I preserve my potatoes by wrapping them in a paper towel and putting them in a Twinkies(tm) box which sits on top of the refrigerator.
Where do you keep your potatoes?
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Last year sucked in many ways. Unfortunately, it’s unreasonable to expect eight billion people, viruses, and the forces of nature to better themselves in 2025.
Sigh.
So it’s up to me to improve our world.
I hereby resolve to
1) Not eat mushrooms
2) Not eat lutefisk
3) Not wear pajamas all day long unless quite ill.
Many of you, no doubt, notice that I make these same resolutions and that I keep them, every single one of them. Thank you.
“I’ve never strayed from all I believe.
“I’m blessed with an iron will.
“Had I been made the partner of Eve,
“We’d be in Eden still.”
– Sir Lanceleot, Camelot
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Salt pork, hard to find in the wild
I spent much of the morning shopping at three grocery stores. First one, Grocery Outlet was missing all sorts of basic foods. The next one, Stater Brothers did not have salt pork. They were, however, selling a dozen eggs for $9 – $10. It’s the age-old story, an item cannot be produced in one place then every store or supplier across the universe holds back supplies and jacks up prices for months to come.
I then went to Sprouts, They were selling eggs for $4.70, so I bought them there. In your face, Stater Bros. However, they didn’t have salt pork either.
I need salt pork to make homemade Boston Baked Beans for a party. I’ve looked online for an hour or two. Only two possible stores in the country. I couldn’t find a good source online.
Thanks, Obama.
Then, I spent hours fixing problems in finances.
That’s it.
You know you want to party with me.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
I woke up feeling extremely fatigued. This has been the rule for years. I wake up wanting to go to sleep again.
Perhaps I was boxing the Klingon heavyweight champion. If so, I think I triumphed as there’s no bruises on me. Perhaps I leading a years-long march on Mars to resupply the mother base with food and water. I do hope I get there soon. I imagine they’re eagerly awaiting my arrival.
I’ve so exhausted from the word go, that I’ve let go today’s patrol at the edge of the Solar System. If our galactic enemies notice my absence; I do apologize.
I do so crave solid sleep.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Man of music, man of rage
Sorry this post had to be filed via a time machine, but I got into a fistfight with Santa Claus. He came down the chimney in the wee hours of Christmas morning. Harry Truman was still president when the chimney was last cleaned. So he got a facefull of dirt and twigs, dust, spider webs, and grimes all over his once red and white suit.
Did he like the fact that there was a fireplace screen and a sofa blocking the chimney’s exit?
No, he did not.
Indeed, he said, “What sort of an aadvark’s butt hole puts a screen and a sofa to block my way? And where the feck are my milk and cookies? This house blows dead bears!”
I drew myself to 90 percent of my full height. “Yeah well, at least I didn’t let my reindeer bully Rudolph and exclude him from their reindeer games, you fat, judgmental bastard. Also, I don’t enslave elves to make toys for me, you ball of Arctic pestilence.”
Then words were said that couldn’t be taken back. Fists were raised. Punches were thrown. I out pummeled fatty, having practiced boxing a little bit in college. However, the Jolly Recluse of the North Pole sure could take a punch. That huge belly of Old Saint Nick absorbed anything I could throw at him. The fight went on for hours until Mr. Claus realized he was behind schedule.
He pointed a finger at me. “Thanks to you, kids in Sub-Saharan Africa won’t get their presents until noon, Inconceivable, you whining pustule.”
I sneered. “Yeah, your wife living in Barbados, well I’ve had her. Hasta la vista, Santy.”
I will always wonder if I could have handled our meeting better. Ouch, my ribs! The Clausorino sure possessed a mean right jab. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a long, hot bath with Epsom salts.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
May you have the best holidays ever. May 2025 be the most wonderful year ever. May you coexist with all relatives and colleagues. May your favorite food go down in price. May it only rain and snow when you’re indoors. May nobody block the aisles with their shopping carts. May traffic be astoundingly light whenever you need to drive. May lutefisk be outlawed. May every day be Taco Day.May you feel my love for you.
Here’s a Christmas card of my brother and I from 30 years ago. 🙂 As you can see, I improvised an improvement.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Klingons were here.
I saw to and took care of finances. They needed tending to. “You never spend any timewith us anymore,” said my finances. “We don’t think you stopped liking us.” So I spent a while with them. We frolicked and gamboled together in the meadows and along sparkling white beaches, metaphorically of course. We parted great friends once more.
Full of the joy that only dancing with finances can yield, I tackled the paper swamp that was my office. It took a long time.
Halfway through I noticed there were Klingons around Uranus. “What the dickens are you doing there? It’s gassy and out of bounds. “Oopsie,” said Commander Frances, “I got lost.” Captain Desdemona Death Defying Daughter of Dangerous Destiny snorted. “I told him he was lost, but does a male Klingon ask for galactic directions? Noooooo.”
And soon, the Klingon spaceship puttered away.
I turned my attention back to my office. I shredded and shredded documents and the like. I shredded enough paper to make a vacation home for a dozen hampsters.
Then I made spaghetti. Ingredients were: tomatoes, leeks, green onions, onion, carrots, ground turkey, mozzarella cheese, allspice, poultry magic, and epicieres. The meal passed in pleasing conversation
And now to relax.
I hope you had a fun day. I’d like to hear about yours.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Life double
I didn’t sleep well last night and saw doctors with a friend. I’m tired and sad.
However, it is worth noting that exactly 132 years ago in Indiana, it was December 16. Indeed, many regions in America experienced the same phenomenom.
Take care,
Paul De Lancey
Dealing with people can be hard for us. The following comment is one reason why:
“Stop freaking out so much.”
Strange so say. we don’t like things upsetting us so easily. Gee, if we could stay calm all the time, we would. This comment is particularly distressing when coming from loved ones, friends, and others who have known us for decades and really should know that the same events will always shatter our emotional balance.
To show you what it feels like, here’s some back-at-you Useless, Uncaring Hateful Advice:
“Manage your money better.”
“Don’t be so horrible at math.”
Here’s a thought; help the person with the problem or just plain not make it worse.
Thank you.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
My stunt double
Nothing major went wrong today but my gosh, I’ve been overwhelmed by an unending series of minor things going wrong. I accomplished nothing that I want to do. Indeed, I even lost one of the gifts I wanted to wrap. Wrapping was heck because my usual clumsy fingers, were oh so more clumsy today, including wrapping and typing. All in all, a veritable death-by-paper-cuts day. Fudge. And I’d like up feeling refreshed; it’s been so many years. And I found out yesterday that I have a degenerative something in my left shoulder; that’s why it hurts so often. I think I’ll hide from the world. I learned that survival technique from my cat who stayed with me when I was sick so much when I was little. Oh gosh, signing off.
– Paul R. De Lancey
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