabe, yeah
(girls, girls, girls, yeah I hide the)
I wish they all could be Talibabe, yeah
(girls, girls, girls, yeah I hide the)
Cosmic Collisions
The History Channel does so fear
Countless comets far and near.
What if a comet comes too near
To us on Earth where here is here?
WE ‘RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
If not now, then in 100 million years
WE WILL ALL DIE!
Drink up all your beers.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Peas
Peas porridge hot.
Peas porridge hot.
Aw, to heck with it.
There’s no plot.
No character development.
I’m taking my poem
And going home.
Romance
My alter ego loves your alter ego
And I love you.
Shall we double date?
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Laundry
O pile of laundry.
O pile of laundry.
Lying securely in
The walk-in closet.
Walk out, laundry
I say, walk out.
Clean yourself.
Come back clean.
But the laundry
never listens.
Bad laundry,
Go to your room.
There will be laundry
Until we die.
Does life cause laundry
or does laundry cause life?
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Poway, Vacation Getaway
Oh Poway! Oh Poway!
You’re such a vacation wowie.
You beat the pants off Maui.
With Your Lake Poway.
Paris just can’t compare
With our Old Poway Fare
Not even on a dare
Would I go over there.
Italy with its many grand plazas
Or Sinai with its teeming Gaza
Can’t beat Taco Bell’s enchilada.
For me, I’ll have Poway or nada.
Why go to Nice with its weather fair
Or to Moscow for a Russian bear?
Come to Poway, mon frère.
Enjoy our constant street repair
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Oh time machine!
Oh time machine!
When did you go?
I need you so.
I washed my clothes three days ago.
Then I forgot them so.
Now I must rewash them-o.
What a pain. Oh no!.
But with my time machine
I could go back two days
And put them in the dryer, eh?
And save the extra washing.
Bad time-machine use? Not at all.
Washing uses up all my Tide.
To get more detergent I shall
Find your house and break inside..
Sorry.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
My sons love Lego pieces
And I love my sons so.
And I love my nieces,
But I don’t love Lego.
Lego pieces, built to last.
They withstand such forces vast..
Quietly, they take our many blows.
But they hurt my shoeless toes.
They multiply. O how they multiply.
Are those more pieces that I spy?
I’ve sucked up millions with my vacuum.
Yet there are millions more, hence my gloom..
We could repave our streets you know
Coast to coast with crushed Lego.
They’d outlast our asphalt roads
Our kids would build them a la mode.
I can rhyme no more.
My foot hurts.
I’ve just stepped on a Lego.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Sodas, oh sodas,
Why are you so unhealthy
When you taste so good?
Oh soda makers,
Why is it so hard to make
Freaking healthy drinks?
Phosphorus is bad
Caramel coloring’s bad
Life’s getting grayer.
A healthy soda,
My kingdom for good soda!
Five more syllables.
Life without root beer
Is life without a defense
To counter pure evil.
Sodas, unhealthy.
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
I want chocolate.
Give me all the chocolate
And no one gets hurt.
My sweetheart left me.
But he left the chocolate.
So, it’s all okay.
Oh my chocolate,
Wonderful gift of the gods,
You make the sunrise.
Milk chocolate and
Dark chocolate, yum, yum, yum
You’re the basic food groups.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Bacon haikus is the new wave of literature.
I started off with one that oozes elegant simplicity.
Bacon, my bacon.
Bacon, bacon, my bacon.
Bacon, my bacon.
Did Rembrandt like bacon?
I like to think he did or
I’ll sell his paintings.
Bacon tastes so wonderful.
Makes jobs for heart specialists.
Bacon tastes wonderful.
Pilgrims farming the
Old West always took bacon
God bless America.
America went to
War to defeat the Nazis
And protect bacon.
America is great
With its fine chocolate
With its crisp bacon.
Don’t care what others
Will say, but give me bacon
Or some chocolate.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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