I spent one hour trying to get through to one’s company’s customer service. I failed. Final score, Customer Service = 1, Me = 0. This is, by no means, an isolated event. So, I am updating the list of modern times’ biggest lies.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
All it did was work all the time
Well they are. Somehow, a while back, they achieved consciousness and developed an instant and ferocious hatred of us.
Today’s onslaught of printer malevolence: Taking one hour to print one page.
Time to bring back the 1941 Royal typewriter.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Although known as the serenest of men, my patience is not infinite. The enemy: the indoor fly. Indeed,
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
dummy World War II tank
We’ve also suffered from road construction, sidewalk repairs, etc. that turn major mult-lane roads into one lane with barely moving cars. You know in your hearts that these road-repair companies (RRCs) could complete their jobs in a month. But they don’t. They let the job linger for a year or more.
Why do they do this? They’re petrified of having no job or projects. So they bid on and win several projects. They haven’t the manpower to finish all the projects at once. So they move their few crews from one site to another. This means that most projects will not have crews working on them. But it looks bad, if the RRC doesn’t even pretend to work on a site.
What do they do then? They park backhoes, steamrollers, and other big truck at the unattended road repairs. And they leave there and they leave them there and they leave them there. Doesn’t it cost the RRC a lot of money to buy enough big trucks to leave at seventeen unworked sites?
Yes, it does! This is where my brilliant ideas comes in. The RRC contacts a firm that makes bouncy castles and asks them to fabricate inflatable construction vehicles. (The allies built dummy tanks during World War II to fool the Germans.) Similarly, the RRC then leaves their dummy construction trucks at their unworked sites. An inflatable steamroller would cost ever so much less than a real one and it looks real to the bored drivers crawling past them for fourteenth month. The RRC will save a fortune.
This idea is easy, even if getting the RRC to finish a job is not.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Was robbed
Rage, rage against the demotion of Pluto from full planetary status to dwarf-planet. Augh! May the demented astronomers who stabbed you in the back have lutefisk to eat for every meal.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Inside a bell pepper, no one can hear it scream. Maybe bell peppers’ scream can’t be heard because they’re mimes. Miming bell peppers would explain a lot.
Bill bel Pepper went quietly into the night, but not easily as the photo below attests. On the other hand, Mr. bel Pepper had it coming as he’d giving me the silent treatment all afternoon. His fate was as an ingredient in Peanut Soup from Cameroon. This soup turned out rather well, so some good came out of him being minced into little bits.
And now, Bill bel Pepper.
The end of Bill bel Pepper
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
We’ve all heard of the nine circles of Hell in Dante’s masterwork, The Inferno. But many of haven’t read it, but want to know what it said without really reading it. I am here to help you. The following is a brief summary of Abalone’s nine levels:
First Circle: Limbo
The first circle is home of virtuous chefs and bloggers who were never baptized. All in all, a decent place.
Second Circle: Lust
Reserved for the lustful and adulterous. Dante makes it sound like these are bad things.
Third Circle: Gluttony
If you can’t get a reservation for the second circle, go for this one.
Fourth Circle: Greed
This level of Hell is reserved for the shrinkflaters; those evil souls who raise the cost of living by shrinking the size of their products
Fifth Circle: Aisle Blockers
Dante tells us that people who block supermarket aisles by leaving their shopping cart on one side of the aisle and then stand on the other will suffer horrific torments indeed.
Sixth Circle: Spammers
We all know how horrible these people are. May they suffer longer all-consuming afflictions that last longer than the time we spent deleting their crap, if that is possible.
Seventh Circle: Violence
You ought not to have done that. Mama was right.
Eighth Circle: People who produce, distribute, or sell printers.
Their punishment is to use their printers.
Ninth Circle: Treachery.
Baseball and football owners who persuade a city to tax itself into a stupor, then up and leave for an even more gullible metropolis.
Bottom of Pit: Satan. Boo! Hiss!
Now you know. Walk with pride.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Simply squeeze
Sometimes humanity does great things such as landing a man on the moon, building the Panama Canal, or making laptops. These projects helped us all immensely and caused us to swell with pride.
Then there’s squeezable peanut butter. I mean, how hard is it to scoop peanut butter and spread it on a slice of bread? The simple amoeba could almost do it. All we’d have to do is make a knife small enough for it to grasp.
As of press time, aircraft carriers, necessary for our national defense, still cost a pretty penny. So, we don’t build many of them. Machines vital to the success of surgeries remain in short supply.
Why?
Because we’re devoting much of our brain power and funds to making spreadable peanut butter. So, nations will compete for scarcer and scarcer non-PB resources. Tensions will rise. Armies will mobilize.
Run for the hills, the Peanut Butter Armageddon is coming.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Punxatawny Phil, Mr. Armageddon
We all know that when the gopher Punxatawny Phil comes outside our temperatures hang in the balance. If he sees his shadow we get six more weeks of winter. If not, we get spring right away. Up to now, Phil has alternated fairly well between producing spring and extending winter.
It’s all fine if this alternating continues. However, if Phil, for any reason, sees his shadow each and every February, then we’ll have long winter after long winter. Our Earth will plunge into a new ice age. Crops will fail. People will freeze. Economies will fracture. Countries will compete for scarcer and scarcer resoures. Wars will break out around the globe. Losing nations will launch nuclear weapons, if they have them. Between scarce resources, the ravages of conventional and nuclear warfare, and nuclear winter, we’ll all die.
Well, that’s a bummer.
The future stays almost as bleak if the bloody minded Phil never sees his shadow. We’ll have long-and-scorching summer after long-and-scorching summer. Our Earth will become a permanent furnace. Crops will fail. People will die of heat stroke. Economies will fracture. Countries will compete for scarcer and scarcer resoures. Wars will break out around the globe. Losing nations will launch nuclear weapons, if they have them. Between scarce resources, the ravages of conventional and nuclear warfare, and nuclear winter, we’ll all die. But maybe not all of us. If we’re lucky, the nuclear winter will bring the oven-hot temperatures back to normal. Still, we’d have to deal will slow starvation and bone-melting levels of radiation. Over all, this is still a bad scenario.
So what’s to keep a cantankerous Puxnatic Phil from unleashing climatic armaggedon?
Hostages.
We have to take Phil’s family hostages. Everytime forecasts the same way three times in row, shadow or no shadow, we off one of his family. Every similar forecast after that brings about another gopher-family execution. Harsh, I know, but eight billion people will die in Punxatawny Phil’s Mass Extinction.
We also need to worry about Phil going blind. Will he take his blindness as a never-ending gigantic shadow? Or maybe he won’t see, see what I did there, any shadow in the omnipresent blackness.
Either way, as we established above, the consequences will be armageddon.
We have to give Phil annual eye exams.
We have to take Punxatawny Phil’s existential threat seriously.
Have a nice day.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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