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We last saw Goldilocks banished to the Gobi Dessert for eating the Three Civilized Bears’ porridge. The Three Bears starved to death. This new branch of fauna called “humano bears”  or “homo ullamcorper” in Latin went extinct. Goldilocks, you bitch.

Wandering the Gobi Dessert, perpetually looking for food and water gave Goldlocks time to think. She eventually gained maturity and repented of her selfish, destructive ways. She decided to consult for fire departments in Southern California.

So, one year Goldilocks took the sky and seeded a small cloud.

Not much rain resulted from this cloud seeding. Grasses, crops, and other flora dried out and became tinder for all the sparks of fire around the counties. Great big sections of the southern counties becames ever-growing firestorms. Thousands of acres and home burnt to the ground. Thousands of wildlife and hundreds of people died. Goldilocks, that cloud was too small, you bitch.

The fire department gave her a chance to redeem herself. So, Goldilocks took to the sky and seeded a large cloud. It then rained and rained all over Southern California. Grasses and shrubbery sprang up and flourished every. So when the grasses, crop, and other flora inevitably dried out in the coming summer, there was even more tinder for all the the sparks of fire around the state. Tens of thousands of acres and home burnt to the ground. Tens of thousands of wildlife and thousands of people died. Goldilocks, that cloud was too big, you bitch.

People calling Goldilocks a bitch time after time saddened her. So much so that the fire department chiefs game her one last chance. So, Goldilocks took to the sky and seeded a medium cloud. It  rained just enough to water the regions crop and also  just enough to put out all the tiny fires that were just starting. Only a tiny amount of grasses and shrubbery sprang up and flourished. So when the grasses, crop, and other flora inevitably dried out in the coming summer, there was not enough tinder for anything more than quite manageable fires. Nothing burned to the ground. All wildlife and thousands  pranced around safely. And all lived happily ever after.Goldilocks, that cloud was just right, you clever angel.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.