Secrets of the Universe

Every Year Has a January 2 in It

Things change all the time. Relationships change. Politics change Food prices change. Computers change. Change change; the back of our quarters vary with each passing year. Synonyms mutate.  And even years change! Leap years have a February 29 in them. Other years don’t. Or so we thought! Isn’t nearly every 100th year bereft of a February 29?

Is life just a whirlwind? Is nothing constant? Surely, there must be some unyielding constant in our lives, something that makes us shout, “Yes, yes, we can tether our emotions and sanity to this touchstone.”

Fortunately, there is such a rock.

Every year possesses a January 2. Every. Single. Year.

You can check your old calendars. I show a past January calendar as proof.

You can now hold on to your sanity.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: danger, explanations, lifestyle, Secrets of the Universe | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Things Went Wrong

Commander Jones turned whiter than a blank whited out blank white paper during a blizzard. His hand shook more than What’s Her Face’s twerking butt*. “We have no tacos and the moon base is celebrating Taco 2045.” His self-frying brain cells made him open the door to a universe emptier that an amoeba’s brain and the Seattle Mariners pennant wall. He stepped out.
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The pressure inside his body overwhelmed outer space’s like Mahomes going deep against the New York Giants during a two-minute drill. Two things wrong. Oops! Naturally the exploded commander didn’t give a toss about closing the spacehip’s door. Everything inside the spaceship shot out the door; food, medicine, Parcheesi boards, everything. They all stampeded out the spacecraft like fifth-graders hearing the class-dismissed bell at the end of the day. That’s three things that went wrong. My bad.
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* = Ignorance of her name kinda lessens the impact of this scintillating writing. Oops, four things wrong.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Flat Earth Tours – The Other Side

For those who’ve always yearned to know what’s around the next bend.

 

 

 

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P.S. We just fired our editor for misspelling Earhart’s last name.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
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My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: proof you cannot deny, Secrets of the Universe, things to see and do | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Existential Threat That is Mathematics

Mathematics starts easier, gets evers harder, and turns deadly at the end. (You can skip the middle parts, but it’s worth a rapid scan to see the general trend)

 

SIMPLE ARITHMETIC

2 + 2 = 4

Still alive

 

 

 

 

 

 

DIFFICULT ARITHMETIC

3,513, 692 / 1372 = 2,561

EASY ALGEBRA (We transition from just numbers to numbers and letters from the alphabet)

a * (b+c) = a * b + a*c.   Example, 3*(4+5) = 3*4 +3*5 = 12 +15 = 27

 

(YOU MAY WISH TO SKIP TO THE HEADING “DEATH OR EXISTENTIAL MATHEMATICS”)

 

DIFFICULT ALGEBRA (This might be mind numbing)

ax^2 + bx + c = d, where x^2 means x is squared

Example: x^2 + 5x +6 = 0

by the quadratic equation: x = -b +/- (b^2 – 4ac)^2 / 2a

so x = (- 5 +/-(5^2 – 4*1*6)^.5 ) / 2*1 = -(5 =/- (25-4*1*6)^.5) / (2*1 = -5 +- (25-24)^.5) / 2 =( -5 +/- (1)^.5) )/ 2

=( -5 +/-(1)^2) / 2  = (-5 +/- 1) / 2 = (-5+1)/2 AND (-5-1)/ 2 OR X = -2 and X = – 3

EASY CALCULUS (We transition from just numbers and letters from the alphabet by adding letters from the Greek alphabet)

∂(3x^2 + 4x + c) = 2*3*x + 4 + 0 = 6x+ 4

DIFFICULT CALCULUS (Years ago, I could do the following, but no longer.)

A second-order differential equation is linear if it can be written in the form

a2(x)y”+a)1(x)y’+a0(x)y=r(x),(17.1.1)
where a2(x),a1(x),a0(x),
and r(x)
are real-valued functions and a2(x)
is not identically zero. If r(x)=0
—in other words, if r(x)=0
for every value of x
—the equation is said to be a homogeneous linear equation. If r(x)?0
for some value of x,
the equation is said to be a nonhomogeneous linear equation.

Not easy peasy.

