When I Saved the Universe

Let’s face it, the affairs of people remain remain fraught with chaos and tinged with unpleasantness. We need something in our lives that stays constant, orderly, and clean. Astronomy fulfills that role all the time. Or does it?

Halley’s (pronounced Halley’s) Comet takes a long elliptical orbit around our planet, returning to Earth every 76 years. That comet visited us in 1910. But take a look around your room. Do you see any evidence–posters perhaps?–that Comet Halley passed by us in 1986? No, I didn’t think so.

Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! The clocklike movements of our Solar System are falling apart. Maybe the entire universe is returning to singularity in a Big Collapse. We’re all going to die! We’re all going to die! Damn the calories, I’m eating an entire chocolate cake.

But fear not. We need no longer end our sentences in exclamation marks. The period, our workhorse, will suffice.

For I have found my Official Halley’s Comet Observer’s Certificate. I saw Halley’s Comet back in 1986. I humbly share my proof below. Now relax and breathe slowly, the universe is still working fine. You will live. You will thrive. There will still be love and tacos in your future.

Note, I was so excited in 1986 about spotting Halley’s Comet and thus saving us all that I started to write in the date in the spot reserved for my signature. But can you blame me?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.