Posts Tagged With: Christmas

Relentless Logic

burger

 

My wife pointed to a dish with cheeseburger remnants.

“What’s this?” she asked.

“Cheeseburger,” I said.

“Why did you eat that when you knew we were going out for lunch?”

I riposted, “I wasn’t thinking.”

“How come you weren’t thinking?”

“I wasn’t thinking.”

“You should have been thinking you weren’t thinking so you could have been thinking,” she said.

“”I,” said I, “couldn’t have thinking I wasn’t thinking so I could have been thinking because I wasn’t thinking to think I could have been thinking I should have been thinking I wasn’t thinking.”

“Okay,” she said.

“Okay,” I said.

I wonder what sort of conversations did Mr. and Mrs. Rene Descartes have. Oh, for the record I only ate a half a cheeseburger as I had begun to think.

“I think I should be thinking about this cheeseburger, therefore I am.”
– Rene Descartes in his first attempt at proving his existence

– Paul R. De Lancey – culinary thinker

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Bad Artist #18, Thanksgiving Preparation

BadArtist18THANKSGIVING HAIKU #1

Defrost, damn turkey!

The guests will be arriving

In only one hour.

 

THANKSGIVING HAIKU #2

Feck! No potatoes!

Dear, will you go to the store?

What again? You dope.

 

THANKSGIVING HAIKU #3

Crudness, I forgot

To make the mashed potatoes

Will the guests notice?

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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The Horrible Cost of Communism

Much has been made of the communist nations horrific repression of their own peoples. Ne’er do wells such as Stalin and Mao come to mind. However, there is another evil side to communism that the mainstream media is afraid to report, the lack of golfing opportunities. Why just in our own hemisphere,  we have Cuba with its two golf courses. Two. That sun-swept land would have had hundreds of golf courses if  the country had only been a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, a telemarketer junta. Anything.

I blame communism completely for this lamentable lack of golf courses. Year after year, Cuba embarrasses itself with its non-existent production of world class golfers.

The United States, a democracy, is fertile ground for golfers. So are the countries of western Europe. Not many top golfers come from eastern Europe. However, eastern Europe is still coming out from the effects of Soviet communism. Producing golfers will take time.

I watched a South Korean golfer on T.V.–what’s his name?–win a major tournament. South Korea is a democracy. Sure, it was a dictatorship for decades before that. The point remains, though, South Korea was never communist and so is a credible global golfing power.

Sure, Thailand gets hit with tsunamis and suffers periodic military coups and frequent prolonged bouts with  widespread civil unrest. However, this country too was never communist. Indeed, at least for a while, it mandated that all officers in its military become proficient in golfing.

So, if you value your golfing freedom, and I hope you do, in which country would you prefer to live and golf, South Korea or Cuba?

Fortunately, a new day dawns. A few years ago, Cuba announced it would let foreign investors take 99-year leases on Cuban lands. Right away, at least one foreign company  announced plans to build up to 10, or was it 100 golf courses; I forget which. But either way, Cuba will be free to golf. The world has gotten brighter. Bluebirds sing.

But the horror of communism continues elsewhere, witness the hair style of North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un. Be afraid, very afraid.

– Paul R. De Lancey – political commentator

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Bad Artist #17, Appreciation

BadArtist17CARBON HAIKU #1

Carbon, oh carbon!

Though you’re the eight element

I like you the best.

 

CARBON HAIKU #2

Carbon, oh carbon!

You’re in every pencil,

and all grammar schools.

 

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Bad Artist #16, Churches

BadArtist16

CHURCH POLE VAULTING HAIKU #1

I fly through the air

With such magnificent ease

Because you will not move.

 

CHURCH POLE VAULTING HAIKU #2

You are quite unable

To move toward the middle.

So I must pole vault.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Great Moments in Literature and Literary Criticism

 temp

The following line comes from a well-known and well-respected author of Westerns,

“He could feel the heat from below; since heat rises, …”

Whoa! Heat rises? Did the author do his research?

. . .

Okay, now here is where the great moment in literary criticism comes in. I wrote down that quote but not the author’s name. I think the quote came from one of Clarence E. Mulford’s Hopalong Cassidy novels, but I’m not sure. I did read the book, but forgot the title. Or maybe I listened to it as an audio book. There you go.

– Paul R. De Lancey – soon to be out of work literary critic

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Bad Artist #14, Insurance

BadArtist14

 

INSURANCE HAIKU #1

I call insurance.

I see continents drifting

While I wait, wait, wait

 

INSURANCE HAIKU #2

The check’s in the mail.

Your call is very important.

We’ll be right with you.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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The Deadly Threat to American Manners

 Red Weathered Etiquette Stamp Circle and Stars

Much has been made lately about how illegal aliens are the root cause of our country’s woes. Fine debate indeed, often reaching the lofty level of thinking. But unfortunately, all this animated discourse obscures the greatest threat to America.

Poorly groomed zombies.

I mean look at them. They wear shabby clothes, never comb their hair, and always, always have unsightly blood smears around their mouths.

Everyone knows I’m no prude and am incredibly open minded, but the undead really creep me out. They putrefy all over the place and don’t even get me started on zombie marriage.

Zombies don’t even attempt to fit in. Is it so hard to bathe? I know it’s hard to own a home with a shower in it when you lose all your assets upon death. But if you have the initiative to find people and eat them–especially when your live victims are so much faster than you–then how hard is it to find a public shower, at the beach for instance?

And if you can’t shower every day, why not carry around a supply of moist towelettes? You’re just not going to get invited to any neighborhood barbeques with blood dripping off your chin. It just gives you away as someone who kills and eats humans. And that sort is never welcome at parties.

And that brings me to another point. Why the heck, do you zombies have to eat live humans all the time? It’s so rude. Why not try live pigs? It’s the other live, white meat. And how about vegetables? Why not eat vegetables? Your body’s decaying. You really need a balanced diet. Remember roughage. Poohing is likely to more difficult for you. Not trying to be rude, just saying.

And don’t even try to collect Social Security. You’re dead, okay?

– Paul R. De Lancey, Concerned Citizen

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Bad Artist #13, Golf

BadArtist13

GOLF HAIKU

“@#$@ ^&%# $#@ @#$&*(+

“#V%^! $%#_+( @@@#$$%% !$&^*)

“j#X!.? @#@ <>,. $#%!!”

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cartoon, humor | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Getting Rich with Magic

I recently took the clothes out of the dryer and found $1.36. I didn’t put that financial windfall in there. My wife says she didn’t. The two boys don’t go near clothes dryers.coins

It must be magic or perhaps I went into the future and put the money in there. But I’m entertaining doubt about this theory. You see, I have no time machine. It must be magic. I’ll be doing a lot more laundry from now on. And I’ll find more and more money, enough to build a financial empire. You’ll be invited to visit me at my corporate offices in Paris and Tahiti.  Ho, ho, mais oui.

Now if you’ll excuse I need to make more money.
Heads to the clothes dryer.

“Abra cadabra
Iggy piggy poo,
“Give me money
“A hundred thousand dollars will do.”

– Paul R. De Lancey, Master Magician

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: finance, humor, international, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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