“DEATH OR EXISTENTIAL MATHEMATICS”

If quest for ever more challenging mathemetics leads to this level of difficulty,

YOU WILL DIE

Some 200 bright young mind have tried to comprehend the next level of math. Their brains all literally exploded.

A Carl La Fong, Ph.D., University of Wisconsin, 1986, suspected this next level involved adding Hindi letters, but he went permanently insane before pursuing his research for any length.

Let this be a cautionary tale for you all.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: danger, Deep Thinker, explanations, Secrets of the Universe | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Weight Loss Through Anti-Fat Matter

welcomes scientific advancement

The universe is composed of matter and  anti-matter. When anti-matter contacts matter, matter disappears.

It stands to reason that our universe (Three cheers for it, hurray, hurray, hurray) is also made up of fat matter and anti-fat matter. Then when anti-fat matter collides with fat matter, fat disappears. All we need to do is find anti-fat matter. I applaud this search.

Such instantaneous disappearance of fat would be much preferable to dreary, difficult diets.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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I Attempt Time Travel

It is now 6:35 pm, August 21, 2024

I hope to use my time machine to publish this post of July 19, 2024

Wish me luck.

Think of all those milk bottles and produce that went bad. Simply go back in time and consume them then.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

 

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Goofy Man Corrects the Big Bang Theory

There’s been a rather startling scientific breakthrough by an unheralded scientific mind. Have a look.

 

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: goofy man, science, Secrets of the Universe | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sure Fire Hack to a Flatter Stomach

Face it, society puts a lot of pressure on us to look thin. Many of us are overweight, including me. How do we get thinner? By exercising and dieting.

But those options are hard, take a lot of time to see results, and frankly, not fun at all. If only there were a way to become thinner without any effort at all.

Now, there is such a way.

We only have to face the correct way from the moon and our stomachs will flatten.

IT’S THAT EASY!!!!!!!!

You may skip the following scientific explanation if you’re absolutely gung ho to go outside* and flatten your stomach

* * = You don’t even have to do this to thin your stomach. The moon’s gravitational field works everywhere you go. IT’S AMAZING!!

Anyway, the moon’s gravitational pull produces a tidal force. This force makes Earth’s oceans bulge out on the sides closest  and farthest to the moon. These ocean bulges are high tides. (You learn something every day.) Basically, the moon makes the Earth get fatter.

Science

So, how does this help our big bellies?

Face away FROM the moon* at night

AND

Face in the SAME direction as the moon in the day time.

IT’S THAT SIMPLE!!!!!!!!!!

Do this all the time and people will be throwing themselves at your magnificent body, you Greek god/goddess you.

* = Admittedly, the moon is often easier to see at night.

And look!!! The man on the left is facing the incorrect way.  The SAME man on the right, however, is facing the correct way.

 

See?

PROOF YOU CANNOT DENY!!!!!

WATCH THE MOON AND GET THIN!!!!!!!

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: proof you cannot deny, science, Secrets of the Universe | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Newton’s Four Laws of Motion

Space rat

All of us who stayed awake in high-school learned about Newton’s Four Laws of Motion. They are:

1) A body at rest remains at rest, or if in motion stays in motion at a constant speed in a straight line, unless acted upon by a force or Forest Gump.

2) When a body–or thing, it could be a beach ball or an intergalactic rat–is acted upon by a force, the rate of change of its momentum equals the force. Teachers lost many of students to sleep with this law, unless of course the young learners daydreamed about space rats fighting each other with lasers.

3) If two space rats exert forces on each other, these rats have the same magnitude but opposite directions.

4) A can of soda in a extreme state of agitation–from being thrown and kicked down the hall–will spray fizz all over when opened, unless the soda drinker tapped the can multiple times before opening it.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: observations, science, Secrets of the Universe | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Your DNA

Billions of years* ago the first viruses appeared on Earth. (The very first one called herself, “Frieda.”) Hundreds of millions of years* ago, the first critters made their way on to land to dry off. 3.2 million years back, Lucy of Olduvai Gorge celebrated the very first sweet sixteen party for young girls. Sure, we’ve all evolved considerably since, but what has remained constant all that time? What does your DNA have in common with that of Frieda the Virus?

Just two things. They’re shown below.

* = Within two weeks, precision has its limits.

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Secrets of the Universe | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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