cuisine

Oklahoma Venison Burger

American Entree

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OKLAHOMA VENISON BURGER

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INGREDIENTS­
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1 onion
1 pound ground venison or ground beef
⅛ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
4 hamburger buns
1 ½tablespoon vegetable oil
4 slices American or cheddar cheese
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
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SPECIAL UTENSIL
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mandoline
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Serves 4. Takes 35 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Use mandoline to cut onion into slices 1/16″ thick. Add venison, pepper, and salt to mixing bowl. Mix with hands until well blended. Divide venison into 4 balls..
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Add venison balls to flat surface. Top venison balls with equal amounts of onion slices. Use large spatula to smash venison balls into patties ¼” thick. (Make sure the onion slices are totally smashed into the patty.)
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Add vegetable oil to pan. Use spatula to add as many flattened patties to pan ast will fit without touching. (You might to cook in batches.) Cook patties at medium heat for 4 minutes or until the bottom of the patties brown and the edges start to crisp.
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Use large spatula to carefully turn over patties. Cook for another 3 minutes or until onion bits turn golden brown, or caramelize, and patties reach desired level of doneness. Top patties with a cheese slice. Cook for 1 minute more or until cheese melts. While venison patties cook, toast buns. Assemble burger with your favorite toppings and dig in. Yum.
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TIDBITS
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1) Smashing onion into burgers during the Great Depression was a way to stretch expensive beef. This idea is credited by culinary historians for lifting America of the Great Depression.
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2) On the other hand, their cousins, the culinary physicists, are using particle accelerators to test the properties of Oklahoma Venison Burgers, OVB, under extreme conditions. What do they hope to find? They’re not saying. We should worry.
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My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Banane Celeste

Martinican Dessert

(From Martinique)

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BANANE CELESTE

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INGREDIENTS
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1 pound cream cheese (½ pound more later)
3 tablespoons butter
6 ripe bananas
¼ cup brown sugar
½ teaspoon cinnamon (¼ teaspoon more later)
½ pound cream cheese
¼ cup heavy cream
¼ teaspoon cinnamon
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SPECIAL UTENSIL
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8″ *8″ baking dish
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Serves 6. Takes 50 minutes plus at least 2 hours 30 minutes to set.
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PREPARATION
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Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Let cream cheese and butter soften. Peel bananas and cut them in half along their lengths.
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Add cream cheese, brown sugar, and ½ teaspoon cinnamon to large mixing bowl. Use fork or blender on lowest setting until cream cheese/brown sugar mixture is light and fluffy.
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Light and fluffy sounds so peaceful doesn’t it? Next time you’re at a peace conference say, “Light and fluffy” to the warring sides and see if the mood of the room doesn’t improve dramatically.
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Meanwhile back at the stove, use medium heat to melt the butter in a pan. Add 6 banana halves to pan. Sauté bananas on medium heat for 5 minutes or until they turn light brown on both sides. Turn bananas carefully over once with spatula to ensure even browning. Repeat for second batch of 6 banana halves.
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Evenly arrange 6 banana halves in bottom of baking dish. Spoon cream cheese/brown sugar mixture evenly over bananas. Place 6 more banana halves on top of the cream cheese. Spoon ½ pound cream cheese atop the second banana layer.
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Smooth heavy cream over the second layer of cream cheese. Sprinkle ¼ teaspoon cinnamon over heavy cream.
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Bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees or until cream-cheese sauce is bubbly and golden brown. Let cool on wire rack for 30 minutes. Put in refrigerator at least 2 hours or until it sets.
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TIDBITS
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1) Josephine Bonaparte, wife of the Emperor Napoleon, was born in Martinique in 1763 with the name of Marie Josèphe Rose Tascher de La Pagerie. This name was way too long so most people just called her “Ma.” Josephine possessed a lively sense of humor.
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2) People loved her jokes. She had them in stitches. Agents from Vau de Ville frequently came to her mansion to sign her up for large engagements but she always demurred, saying she was but a simple banana plantation monopolist.
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3) Still the island’s elite kept coming to her comedy soirées to hear her jokes. They never wanted to leave even when she got tired and wanted to retire. They’d say, “Yo, Ma, Ma, tell us another joke.”
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4) Her funnies became known as “Ma Ma jests,” then “Mama jests,” and finally by 1779 as “Yo, Mama jokes.”
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5) In 1779, Ma Pagerie married the owner of the Folies Bergère, Monsieur de Beauharnais, and moved to Paris.
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6) Nothing much of note happened in the lives of the de Beauharnaises until monsieur ended their marriage by getting guillotined in 1794. Saved the unpleasantness of a bitter divorce, Ma commenced a series of mirthful affairs with the handsome leaders of the French Revolution.
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7) In 1796 she attracted the eye of a young artillery officer named Napoleon Bonaparte. “She made me laugh,” said Napoleon before his death.
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8) Napoleon suffered from chronic depression and often stayed in bed neglecting to fight the smallest battle until Ma bucked him up with one of the world’s first chicken-crossing the road jokes. “Pourquoi le poulet a traversé la rue? Pour obtenir à l’autre côté.”
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9) Ma’s merriment gave Napoleon the energy to follow his dream. In 1799, he and two other hombres overthrew the constitutional government. In 1804, he reached the top of the government ladder when he made himself emperor.
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10) Life was good for France with Napoleon conquering one country after another. People no longer had to get visas to visit the Italian Riviera. Napoleon had made it part of France. What a guy!
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11) But things went sour in 1810. Napoleon wanted an heir for his Empire. Ma, although always able to conceive a knee-slapping joke without a moment’s notice, could not do the same with a child. So Napoleon divorced her and married Marie Louise of Austria.
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12) Marie Louise lived in a permanent humor-free zone. She never made Napoleon laugh, not once. Napoleon grew moody, his judgment became impaired. In 1812, he invaded Russia, a disaster. By 1814, his enemies camped at the French border. They offered Napoleon a peace treaty, but without Ma’s jokes to relieve the tension caused by his tactless outbursts, negotiations went downhill.
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13) Napoleon was forever defeated in 1815 and exiled to St. Helena. It would decades before vaudeville revived.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Ketchup

