If you’re thinking of committing murder, why not use Twizzlers(tm)? They’re yummy and fatal if used correctly as shown below.
1) Buy several bags. Don’t worry about this, there is no waiting period for buying Twizzlers as can happen for guns.
2) Interweave the short, weak Twizzler pieces into a massive, sturdy candy rope. E Pluribus Unum. “Out of many, one.” This used to be the motto of our great country. By constructing a Twizzler rope you are paying homage to our nation’s founding fathers.
3) Choke your victim with the Twizzler rope. Did your murder make society better off? Did your victim annoy the heck out of everyone he met? If so, give yourself a pat on the back.
4) Eat the Twizzler rope. This act neatly disposes of the murder weapon and honestly, can you really stop yourself from eating all that yummy candy?
5) Call the police and say you found the victim dead and you just don’t know what happened. They might not believe you but without a murder weapon what can they do?
I hope you’ll find this little household tip useful.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
P.S. Murder is actually wrong. Just say no.
P.P.S. Even though murdering spouses eliminates the need for going through nasty, prolonged divorce proceedings, it is still wrong. Just say no to murder. Don’t make me come back there.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.