Dave Cornelius always thought that the hymn “Up From The Grave He Arose” was about gravy. It does make the hymn sound ominous.
Thanks to Dave Cornelius for sharing this misheard hymn title.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Heck no, I wont make this.
INGREDIENTS
Dried cod
Lye
Water
Other stuff
PREPARATION
No! No, a thousand times, no. I will not give you a recipe for lutefisk. You bought my cookbook. I have a warm and fuzzy feeling for you. So, look at the ingredients. Lye is a poison.
Furthermore, lutefisk assaults the senses as no other widespread dish. It looks like glue or broiled phlegm; there is some debate on this. It smells like, like, a rat dried under the furnace supplying central heating. It has the texture of boogers. It tastes like fermented cod-liver oil. Fortunately, lutefisk cannot speak.
When I was little, my mother made me eat lutefisk to show what she had to go through when she was small. My grandmother fed lutefisk to my mother to show what she had to go through when she was little girl. My grandmother’s parents left Sweden in the 1880s to get away from lutefisk.
Vikings raided Europe with unparalleled ferocity stoked by lutefisk meal after lutefisk meal in the homeland. Many thousands of them never came back.
There are more disgusting dishes than lutefisk, but they are little known and regional. Let’s pray they stay that way.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
And so do I.
You need to see #26
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
1 cup Crema Mexicana (Mexican sour cream)
¼ cup green onion
1½ tablespoons parsley
1 garlic clove
½ teaspoon Vegetable MagicTM spice
½ cup Cotija cheese
PREPARATION
Mince green onion and garlic clove. Crumble Cotija cheese. Mix all ingredients in bowl. Serve as a dip or on baked potatoes.
Wow! Wow! Wow! Two lines of instruction. It doesn’t get much easier than this or tastier.
(The following three blank lines are reserved for tic-tac-toe games.)
TIDBITS
1) According to a GoogleTM search there are no fun facts about sour cream, only interesting ones.
2) Further investigation showed the information that was supposed to be listed here to be false. So, it was deleted.
3) That is why the following tidbit now makes no sense.
4) I’m guessing a year is way more than sufficient.
5) I told you above that tidbit 4) no longer makes sense. Did you listen?
6) Russians use sour cream in cold, salted potato fish soups.
7) Yum.
8) Not.
9) It is unlikely that there will ever be a movie about sour cream as there was about FacebookTM.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Google Instructor #5
.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
MARINADE
2 chicken breasts
2 cloves garlic
1 stalk green onion
1 tablespoon soy sauce (2 more tablespoons later)
1½ tablespoons cornstarch (1 teaspoon more later)
½ teaspoon ginger
¼ teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice (¼ teaspoon more later)
2 teaspoons rice wine
1½ tablespoons water
SAUCE
1 teaspoon cornstarch
1 tablespoon malt vinegar
¼ teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice
¼ teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 tablespoon sugar
1 teaspoon sesame oil
4 red chiles
½ cup unsalted roasted peanuts
1½ tablespoons vegetable oil
2 teaspoons vegetable oil
SPECIAL UTENSIL
wok or skillet
Serves 4. Takes 50 minutes.
PREPARATION OF MARINADE
Cut chicken into 1-inch cubes. Mince garlic. Dice green onion. Mix 1½ tablespoons cornstarch, garlic, green onion, ginger, ¼ teaspoon poultry spice, rice wine, 1 tablespoon soy sauce, and water. Cover all sides of the chicken cubes with this mixture. Set aside for at least 30 minutes.
PREPARATION OF SAUCE
Combine 1 teaspoon cornstarch, malt vinegar, ¼ teaspoon poultry spice, salt, 2 tablespoons soy sauce, sugar, and sesame oil in 2nd mixing bowl. Set aside.
FINAL PREPARATION
Cut red chiles in half, remove seed, and mince (I cannot say strongly enough, WEAR GLOVES OR WASH YOUR HANDS THOROUGHLY WITH SOAP after touching the chiles and their seeds. They make your skin burn. My gosh, they cause pain. Don’t rub a throbbing temple or wipe sweat from your upper lip immediately after touching red chiles and their seeds. Your face will be on fire. And guy chefs, this is a really bad time to scratch your balls.)
Put unsalted peanuts and 1½ tablespoons vegetable oil in wok. Sauté at 350 degrees until peanuts start turning golden brown. Stir frequently. (The golden brown phase is astonishingly short. The following dark brown/black state is forever.)
Add the coated chicken cubes. Sauté at 350 degrees. Fry for 2 minutes or until chicken is done or no longer pink inside. Stir and turn cubes frequently.
Add red chiles and 2 tablespoons vegetable oil. Sauté at 350 degrees and stir until the peppers turn dark. Add soy/malt vinegar/sugar/sesame oil sauce. Cook until sauce thickens. Stir frequently.