American Appetizer

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KETCHUP

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INGREDIENTS
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3 garlic cloves
1 small onion
2 tablespoons olive oil
3 teaspoons tomato paste
1 28 ounce-can peeled tomatoes, whole or diced
5 tablespoons brown sugar
3 tablespoons white vinegar
¼ teaspoon allspice
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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food processor or electric blender
4-cup Mason jar
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Makes 3 cups. Takes 30 minutes
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PREPARATION
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Mince garlic and onion. Add onion and olive oil to large pot or Dutch oven. Sauté for 5 minutes at medium-high heat. Stir frequently. Add garlic. Sauté for 2 minutes at medium-high heat. Stir frequently. Add tomato paste. Cook for 2 minutes at medium heat or until it turns to burnt orange.
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Add remaining ingredients. Cook at medium-high heat until it starts to boil. Stir frequently enough to prevent burning. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 40 minutes it thickens.. Stir enough to prevent burning.
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Transfer liquid from pot to food processor or electric blender. Puree liquid until it reaches your desired thickness. Let cool to room temperature. Add ketchup to Mason jar. Should keep in refrigerator for up to 1 month.
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TIDBITS
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1) According to Quite Possibly True Almanac, 2019:
The largest outdoor skating rink made from frozen ketchup is in Pois, Quebec.
Michaelangelo used ketchup instead of red pigment when painting his masterpieces.
The largest ketchup lake formed in Pumice, Kentucky when a tidal wave of hot ketchup from a bottling factory filled an abandoned strip mine.
­In 2013, NASA quietly sent out a cylinder filled with 21,200 tons of ketchup as a goodwill gesture to any civilizations existing outside our Solar System, because who doesn’t like ketchup?
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Goat Kebabs

Middle Eastern Entree

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GOAT KEBABS

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INGREDIENTS
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2 garlic cloves
1 yellow or white onion
2 green onions
1 pound ground goat
½ teaspoon cinnamon
¼ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon sumac powder
¼ teaspoon turmeric
1 tablespoon melted butter
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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fine mesh colander
6 thin metal skewers
outdoor grill
no-stick grill spray
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Serves 2. Takes 1 hour to prepare plus 4 hours to marinate.
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PREPARATION
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Mince garlic and yellow onion. Put minced garlic and yellow onion in fine-mesh colander. Press down until no juice drips through the mesh. Dice green onions. Add all ingredients except butter to mixing bowl. Mix with hands until thoroughly blended. Cover and marinate in refrigerator overnight or for at least 4 hours.
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Divide marinated goat into 6 equal portions. Form goat portions into sausage shapes around skewers. (As you do so, dip yours hand into ice water. This makes the meat easier to work with and helps keep it on the skewers.) This are your goat kebabs.
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Lightly spray grill with no-stick grill spray. Pre-heat to medium-high. Grill for 5 minutes or until they are firm enough to turn over. Turn kebabs and grill for 4 more minutes. Remove kebabs from grill and brush with butter. Goes well with rice, grilled vegetables, flatbread, and yogurt drink.
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TIDBITS
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1) Prison waiters once allowed visitors to bring Goat Kebabs. After all, who doesn’t crave this tasty dish? But soon, desperate escape attempts occurred as guests used the skewers to attack waiters. Skewer duels broke out as waiters fought back. The waiters barely prevailed.  And after the Great Kebab Riots, prisons banned Goat Kebabs. Waiters and guests were renamed guards and prisoners. Now you know.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Air Fryer Eggs

American Breakfast

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AIR FRYER FRIED EGGS

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INGREDIENTS
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2 eggs
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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air fryer
parchment paper*
2 mini-cake pans
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* = Parchment paper should fit in min-cake pans
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PREPARATION
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Preheat air fryer for 4 minutes at 360 degrees. Line  mini-cake pans with parchment paper. Add 1 egg to each mini-cake pan. Place mini-cake pans in air-fryer basket. Set temperature to 360 degrees. Set timer to 7 minutes. For over-easy eggs, set timer to 4 minutes. For more well-done eggs, set timer to 8 minutes. (Times vary between air fryers. Check eggs when they should be nearly done. Use oven mitts to remove mini-cake pan from fryer basket.)
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Eggs should come out of the min-cake pans when tipped over. If not, carefully remove the egg with a flexible spatula.
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TIDBITS
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1) Cleaning up with this recipe will be a snap compared to the alternative of frying eggs with butter in a pan. Or even, frying them au naturel. I mean by that, not using butter. I would never suggest frying anything in the nude. Particularly bacon. Oh gosh, no.
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2) As I write, the price of eggs is at an all time, maybe double the cost of a year ago.
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3) Some people think the high cost of eggs influenced the last election.
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4) There’s something to this fear. The crushing  cost of bread and the ensuing riots precipitated the French Revolution.
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5) This fear has not gone away. The French government heavily monitors and regulates bread prices.
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6) If your last name was People, wouldn’t you be sorely tempted to name your baby, Some?
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7) Then everything Some says could be repeated as, “Some People says this.”
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8) Remember when eggs were so cheap that trick-or treaters would egg peoples houses?
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Adobaba Tacos

