Posts Tagged With: Venus

What I Did Today

Posted on October 11, 2024 by pauldelancey

Venus. It’s hot.

Woke up, got up, showed, and dressed. I graciously accept a medal for Achievement in Adulting.

Went to my office. Saw no bunnies outside my window. Got bored. Dabbled in finance. Accidently destablized the entire global economy. Restablized everything before anyone noitced. So no harm, no foul.

Then I went to physical therapy for problems with my lower back. I really got a work out. All sorts of muscles were stretched. I felt as fit as Achilles, before an arrow shot into his heel killed him. Culinary historians call this problem an Achilles’ Arrow.

Any way, I felt fit! After 30 minutes of intense exercise, I was prepared to conquer the Summer Olympics. I called the International Olympic Committee, IOC, to tell them I was ready. They said sorry, that the Olympics already took place earlier this year.

What a bummer. I swallowed my disappointment by eating a huge meatball sandwich for lunch; no need to keep in shape. I discontinue my excercise regime.

I got groceries. I bought a pair of slip-on shoes. May they’ll help me win gold medals in the next olympics

3:22 pm: I activate my time machine. I wait 60 seconds for it to function.

3:23 pm: It’s exacly one minute later. My time machine works.

I am so proud. I shall call it a time piece.

3:25 pm: I drive home, taking full use of the miracle of internal combustion.

5:57 pm: America gets invaded by Venusians. My home is the site of the initial invasion.  They say that they’re conquering our planet because it’s so much cooler than theirs. I offer them some homade ice cream. They like it very much. So much so that they call off their attack with the proviso that I give them ice cream every year. I agree and even offer to throw in a big bag of homemade chocolate chips with each visit. They can’t believe their good luck. We part, having become the best of friends.

My frenetic day left me exhausted, so I relaxed by watching mind-improving comedies on TV.

I do hope you behaved yourselves while I was preoccupied.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Owie Day

Posted on March 11, 2024 by pauldelancey

I had planned to patrol for scouts from Venus. I had been anticipating their imminent arrival. Unfortuately, I had to see a doctor and then do errands. As we all know, the Venusian invaders didn’t land today. Perhaps my sternly worded message, “Now, see here,” scared them off. Perhaps they liked the chocolate chip cookies  I left them in a space bubble so much, that they refrained from attacking. Or maybe, just maybe, they found something more entertaining to do at home. But whatever the reason, they didn’t invade and I, for one, am happy about that.

Meanwhile back on Earth I saw a doctor for the bursitis in my shoulders. One shoulder was so bad that it disturbed my sleep. The shots to help, hurt a fair amount, but only for a short while. I did errands and suffered through backed-up traffic. At one point, there was no remotely reasonable route how that didn’t involve inching past road repair. Does the county coordinate? Are there any road repairs that have more than one worker actually doing anything?

Anyway, I’m exhausted.

Please refrain from invading Venus. I think the crisis has passed.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Things I Wonder About – Venus Fly Traps

Posted on October 13, 2021 by pauldelancey

I don’t know why I started wondering about people eating Venus fly traps. Are fly traps a good source of fiber? Do they promote regularity? Are they bitter? Anyway, I thought these things and soon enough I wondered:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Where and Why There is Life in the Solar System

Posted on June 6, 2021 by pauldelancey

Planet: Mercury

Does it have tacos? No.

Does it have life? No.

Weight of two hypothetical tacos:  0.38 pound

 

 

Planet: Venus

Does it have tacos? No. Looks like an overcooked egg yolk. That doesn’t count.

Does it have life: No.

Weight of two hypothetical tacos: 0.91 pound

 

 

 

 

 

 

Planet: Earth

Does it have tacos? Yes. Billions and billions

Does it have life? Yes. Billions and billions of people. Lots of other living thingies.

Weight of two tacos: 1.00 pound

 

 

 

 

 

Planet: Mars

Do it have tacos? No. It does have Mars Bars(tm), but those are not tacos.

Does it have life? No.

Weight of two hypothetical tacos: 0.38 pound

 

 

 

 

Planet: Jupiter

Does it have tacos? No.

Does it have life? No.

Weight of two hypothetical tacos: 2.36 pounds (This is gaseous planet. Your tacos would fall all the way to the planet’s center.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Planet: Saturn

Does it have tacos? No.

Does it have life? No.

Weight of two hypothetical tacos: 1.06 pounds (This is gaseous planet. Your tacos would fall all the way to the planet’s center.)

 

Planet: Uranus

Does it have tacos? No.

Does it have life?: No.

Was it once named George?: Yes

Weight of two hypothetical tacos:  .89 pound (This is gaseous planet. Your tacos would fall all the way to the planet’s center.)

 

 

Planet: Neptune

Does it have tacos? No.

Does it have life? No.

Weight of two hypothetical tacos: 1.13 pounds (This is gaseous planet. Your tacos would fall all the way to the planet’s center.)

 

 

 

 

Planet*: Pluto

Does it have tacos?: No.

Does it have life?: No.

Weight of two hypothetical tacos: 0.08 pound

Did this plucky celestial orbiter have its planetary status callously stripped in 2006 and only given reluctantly given back the wienie status of dwarf planet soon afterward because of widespread outcry?: Yes.

 

 

MAJOR CONCLUSIONS

1) Life only exists on planets with tacos.

2) Don’t drop your tacos on Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, or Neptune. They will continue to fall until they reach the planet’s center.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., and astronomer

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: food, humor, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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