Thank the person who washes and cleans after this meal. If you are both the cook and cleaner, sit down, have a cold root beer, and admire the halo above your head.
TIDBITS
1) If all strange dishes taste like chicken, why not have chicken?
2) Kung Pao chickens are much milder than their more peppery cousins, Kung Fu Chickens.
3) Peppers that look similar to each other can vary greatly in spiciness. So, keep that in mind when you and a bunch of friends from Madison, Wisconsin travel to St. Louis, Missouri to see two classmates get married and you all stop in a restaurant that serves free peppers.
4) Throat germs don’t like peppers either. Hah, take that!
5) Some people think that cuisine near the Equator is filled with peppery dishes because food didn’t keep well there before refrigeration. I think people in Cuba eat more peppers than the Swedes because peppers are grown in Cuba and not in Sweden.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
NASA
NASA says they’re going to look more
For things they’ve never found.
How do they know what to look for
If they’ve never found them?
When Pooh looked for heffalumps
He never found the missing grumps.
But when Columbus looked for China
He found something much more fine-a.
Recently, I lost my sets of keys.
It was indeed of a time of anguish.
But I found them, for you see
I knew what for to wish.
So NASA, look around stars
Then you’ll find what is new
When you look up in the blue
OK, live large. Find planets, too.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS – SALSA
1 mango
1 papaya
⅔ red bell pepper, diced (⅓ more later)
⅔ red onion (⅓ more later)
2 tablespoons fresh cilantro
2 tablespoons lime juice
INGREDIENTS – BURGER
1 pound ground beef
½ cup bread crumbs
⅓ red onion, diced
⅓ cup sweet-and-sour sauce
⅓ red bell pepper
1 tablespoon Jamaican jerk seasoning
1 egg white
12 lettuce leaves
2 tomatoes
12 mini-hamburger rolls
SPECIAL UTENSIL
electric skillet
GENERAL PREPARATION
Peel, remove seeds, and dice mango. Peel, core, and dice papaya. Remove stem, seeds, and whitish innards from red bell pepper. Dice red onion. Chop cilantro. Cut tomatoes into 12 slices. Crack open egg. Keep egg white.
(You’re on your own with the egg yolk. You could serve it to someone special for breakfast and say, “Dearest, this is all I could afford for breakfast. The money I would have spent on an entire egg is going toward a Caribbean cruise.”)
PREPARATION – SALSA
Put diced mango, diced papaya, ⅔ of the diced bell pepper, ⅔ of the diced red onion, cilantro and lime juice in mixing bowl. Mix vigorously with fork. This is tasty by itself.
PREPARATION – BURGER
Combine in mixing bowl: ground beef, breadcrumbs, sweet-and-sour sauce, (Avoid bootlegged “sweat-and-sour sauce.”), ⅓ of the diced bell pepper, ⅓ of the diced red onion, Jamaican jerk seasoning, and egg white. Mix with hands. (Wash hands before serving or approaching large dog.)
Make 12 patties to be about the size of your mini-burger rolls. Put patties in electric skillet and heat at 350 degrees. Cook for about 7 minutes on each side or until thoroughly cooked. Be sure to flip them over gently with a spatula. They can crumble.
(You might not be able to resist tasting a patty. But don’t let anyone see you. Because when you say, “It was going to kill you. And the only way to stop a murderous Jamaican slider patty is to eat it,” they will surely scoff.)
ASSEMBLING
Put a lettuce leaf, tomato slice, and a patty on the bottom bun and place 2-to-3 tablespoons, about 1/12 of the salsa on the top bun. Put it all together.
Enjoy! But respect this burger. You’ll taste the spices after the second bite. Serve with a nice, cooling drink.
TIDBITS
1) Some Jamaicans believe an evil spirit known as “Rolling Calf” haunts people at night. They look like cows, have eyes of fire, and are the reincarnated spirits of butchers.
2) So, it’s probably better to be a data-entry person in Jamaica. You’ll stay put in the afterlife.
3) Tofu cooks are also safe. There have been no recorded instances of tofu haunting anywhere in the world.
4) Jamaica has more Olympic medals than Portugal, Taiwan, Saudi Arabia, Iceland, and Kuwait combined.
5) So does the United States.
6) The Vatican City and Monaco have done poorly in these competitions.
7) In fact, I can’t even think of one internationally known pole vaulter from the Vatican.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
I practiced baseball
with my son yesterday,
I hit a ball so high
that it never came down.
Oh dear, I think
I’ve destroyed the
time-space continuum.
We may have only one day
left of existence.
On the plus side,
you won’t need to worry
about your overdue
library books.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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