Posts Tagged With: trampoline

The Excitement on My Office Desk

As you can see, I have a rather exciting desk.

The position of pride is a Christmas card of my brother and I when he was 5 and I was 3. I was in nursery school and was just delighted with it.

Directly in back of the Christmas card is the dictionary my mother was given when she was 13.

In front of the dictionary is  my trusty keyboard.

To the left of the dictionary, and out of the picture, is Satan’s favorite spawn, the printer.

To the right of the dictionary, and out of the picture, is my resolute computer.

The exciting bits are on top of the dictionary. They are:

My dancing Jesus. It jiggles whenever something bumps the desk.

A music-box squirrel. It plays “If I Could Talk to the Animals.” The squirrel reminds me of the deeds and sacrifices of Paul’s Flying Squirrel Squadron.

An octopus on a trampoline. It likes to keep fit.

An exacto knife. I’ll use to defend myself in the, hopefully unlikely, event of terrorists bursting to my office.

A small flashlight. There are no batteries in it. The flashlight mainly functions as a conversation pieces.

An orange frog. It’s the muscle of the bunch and keeps the other critters in line.

A brown mastodon and a white mastodon. The mastodon is my spirit animal.

An orange soccer player. He’s going to head the ball in to the goal.

A porcupine.

A dachsund.

A monkey.

A blue baby dinosaur. Finally, proof that blue dinosaurs existed.

An orange cat. It’s huge. It’s head alone is as big as a dinosaur.

To the right of the dictionary is a huge, silver monkey. He is Sergeant Padraig O’Toole. He’s with the military police of Paul’s Flying Squirrel Squadron. No squadron squirrels misbehaves when he’s around. The good sergeant is also a nutcracker, so you can imagine the fear he inspires.

To the far right of the picture is my organizer, full of: magnifying glasses, magic markers, pencils, pencils, memory stcks, and other things.

So much excitement in front of me. What is there is the outside world to rival elegant joy of my desk?

 

 

Categories: about me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

What I Did Today

My time on Mars was necessarily brief

1) Woke up. The streak continues. Go me!

2) Showered, Cleanliness is next to godliness.

3) Renewed CD.

4) Briefly contemplated the infinite.

5) Went to monthly massage therapy. She spent much more time on my head and neck than usual because I walked into a window at last week’s craft class.

5b) If you’re wondering does walking into a window hurt, the answer is yes.

6) Ate lunch.

7) Went to the library for this week’s crafts session. Made progress on my latch-hook project.

8) Did not walk into a window at any time.

9) Help with friend’s CD question.

10) Used extra-springy trampoline to bounce my way to Mars.

11) Had to return to Earth right away as I can only hold my breath so long.

12) Fortunately, NASA had left a trampoline on Mars during its last mission there.

13) Bounced my way back to Earth. Boy, did I take a big gulp of air!

14) Ordered some place markers for the Great Latch Hook Project.

15) Made quesadillas for the natives.

Behave yourselves.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: what I did | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

How I Will Save The World From Bigass Comets And War

Trampoline

If you’re like me, the thought of three-mile-wide comet striking the Earth terrifies you. I mean the last time we got hit by one, woowee, things were bad! We’re talking mass extinction with exclamation points everywhere!!!! And if you’re thinking I’m making all this up, go ask a dinosaur how things went down. Couldn’t find a dinosaur, could you? See? I was right.

Oh sure, there are some good things that would come with the obliteration of humanity. Some that occur to me: are eating English toffee ice cream and not caring a bit about the calories, no waiting in line at the DMV, no more filing of estimated taxes, never ever hearing again the theme song to Barney the Dinosaur, no more election ads, AND no more spring cleaning.

But no matter how much you try to put a happy face on this, mass extinctions are a bummer. You’ll miss things like: hot-and-heavy sex, breathing, shredded beef tacos in a crispy shell, root beer, and crossword puzzles*

So overall, I think it’s best if we deal with the incoming comets that everyone talks about. Here is my plan. It is devastating in its utter simplicity.

Have the comets bounce back into space off a three-mile wide trampoline.  Tada! The world is saved.

Of course, we’ll need helicopters to fly the trampoline to wherever it will be needed, but that should be easy to arrange. And in the meantime, it’ll  be a fantastic release for millions of energetic kids the world over who love to bounce, bounce, bounce. Face it, most people start wars because they’ve spent too much time with shrieking, whining, bored kids and just plain flipped out.

So, there you go, I’m saving the world at least two times. You’re welcome. I expect to Nobel Prize any moment now.

* = If you can find someone who lets you do crossword puzzles during hot and heavy sex, propose marriage immediately.

– Paul R. De Lancey, Ph.D. and future Nobel Prize winner

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.