Fusion Basic
BOILED WATER
People boil water all over the world. You simply cannot become a master chef without mastering the art of boiling water. It would be as ridiculous as trying to build the Empire State Building without mastering building with LegoTMs.
INGREDIENTS
water
(space reserved for doodling.)
First, locate your stove. Yes, it’s that big white appliance in your kitchen. No, no, no! You’re in the refrigerator. (Why does refrigerator have no “d” in it while “fridge” does?) The refrigerator has your beer in it. The stove is the thing with the four heating elements on top.
Put a pot on top of a heating element. I prefer the near, right one, but that’s because my near, left one doesn’t always work. If the left one did work, I would use that one as I am left-handed.
Fill the pot with water until it is half full. You are a beginner. When you’re more experienced, you may experiment with different levels. Until then, stick with halfway.
When you’ve done this, turn off the water. Future generations of water-hungry hordes will thank you. Most wars are started by competition over scarce resources. Your thoughtfulness will delay the War That Extinguished Humanity by another day.
Move the pot over to the lucky burner. Turn the burner on. You’ll be surprised how long water takes to boil when the burner’s off. You’ll also be astounded just how many times you’ll forget to do this simple task throughout your career as a successful, trend-setting chef.
Set the temperature on the dial for the burner to “High” or “Hi.” Low temperatures are not sufficient for boiling. Low settings are used to keep already cooked food warm; food that should have been eaten two hours ago but wasn’t because your no-good teenager decided to hang out at the skateboarding park instead of coming home. He could have called. He has a cell phone, but nooooo.
Anyway, it will take a few minutes to boil. You really should watch the whole process the first time. Once you get enough experience you can experiment with successively longer absences from the pot.
Don’t be excited by the first bubble on the water’s surface and conclude that the water is boiling. You’ll be laughed out of the world’s cooking schools if you think that.
Water can only truly be considered to be boiling if the entire surface is roiled. Another sign is a plentitude of tiny bubbles forming on the bottom of the pot.
There, you have accomplished a major culinary achievement. You are well on your way to cooking independence.
TIDBITS
1) Greeks thought water was one of the four elements. The other three were: Earth, Wind, and Fire, which is also the name of a famous rock-‘n-roll band.
2) You can swim in water or drink it. If you try the same with mercury, you will die.
3) Penguins’ digestive systems can change salt water to fresh water.
4) Penguins live in Antarctica. Antarctica has tall mountains. It’s more difficult to boil water at high altitudes. This is one reason why penguins never boil water.
5) The Earth’s supply of fresh water is relatively constant. The Earth’s population is soaring.
6) Fresh water will become harder to get for the people of the world.
7) Penguins with their ability to make fresh water will be able to dictate terms to an increasingly thirsty world.
8) Thank goodness penguins aren’t vicious.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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