Vera wants to thank the world’s fumbled-fingered people
Vera the Virus #8, 01/03/2025
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
I hate viruses and bacteria. They gave me Covid. This is in clear contravention of the tacit treaty that I don’t attack them and they don’t attack me.
Yet here we are, I’ve been as a sick as a dog and am taking forever to get better.
The gloves are off. I shall be using my brain to get back at them.
I shall shrink billions and billions of copies of War and Peace to molecular size. I shall put these tiny books into pills, just like we do with antibiotics.
Covid19s are voracious readers, they’ve just never given the chance to ready anything. (Clearly, this is a great, untapped market for the major publishing houses.)
Anyway, I call tell you that War and Peace is tremendously hard to plow all the way through,
Imagine then, how hard it would be and how long it take for the Corona19 virus to read that lengthy novel. Prima facie evidence suggests our brain is much bigger than that of the evil virus. Take this simple test: Look in a mirror. You can see your head at first glance. Assume your brain is surrounded by an inch of skull. Logic then dictates your brain must be inches long in all directions. Consider the virus. You can’t see it with the unaided eye. You can’t even see it with that Mr. Professor microscope you gave your five-year old for Christmas. No, you need a super-duper microscope used by the biggest-research facilities.
So, the virus must be incredibly tiny. Only part of the virus is reserved for its brain. Then take away the virus’ skull from that and you’re left with a really itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny virus brain. A brain that small must make reading War and Peace a frightfully slow slog for Joe Virus.
Now here’s the genius of my plan. No virus, or bacterium for that matter, is going to live long enough to finish War and Peace. Indeed, it will be so busy trying to read the great Russian novel, that it won’t find anybody to infect in its short lifetime. Infections will drop to zero. Viruses already in a human host will be too engrossed to further attack any more human cells. The human host will stage a rapid recovery.
Thus, by this literary assault, Covid19 will disappear overnight. We just need to print and miniaturize billions, if not trillions of copies of War and Peace. They need not be first editions, any printing will do.
I see a Nobel Prize in my future.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
There are so many tiny things in the world! How are we expected to know what they’re called? And single-cell organisms, why they’re are billion types of them. We can’t possible know and remember their names. And why should we care? Because biology professors test our knowledge of them. Because the CDC puts out bulletins about how to avoid some deadly virus, bacteria, whatever, but we can’t remember what the CDC called what. Then newscasters terrify us with the latest terrifying microscopic thing. The newscasters won’t remember the name either, but they will have scared the bejeebus out of us, just the same.
We need a name to describe little thingamabobs. And now we have.
TODAY’S AWESOME WORD
BIOBE
Awesome entry #38
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Poor Vera is not feeling well.
Vera the Virus #7, 4/11/2024
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
The first seven wonders were the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World*. They were called they were: seven of them, were wonders, and were around during the times of the ancient world. Presumably there were wonders around hundreds of millions of years ago. The world back then teemed with nothing more than the odd virus colony. Unfortunately, the ancient virus never left any written record. And if they did, eons of years have eroded the evidence.
Sure, there have various seven wonders of the modern world, but lack style. It’s high time we have had our own list. And so, I bring you Paul’s Seven Wonders of the Modern World.
Today, I bring you my first new wonder:
* = The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World were: Great Pyramid of Giza, the Colossus of Rhodes, the Lighthouse of Alexandria, the Mausoleum of Halicarnassus, the Temple of Artemis, the Statue of Zeus at Olympia, and the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Vera the Virus voices a common complaint.
Vera the Virus #6, 1/30/2024
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Vera unveils the specifics of her health plan.
Vera the Virus #5, 12/29/2023
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Vera the Virus is tired of being poor.
Vera the Virus #4, 12/28/2023
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Vera the Virus #4, 12/18/2023
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Vera the Virus #3 12/12/2023
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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