Mexican Entree

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ADOBADA TACOS

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INGREDIENTS – MARINADE
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1 ancho chile
4 guajillo chiles
2 pounds pork shoulder
½ teaspoon cumin
2 garlic cloves
½ teaspoon Mexican oregano or oregano
½ cup orange juice
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
2½ tablespoons white vinegar
1 bay leaf
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INGREDIENTS – ASSEMBLY
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⅔ cup fresh cilantro
4 radishes
1 small onion
5 limes
2 tablespoons oil
40 4.5″-corn tortillas or 20 6″-corn tortillas
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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meat slicer (optional)
food processor
sonic obliterator
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Serves 4. Takes 4 hours 50 minutes.
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PREPARATION – MARINADE
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Remove stems and seeds from ancho chile and guajillo chiles. Add ancho chile and guajillo chiles to small mixing bowl. Cover with boiling water and let sit for 15 minutes or until chiles soften. While chiles soften, use meat slicer to cut pork shoulder into strips ¼” thick. Cut strips into mini-strips short enough to fit in the tortillas.
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Add ancho chile, guajillo chiles, cumin, garlic cloves, Mexican oregano, orange juice, pepper, salt, and white vinegar to food processor. Blend until smooth. Add this mixture, pork slices, and bay leaf  to medium mixing bowl. Turn pork slices until they are well coated. Cover and let marinate in refrigerator for at least 3 hours.
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PREPARATION – ASSEMBLY
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Dice cilantro. Use mandoline to cut radishes into slices ¼” thick. Dice onion. Cut each limes into 4 wedges. Add oil and pork mini-strips to 1st large pan. Sauté mini-strips for 5 minutes at medium heat or until mini-pork strips brown.
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Brush both sides of the tortillas using the remaining oil from 1st large pan and 2 tablespoons more. Add  coated tortillas into 2nd large pan. Try to prevent tortillas from overlapping. Sauté at medium heat for 2 minutes or tortillas soften, flipping after 1 minute. You will likely need to sauté in batches. (Or microwave tortillas in microwave for 2 minutes. I won’t tell.)
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Put 2 softened tortillas onto serving plate, one on top of the other. Place pork mini-strips on top tortillas. Garnish with cilantro, radish, and onion. Place a lime wedge to the side. Enjoy. Zap any unappreciative guest.
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TIDBITS
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1) Chefs, whether working at restaurants or at home, live a rough-and-tumble life. They know a customer can go from being perfectly calm to an angry ogre out for blood.
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2) So chefs sometimes carry weapons. The weapon of choice has always been the trusty dual purpose chef’s knife; useful for defending themselves and for cooking.
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3) However, the much awaited sonic obliterator could possibly be available in the near future. You should think about acquiring one.
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4) Then as J. M. Essington of Boot Hill found out, some chefs are partial to guns.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cuisine, history | Leave a comment

Roasted Kabocha With Tahini Sauce

Fusion Entree

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ROASTED KABOCHA WITH TAHINI SAUCE

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INGREDIENTS
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1 small kabocha squash (about 1 pound)
1 garlic clove
2½ tablespoons olive oil
½ teaspoon cumin seeds
¼ teaspoon pepper or Aleppo pepper
½ teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon lemon juice
2½ tablespoons tahini paste
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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non-stick baking pan
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Serves 2, Takes 50 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Wash squash as the skin is edible. Remove top and bottom of kabocha. Cut kabocha into 1″-thick wedges. Remove seeds and stringy bits..Mince garlic clove.
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Add kabocha wedges to large mixing bowl. Drizzle olive oil over wedges. Add cumin seeds, pepper, and salt. Toss kabocha wedges until well coated. Add coated wedges to baking pan. Roast for 15 minutes at 425 degrees. Flip wedges and roast for another 12 minutes or until kabocha wedges become tender and turn golden brown.
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While wedges roast, add minced garlic, lemon juice and tahini paste to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Spread lemon juice/tahini paste mixture over the kabocha wedges.
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TIDBITS
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1) In 2013, wealthy heiress Carla Sanderson put everything she had into Kabocha food trucks. At first, 20,000 Carla’s Kabocha trucks roamed our nation’s  streets Indeed, by 2020, only 3,000 trucks remained. Was it possible not enough people knew about roasted kaboch?
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2) By last month, the nearly bankrupt Carla had only one working truck. In extreme desperation my social-media friend turned to me for advice. “Why not,” I said, “staff your kabocha trucks with kabuki players? Kabuki players draw in crowds. Then sell your squash. Entertained people love the smell of Roasted Kabocha with Tahini Sauce. Let’s hold the trial run in Pea Ridge, Arkansas.”
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3) The people of Pea Ridge loved it. As of yesterday, 1,000 Carla’s Roasted Kabocha and Kabuki Theater now crisscross Arkansas . Expansion looms. Carla and I are now billionaires. Yay!
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Deep Fryer French Fries

