Pepe the Clown says, “Juggle your balls.”
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
You can’t spot the guacamole stain.
How many times has this happened to you? You’re dead tired, but you went to that party anyway. Your gracious host served a tableful of wonderfully tasty Mexican food. And the guacamole was to die for.
And now, you oaf, you spilled some heavenly guacamole on your cloud-white shirt. No one’s seen it yet, but in moments they will. And you will die of shame. You yearn to escape out the door. Your conscience won’t let you. You know you’re likely to crash your car if you drive away. There’s only one thing to do. Get sleep now. But if you go to sleep on a bed, people will notice. They’ll point at you and wake you up with their laughter. “Ha, ha,” they’ll say in unison, “look at Sleeping Beauty. Look at the guacamole stain. What a loser.”
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
Not if you buy your clothes from Food Stain Apparel(tm). Our matching set of Rock the Guac(tm) matching set of shirt and pants is just the thing for this social setting. This green, surfing Batman and Robin(tm) camouflage ensemble hides any amount of guacamole. As far as your fellow revelers know, you have the adept fingers of a concert violinist.
And don’t worry about falling asleep in a bed. We’ve designed our Rock the Gauc evening wear to mimic pajamas! Our PJs blend right in with the bed. Wake up the next morning refreshed and happy. People will talk for years to come about that bon vivant violinist.
Be rested. Be confident. Buy Food Stain Apparel.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Always strive to be better. Let Achievement Man be your role model.
Achievement Man #1
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Don’t delay! Turn your life around. Do this today.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
The following is especially true in cooking, or so a friend told me.
Life Tip and Trick #1
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
1) Stay inside.
2) Or go outside, if you prefer. I’m not going to be dogmatic or controlling.
3) If you opt for option 2), please use an umbrella or drive with the windows up.
4) Look out the window to see if it’s still raining.
5) If it is, say, “Look, it’s raining.”
6) Wait for people in the room to say, “Yes, sure is.”
7) Binge watch TV.
8) Play Risk(tm).
9) Learn quantum physics. It’s difficult, but it can be done.
10) Take up painting.
11) Take up latch hooking.
12) Contemplate the turning points in Carl La Fong’s life.
13) Conjugate your Portuguese verbs. Don’t let this slide. You’ll never know when you’ll end up in Brazil.
14) Make whopee with your partner.
15) Nap. Catch up on your sleep debt.
16) Look at pictures of kittens and puppies on the internet.
17) Avoid surgery.
18) Stay inside. It’s still raining.
19) Contemplate the infinite while looking at the ceiling.
20) Call Carl La Fong. It’s been such a long time and he’d love to hear from you.
21) Call home. This is especially easy when you’re home.
22) Read a book while taking a bath.
23) Pretend to book a flight to Madagascar.
24) Make a machine that says, “Repeat,” over and over to any automated online menus.
25) Before going to bed, look out the window and say, “If wonder if it’ll rain tomorrow.”
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Losing his liberty and the freedom of his people to Julius Caesar was one thing, but when people mispell gall as Gaul, King Vercingetorix, King of the Gauls gets hopping mad.
– Paul De Lancey, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
You can make this number go down
Let’s face it, many of would like to lose weight.
Unfortunately, many of get weighed at the doctor’s office. You see your weight. You didn’t think it was that high! Goodness. The weight taker sees your weight. She writes it down. What is she thinking? It’s probably, “Tsk, tsk.”
You’re sitting in the waiting room waiting for the dread weighing. (Notice the nifty alliteration? The ancient Norsemen valued alliteration over rhyming in their poetry.)
Anyway what can you do in those precious minutes to lower the number on the scale?
I’m glad you asked.
1) Just before weighing, remove your wallet and set it aside. (Hey, it weighs something and it’s not even body mass. Why let it count?)
2) Remove your keys.
3) Remove your cell phone, iPad(tm), whatever.
4) Remove your glasses.
5) Remove your contact lens. (Store them carefully.)
6) Remove your shoes. (The doctor’s staff will let you do this.)
7) Remove your belt and as many as the staff will let you get away. (Still not your body mass, so why let it count?)
8) Exhale and hold your breath. (Those air molecules in your lungs must weigh something.
9) Vist the restroom and spit. (Spit has mass.)
10) Pee and poo. (They too have mass.)
11) It’s trying to poo, even the humble fart has mass.)
12) Comb your hair. (Dandruff has mass.)
13) Look for eye boogers and remove them. (Yep, mass.)
14) Clip your fingernails and toenails. (More mass.)
15) Trim your moustache and pluck your eyebrows. (Excess mass that’s staring you in the mirror.)
16) Remove all makeup and nail polish. (Mass, excess mass.)
Now face your weighting with confidence.
17) Oh, and don’t forget to blow your nose.
Get through your visit with the doctor.
Now go home and treat yourself to a chocolate doughnut, you magnificent sunbeam, you.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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