How many times has this happened to you? You’ve spent a week’s pay taking the one who makes your skip to the oh so elegant Mille Oiseaux. You yearn to impress, but you ruin the candlelight dinner by knocking over a candle. The flame from the candle sets the tablecloth on fire. Soon you and your date have progressed to a tablelit dinner. The ravenous flame spreads to the rest of the patio. Fire leaps to hairdos kept in place with cans of hairspray. Whoosh! Panic panic. Flame-bearing people cram the exits.
Firemen charge into the patio. They unleash tsunamis of water over the widespread flames. Just to be safe, the burly firemen blanket diners and tables with foam. Your sweetheart, you, and everyone else now look like the Michelin Man. Dresses are ruined. Tuxes are ruined. Things could not possibly get any worse.
Well no. The police, guardians of the law, arrest you and your date and haul you away in separate squad cars. As the door shuts on your date, you hear the shriek, “I hate you. I hate you to death. You fecking piece of shite.” You sense the moment to impress has gone.
As you can see, dating can be stressful.
You try speed dating. That’s stressful too. You have only five minutes to charm. But the bean burrito you wolfed down at lunch comes back to haunt you. You let rip a particulary stinky and sonorus fart. The fart gasses greet the lit candles. Whoosh! Where moments ago there had only been life sustaining air, there is now an immense fart fireball. The fireball spreads everywhere. You grab your date by the hand and say, “Come this way. We need to leave before the police come to arrest us.” Strange to say, you do not awe your date with your expertise and solicitude. In fact, you never go out again.
As you can see, all forms of dating can be stressful.
But wait, there is one form of dating that’s sweeping the nation, trending even. In this lucky event, the partners meet each other in a pool. There’s no fancy clothes to prepare. There’s no candles to burn down everyone. Just dog paddling, gazing into each other’s eyes, and falling in love.
If only there were a word to describe dating in a pool And now there is:
TODAY’S AWESOME WORD
Liquidating
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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