Posts Tagged With: guns

How to Commit a Yummy Murder

If you’re thinking of committing murder, why not use Twizzlers(tm)? They’re yummy and fatal if used correctly as shown below.

1) Buy  several bags. Don’t worry about this, there is no waiting period for buying Twizzlers as can happen for guns.

2) Interweave the short, weak Twizzler pieces into a massive, sturdy candy rope. E Pluribus Unum. “Out of many, one.” This used to be the motto of our great country. By constructing a Twizzler rope you are paying homage to our nation’s founding fathers.

3) Choke your victim with the Twizzler rope. Did your murder make society better off? Did your victim annoy the heck out of everyone he met? If so, give yourself a pat on the back.

4)  Eat the Twizzler rope. This act neatly disposes of the murder weapon and honestly, can you really stop yourself from eating all that yummy candy?

5) Call the police and say you found the victim dead and you just don’t know what happened. They might not believe you but without a murder weapon what can they do?

I hope you’ll find this little household tip useful.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

P.S. Murder is actually wrong. Just say no.

P.P.S. Even though murdering spouses eliminates the need for going through nasty, prolonged divorce proceedings, it is still wrong. Just say no to murder. Don’t make me come back there.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Updating Mark Twain’s Picket Fence

Perhaps you’re worried you guns will be taken from you. Perhaps you want something that will deter a vicious intruder in your home more than dewaltyour current arsenal of rubber bands, but is less lethal than an assault weapon in case of accidental use by the family. If so, DeWalt has something for you. Look at the weapon to the right. This baby can shoot a 16-D nail through a 2×4 at 200 yards.

But is it any use outside of defending your family from armed attackers? Is it dual purpose like my kitchen mallet that can crush  the skull of the robber inside my living room or flatten that chicken breast to make scallopini?

Yes it is. Remember famous scene where Tom Sawyer so convinces his friends that painting a picket fence is such fun they even pay him for the privilege of painting? Well suppose you want to put a picket fence around your front yard. You don’t want one of those faux plastic picket fences. You want an honest -to-goodness wooden one. But gosh you say, nailing all those pickets will take forever with a hammer. Is there an easier way?

I’m glad you asked. Simply lean all the pickets against the cross boards of your fence. Stock your lawn table with plenty of beer and pretzels and invite all your friends who own a DeWalt nail gun over for a party. Challenge your friends to hit those little pickets. After a few beers, they’ll be blazing away with their DeWalts. Over the course of an hour of shooting, enough bulls-eyes will occur to nail your fence together. And with a range of 200 yards you can put up a rather long picket fence. And like Tom Sawyer you’ll be the only one to know it was supposed to be work.

Of course, it must be said many of the fired nails will not hit their targets. Best to invite all your neighbors and their pets to your beer-and-pretzel party. Remember, the best position on guns is behind them.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Loving Poems About Talibabe Girls And Cosmic Collisions

 Talibabe Girls

Well Saudi girls are clothed
I really dig those layers they wear
And the Yemen girls with the way they’re mute
They hear me out when I’m down there

The mideast guns really have you in their sights
And the northern girls with the way they run
They keep their boyfriends scarce at night.

I wish they could all be Talibabe, yeah
I wish they could all be Talibabe, yeah
I wish they could all be Talibabe yeah girls.

The gulf coast has the oil wealth
And the girls all get so bland
I dig a French Peugeot in some ‘istan
Lots of car bombs in the sand

I’ve been all around this great big land
And I’ve seen no skin of girls
Yeah, but I couldn’t wait to get back to ‘istan
Back to the most clothesed girls in the world

I wish they all could wear thick black burkhas
I wish they all could wear thick black burkhas
I wish they all could be thick black burkha girls

I wish they all could be Talibabe, yeah
(girls, girls, girls, yeah I hide the)
I wish they all could be Talibabe, yeah
(girls, girls, girls, yeah I hide the)
I wish they all could be Talibabe, yeah
(girls, girls, girls, yeah I hide the)
I wish they all could be Talibabe, yeah
(girls, girls, girls, yeah I hide the)

Cosmic Collisions

The History Channel does so fear
Countless comets far and near.
What if a comet comes too near
To us on Earth where here is here?

WE ‘RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
If not now, then in 100 million years
WE WILL ALL DIE!
Drink up all your beers.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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