American Entree

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DEEP FRYER FRENCH FRIES

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INGREDIENTS
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1¼ pound russet potato
13 cups vegetable oil*
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* = My deep fryer uses this amount. Amounts vary with each deep fryer. See instructions that come with deep fryer. Duck fat or beef tallow gives a better taste, but it should be completely melted before being put into the fryer.
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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french-fry cutter
deep fryer
4 4-cup Mason jars
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Serves 2. Takes 1 hour 20 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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If desired, remove potato skins with potato peeler. Use French-fry cutter to cut potato into strips. Place these French fries in a bowl. Cover and refrigerate for 40 minutes or until ready to fry.
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Add oil to deep fryer. It should be between the MIN and MAX level on the bowl. Set temperature to 325 degrees. While temperature rises to 325 degrees, drain water from fries. Pat fries dry with paper towels.
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Once the oil’s temperature reaches 325 degrees add French fries to frying basket. Carefully lower basket into oil. Put lid on fryer. Deep fry for 10 minutes or until fries just start to show color. Raise temperature to 360 degrees. Deep fry for another 3 minutes or until fries become crispy and turn golden brown. Drain oil. Sprinkle with salt, if desired. Serve with condiments such as ketchup, mustard, or mayonnaise. Serve hot.
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Strain and drain oil into Mason jars. Reuse the oil until it has a foamy surface,  dirty, dark appearance, or a fishy aroma.
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TIDBITS
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1) How does NASA know if teeny, tiny objects exist in apparently empty stretches of outer space? It flings billions of potato strips into the apparently voids out there. NASA ensures uniform shapes and weights of these tater strips by employing French-fry cutters. The space agency flings these spud bits into space and tracks their orbits. If the orbit wobbles, another object exists close to the erratic fry. By such means NASA hopes to find every teeny, weeny, itsy, bitsy, speck in outer space.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Emotional Cheese

American Entree

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EMOTIONAL CHEESE

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Emotional food really is a thing. Emotions foods evoke positive emotions in you. These foods bring back memories of pleasant, happy dinners with friends and family. Emotional foods also please us due to their simplicity. The world is just getting too complex. We crave simple foods
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The best emotional foods are yummy, simple, and taste like childhood.
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Cheese pizzas are tasty and provide the basis of happy. family memories
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But pizzas do not qualify, at least to me, as an emotional food. They are simple but they take an eternity to make from scratch. Motoring to a Italian restaurant, waiting for a waitress and waiting for the chef to cook your pizza is like watch paint dry. Excessive waiting births negative emotions.
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What then is quick way to make emotional food? Look at the below recipe to find out how.
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INGREDIENT
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1 block of cheese
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PREPARATION
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Cut off a slab of cheese from a block cheese. That’s it. Now you’re filled with yummy cheese and emotions. Yay.
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Serves 1. Takes 1 minute
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And now, your emotional cheese.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Collard Greens

American Appetizer

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SLOW COOKER COLLARD GREENS

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INGREDIENTS
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2 pounds collard greens
1 onion
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
1 tablespoon brown sugar
3 garlic cloves
2 ham hocks
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 teaspoon salt
5 cups water
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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2 3-quart slow cookers or 1 6-quart slow cooker
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Serves 6. Takes 6 hours 40 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Cut collard greens into 1″ squares. Dice onion. Add all ingredients to slow cookers. Arrange ingredients so that ham hocks are in the middle. Slow cook on high for 6 hours. Remove ham hock. Remove meat from ham hocks and add to pot. (Discard ham hock.) Stir or until well blended.  Goes well with fried chicken, pork chops, pulled-pork sandwiches, macaroni and cheese and corn bread.
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TIDBITS
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1) This recipe says to collard greens into 1″ squares.
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2) This can be difficult to do as collard-green leaves are not squares.
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3) And if you strive for perfection ,such cutting becomes even harder. You’d have to get out your ruler. Moreover, making completely accurate 90 degrees angle for each square would drive any chef to drink. If you’re a teetotaler, may suggest near beer, or root beer, as your choice?
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4) Now we get to the collard greens’ overwhelming laziness and lack of ambition.
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5) Sure, you could watch television with your bowl of collard greens.
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6) But they will never help you with your crossword puzzles. The only way you could play catch with a bunch of collard greens is to dig a hole, and put the collard greens in the hole. Then toss the baseball into the hole. But even then the collard greens will not toss the ball back to you. This game of catch must be quite short. They will, however, be good listeners while they remain ripe.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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