Posts Tagged With: Twizzler

How to Commit a Yummy Murder

If you’re thinking of committing murder, why not use Twizzlers(tm)? They’re yummy and fatal if used correctly as shown below.

1) Buy  several bags. Don’t worry about this, there is no waiting period for buying Twizzlers as can happen for guns.

2) Interweave the short, weak Twizzler pieces into a massive, sturdy candy rope. E Pluribus Unum. “Out of many, one.” This used to be the motto of our great country. By constructing a Twizzler rope you are paying homage to our nation’s founding fathers.

3) Choke your victim with the Twizzler rope. Did your murder make society better off? Did your victim annoy the heck out of everyone he met? If so, give yourself a pat on the back.

4)  Eat the Twizzler rope. This act neatly disposes of the murder weapon and honestly, can you really stop yourself from eating all that yummy candy?

5) Call the police and say you found the victim dead and you just don’t know what happened. They might not believe you but without a murder weapon what can they do?

I hope you’ll find this little household tip useful.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

P.S. Murder is actually wrong. Just say no.

P.P.S. Even though murdering spouses eliminates the need for going through nasty, prolonged divorce proceedings, it is still wrong. Just say no to murder. Don’t make me come back there.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

How A Great Tip For Murder Came About

had a bag of Twizzlers yesterday and didn’t finish it. I’m worried about myself.
    • Kar:  Red ?

    • Daphne Anne Humphrey: Dearest Paul, I am positive that with the leftover Twizzlers you can come up with an amazing recipe for an entree. (Personally, I’d opt for something using boneless chicken breasts and mandarin oranges.) Has anyone ever done a Twizzler reduction sauce? I think not. But you can. Either that or whip them into a soufflé.

    • Paul De Lancey:  But, but, but I left them on the other side of the country! *head desk*

    • Daphne Anne Humphrey: I am positive they have stores that sell Twizzlers in your area of the country.

    • Steve: Buy some of that red spaghetti-like licorice and make a pasta dish for dessert.

    • Daphne Anne Humphrey: I am thinking a mini lemon tart with a twizzler foam and a mint sprig garnish. (Honestly if the top tier chefs can use Twinkies, Oreos or Reese’s Peanut butter cups to create 30 dollar a plate deserts you can certainly create a “je ne c’est quois” desert with Twizzlers.)

       
    • Robert  Personally, I prefer Red Vines.

    • Daphne Anne Humphrey: I am thinking that perhaps Red Vines would hang someone nicely. Do you think I could get away with it if I ate the evidence?

    • Robert: Only i f they hav small necks….

  •  I was about to respond when I realized Daphne’s great idea would help everyone and that a blog was the best way to disseminate it.

    – Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

    My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: bad advice, obsevations | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

How To Commit A Tasty Murder

If you’re thinking of committing murder, why not use Twizzlers? They’re yummy and fatal if used correctly as shown below.

1) Buy  several bags. Don’t worry about this, there is no waiting period for buying Twizzlers as can happen for guns.

2) Interweave the short, weak Twizzler pieces into a massive, sturdy candy rope. E Pluribus Unum. “Out of many, one.” This used to be the motto of our great country. By constructing a Twizzler rope you are paying hommage to our nation’s founding fathers.

3) Choke your victim with the Twizzler rope. Did your murder make society better off? Did your victim annoy the heck out of everyone he met? If so, give yourself a pat on the back.

4)  Eat the Twizzler rope. This act neatly disposes of the murder weapon and honestly, can you really stop yourself from eating all that yummy candy?

5) Call the police and say you found the victim dead and you just don’t know what happened. They might not believe you but without a murder weapon what can they do?

I hope you’ll find this little household tip useful.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

<span>%d</span> bloggers like this: