Posts Tagged With: I simplify

I Simplify Theme Parks

Posted on October 31, 2021 by pauldelancey

 

Orange World, what fun!

People, especially kids, love theme parks. However, dissension often splits apart the happy family. Everyone wants to go to a particular ride or attraction. The bickering never ends. When an agreement is finally reached, you and the surly siblings enter into a seemingly infinite line.

So if the lengthy lines mean you’re never really going to get on a ride, why not go to Orange World instead? The genius of Orange World comes from the fact that its one line does not merely appear to be infinite, it is infinite! And with one line, there will be no discussions about which one to join. And how is this one line infinite? It’s a circle! Like the second hand on a clock, you shuffle endlessly forward around the circle.

Sure, you won’t get on a ride at Orange World, but you weren’t getting on a ride at the major theme parks anyway. And at one-third the price of a major theme park, you can’t afford to not venture into Orange World.

Why is it called Orange World? In the middle of the circular line sits a giant orange. It’s soothing to look at an oversize orange. And don’t we all need more serenity in our lives? I know I do. Go to Orange World and find the inner peace you’ve been craving. Take your family to Orange World. Take them today.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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I Simplify Mazes

Posted on October 3, 2021 by pauldelancey

Mazes can be lots of fun. They engage the mind. Solving them can be necessary and even existential as in the case of Theseus. Theseus had promised to kill Minotaur, the half-man/half-bull beast who lurked in a huge maze. He does that.  But he had to get out again. If he couldn’t do so, he’d die of starvation. Bummer. So how did he manage to leave? He cheated. Theseus unraveled a ball of string as he went along. Then he wound up the string as he went back.

Fortunately, maze solving is no longer a matter of life and death. But they can take a while. You can get so engrossed in a single maze that you lose track of time. In fact, you even missed your court appearance. Your testimony was crucial to the prosecution. But because you didn’t show the judge was forced to acquit the defendant. Because of you, a serial killer once again stalks the street of your fair city.

It doesn’t, however, have to end like that. Simply, solve the above quick but snappy maze an hour before appearing in court. The law will appreciate you. So will your fellow citizens.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

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I Simplify the Federal Income Tax Form

Posted on August 15, 2021 by pauldelancey

I hate paying taxes. Everybody does. I do, however, realize we need taxes to pay for many necessary things such as the military and infrastructure. No, what really gets my goat is that frigging complicated tax form. With all the schedules that go along with the main page, a taxpayer could easily fill out over 30 pages. You’ll need to hire a tax preparer. That’ll run you hundreds of dollars. And that’s after spending three days assembling all the information. What makes it even more horrible is that the IRS scans all the returns looking for mistakes.

Looking for mistakes. Let that sink in. That means they already have the numbers you need to type in on the forms. And they will tell you when they think–no, when they now–you are wrong. What can be done to fix all this madness and frustration?

I’m glad you asked. Let the IRS do your taxes for you, They know what they want on your forms, schedules, and attachments anyway. I hereby propose a new and quite simple form to replace all the tree-devouring pages you used to submit.

It’s called the 1040-P. (P stands for Paul, me. I created this glorious, time saving, liberating page. I deserve some recognition.)

Anyway, I give you the 1040-P

 

I see a Nobel prize in my future.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

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I Simplify Checkers

Posted on August 9, 2021 by pauldelancey

Has this happened to you? You’re playing the part of Jean Valjean for the Broadway premier of Les Miserables. Curtain goes up in about a hour. You’re a bit nervous. Who wouldn’t be? So you ask the actor for Javert to play a board game with you. He agrees. He’s nervous as well. The two of you vote against chess. It’d take way too long. So you play checkers. You become engrossed in the game. Neither of you hears the five-minutes call. The producer, frantic with worry, gives your roles to your understudy. Neither of you will ever act again. What could have been done?

Play Paul’s Simplified Checkers. It’s played on a three-by-three board. Each side get two checkers. Now let’s look at a truly exciting game.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The start of the game.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

End of first move. Red player has moved  from           End of second move. Black player has jumped
A1 to A2.                                                                       Red’s checker, C3 to A1 and was kinged.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

End of third move. Red Player has moved from          End of fourth move. Black played has jumped
from A3 to B2.                                                              Red’s, A1 to C3. Black player wins.

My goodness that was exciting. And it was quick. You needn’t ever again lose a Broadway acting job because you checker’s game took too long. In fact, all games will last exactly four moves. What more do you want?

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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I Simplify Solitaire

Posted on July 13, 2021 by pauldelancey

How many times has this happened to you? You’ve spent the Christmas bonus on a week-long vacation on the sun-lit beaches of Hawaii. You’re up earlier than your spouse, rather earlier as you’re just so excited to splash in the warm ocean water. But it’ll be two hours before he wakes up. What to do? You decide to play solitaire to pass the time. Only the game takes so freaking, but find you can’t  ever leave anything unfinished.

He arises and cajoles you to take to the beach. Enthralled in your game; you do not. He pleads again. You do not hear him. He says he is heading to beach and asks you to join him later. You favor him with a perfunctory wave. He leaves.

Finally, the game is over. You look at your watch. Oh my gosh, is that the time? Oh my gosh, is that the day? Horrors, you have played the entire vacation away. Your plane leaves in hour. You shout for your husband. He does not respond. There is a note on the table. He found a beautiful mango heiress while you were playing solitaire. He’s going to spend the rest of his life with her on the French Riviera.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Now we all know the object of Solitaire is place the right cards on an ace. This, as we have seen above, can take a lot of time. My brilliant idea is to shrink the 52-card deck down to one, the ace of spades. As you soon as you play this card, the game is done. You can get one with your life. You and your wedded love remain inseparable. Life is good.

I show to the right a simulated game of Ace of Spades Solitaire. You’ve won!

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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