Vera wants to thank the world’s fumbled-fingered people
Vera the Virus #8, 01/03/2025
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Man of music, man of rage
Sorry this post had to be filed via a time machine, but I got into a fistfight with Santa Claus. He came down the chimney in the wee hours of Christmas morning. Harry Truman was still president when the chimney was last cleaned. So he got a facefull of dirt and twigs, dust, spider webs, and grimes all over his once red and white suit.
Did he like the fact that there was a fireplace screen and a sofa blocking the chimney’s exit?
No, he did not.
Indeed, he said, “What sort of an aadvark’s butt hole puts a screen and a sofa to block my way? And where the feck are my milk and cookies? This house blows dead bears!”
I drew myself to 90 percent of my full height. “Yeah well, at least I didn’t let my reindeer bully Rudolph and exclude him from their reindeer games, you fat, judgmental bastard. Also, I don’t enslave elves to make toys for me, you ball of Arctic pestilence.”
Then words were said that couldn’t be taken back. Fists were raised. Punches were thrown. I out pummeled fatty, having practiced boxing a little bit in college. However, the Jolly Recluse of the North Pole sure could take a punch. That huge belly of Old Saint Nick absorbed anything I could throw at him. The fight went on for hours until Mr. Claus realized he was behind schedule.
He pointed a finger at me. “Thanks to you, kids in Sub-Saharan Africa won’t get their presents until noon, Inconceivable, you whining pustule.”
I sneered. “Yeah, your wife living in Barbados, well I’ve had her. Hasta la vista, Santy.”
I will always wonder if I could have handled our meeting better. Ouch, my ribs! The Clausorino sure possessed a mean right jab. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a long, hot bath with Epsom salts.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Venus. It’s hot.
Woke up, got up, showed, and dressed. I graciously accept a medal for Achievement in Adulting.
Went to my office. Saw no bunnies outside my window. Got bored. Dabbled in finance. Accidently destablized the entire global economy. Restablized everything before anyone noitced. So no harm, no foul.
Then I went to physical therapy for problems with my lower back. I really got a work out. All sorts of muscles were stretched. I felt as fit as Achilles, before an arrow shot into his heel killed him. Culinary historians call this problem an Achilles’ Arrow.
Any way, I felt fit! After 30 minutes of intense exercise, I was prepared to conquer the Summer Olympics. I called the International Olympic Committee, IOC, to tell them I was ready. They said sorry, that the Olympics already took place earlier this year.
What a bummer. I swallowed my disappointment by eating a huge meatball sandwich for lunch; no need to keep in shape. I discontinue my excercise regime.
I got groceries. I bought a pair of slip-on shoes. May they’ll help me win gold medals in the next olympics
3:22 pm: I activate my time machine. I wait 60 seconds for it to function.
3:23 pm: It’s exacly one minute later. My time machine works.
I am so proud. I shall call it a time piece.
3:25 pm: I drive home, taking full use of the miracle of internal combustion.
5:57 pm: America gets invaded by Venusians. My home is the site of the initial invasion. They say that they’re conquering our planet because it’s so much cooler than theirs. I offer them some homade ice cream. They like it very much. So much so that they call off their attack with the proviso that I give them ice cream every year. I agree and even offer to throw in a big bag of homemade chocolate chips with each visit. They can’t believe their good luck. We part, having become the best of friends.
My frenetic day left me exhausted, so I relaxed by watching mind-improving comedies on TV.
I do hope you behaved yourselves while I was preoccupied.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Stunt Big Toe from Stunt Man
Seems difficult to do but I did. I warmed by spilling one cookie-dough round into the oven and few more on the floor.
Then . . .
I tripped on the part of the broiler that was sticking out by a little. But my left big toe managed to catch it. I fell/flew forward, twisted in mid-air and broke my fall with my left knee. Final damage: headache, twisted neck, twisted back, twisted left ankle, and throbbing left, big toe, and hurt left knee. I thought briefly that my big toe was broken, but it’s better now. Oh and I managed to pull the broiler drawer all the way open with my big toe.
You may say that baking is not a full-contact sport, but I respectfully disagree.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Surgeries are scary. And taking pills can be just as intimidating. Sure, you might start with one, but before you know it you’ll need a backhoe to lift your daily pills into your mouth. You can wait in a doctor’s office for up to an hour to hear his five-minute opinion. Moreover, all these paths to better health can be expensive, And do health-care avenues ever make you happy?
No.
But what makes us feel better? And is inexpensive?
Cookies.
Cookies make you feel better. We love people who give us gifts. When have we even felt love when wheeled into the surgery room? When given pills?
Never.
But cookies make us feel better. Cookies let us know people care about how we feel. Cookies improve our outlook and so, our mental health.
If only there were a phrase to describe this great cure. And now there is:
TODAY’S AWESOME PHRASE
Cookie Health Care
Awesome entry #45
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
A big batch. I also couldn’t use my office for a long time.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
1¼ teaspoon baking soda
2¼ cups gluten free flour*
¾ teaspoon salt
1 cup butter, softened
1 cup brown sugar
½ cup sugar
2 eggs
1½ teaspoons vanilla
12 ounces semisweet chocolate chips
* = I used King Arthur Gluten-Free Measure For Measure Flour.
SPECIAL UTENSILS
electric beater
2 cookie sheets
Makes 50 cookies. Takes 1 hour. (Varies with the number of batches.)
PREPARATION
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Add baking soda, flour, and salt to 1st, large mixing bowl. Mix with whisk or fork until thoroughly blended. Add butter, brown sugar, sugar, eggs, and vanilla to 2nd, larger mixing bowl. Blend with electric beater set on medium until mixture becomes fluffy. Gradually add dry mixture from 1st mixing bowl to the butter/sugar mixture in 2nd mixing bowl. Mix with beater at medium setting until thoroughly mixed. Fold in chocolate chips. Mix with hands until well blended.
Roll dough into little balls about 1″ wide. Leave a 1″ gap between chocolate chip/dough balls. Bake at 375 degrees for 12 minutes or until golden brown. (Baking times for successive batches may vary.) Let cookies cool for 2 minutes before transferring with a spatula to wire rack or cold plate. Cool for an additional 5-to-20 minutes or as long as you can stand waiting.
TIDBITS
1) Culinary archaeologists hold Lucy of Olduvai Gorge baked the first cookies 3.2 million years ago. Lucy cookies inspired her hominid neighbors to evolve into humans and to develop agriculture. Farming freed people from non-stop hunting and gathering. This left time for adults to get frisky. Frisky adults sparked a population explosion that ate up all the wheat. Whole tribes left Africa searching for new lands suitable for wheat and gluten-free substitutes. Humanity’s ascent had begun.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Gloomy Man and Happy Man got into a flour fight while making cookies.
Wouldn’t it have even neater if I could have found a picture of Edgar Allan Poe writing at his desk. He’s just penned the words, “Once upon a midnight dreary.” A woman is looking over his shoulder and says, “Okay, gloomer.”
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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