Monthly Archives: December 2024

I Wish You a Happy New Year

I don my metaphorical armor as last year could have been a lot better; I’m looking a you, The Summer That Sucked where I was sick the whole. I’m also aprehensive about nation’s future.

But this is a time to wish great things to your loved ones, your friends, and all the other good people of the world. Evil sorts, such as the one who gave me Covid, can just suck eggs for the next twelve months.

For all good people, I wish  you a year of the following good things:

1)  health
2) tacos
3) tasty, yet healthy, doughnuts
4) Full employment or full retirement, your choice
5) Self-cleaning dishes
6) finding salt pork at the first supermarket you visit
7) true love and true friendshio
8) Not being a victim of crime
9) fun and safe drivng
10) sales on tortillas
11) cheap eggs
12) reuniting with loved ones and lost friends
13) steaks cooked exactly to your liking
14) peace in your neighborhood and in the world
15) success in at least one endeavour, no matter how small as long as it makes your proud of yourself
16) finding a new and comfy pair of shoes on the first try
17) perfectly home cooked meals everytime.
18) Many great parties if you’re an extrovert and many non-mandatory parties if you’re an introvert
19) Waking up refreshed everytime.
20) the ability to fold fitted sheets
21) All sorts of good tv shows and movies to watch
22) writing a best seller
23) consistent Capitalization
24) a wonderful vacation
25) friendship with cats and dogs
26) healthy air-fried Twinkies
27) an uplifting conversation with a guy named Ralph
28) No paper cuts except for your enemies
29) you master the health-care system
30) catching almost no red lights
31) picking the right line when waiting for something
32) your fitted sheet never comes off a mattress corner while you try to get to sleep
33) ability in directing your spam mail to your worst enemy
34) cheese
35) your typos magically disappear as soon as you type them
36) and all sorts of other good things
37) finding your car keys right away, even when you’re pressed for time

Happy New Year

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

You Know You Want to Party With Me

Salt pork, hard to find in the wild

I spent much of the morning shopping at three grocery stores. First one, Grocery Outlet was missing all sorts of basic foods. The next one, Stater Brothers did not have salt pork. They were, however, selling a dozen eggs for $9 – $10. It’s the age-old story, an item cannot be produced in one place then every store or supplier across the universe holds back supplies and jacks up prices for months to come.

I then went to Sprouts, They were selling eggs for $4.70, so I bought them there. In your face, Stater Bros. However, they didn’t have salt pork either.

I need salt pork to make homemade Boston Baked Beans for a party. I’ve looked online for an hour or two. Only two possible stores in the country. I couldn’t find a good source online.

Thanks, Obama.

Then, I spent hours fixing problems in finances.

That’s it.

You know you want to party with me.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: about me, my life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

What I Did Today

I woke up feeling extremely fatigued. This has been the rule for years. I wake up wanting to go to sleep again.

Perhaps I was boxing the Klingon heavyweight champion. If so, I think I triumphed as there’s no bruises on me. Perhaps I leading a years-long march on Mars to resupply the mother base with food and water. I do hope I get there soon. I imagine they’re eagerly awaiting my arrival.

I’ve so exhausted from the word go, that I’ve let go today’s patrol at the edge of the Solar System. If our galactic enemies notice my absence; I do apologize.

I do so crave solid sleep.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: about me, my life, what I did | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

On This Day

 

­

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: This day in history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Things Went Wrong

Commander Jones turned whiter than a blank whited out blank white paper during a blizzard. His hand shook more than What’s Her Face’s twerking butt*. “We have no tacos and the moon base is celebrating Taco 2045.” His self-frying brain cells made him open the door to a universe emptier that an amoeba’s brain and the Seattle Mariners pennant wall. He stepped out.
­
The pressure inside his body overwhelmed outer space’s like Mahomes going deep against the New York Giants during a two-minute drill. Two things wrong. Oops! Naturally the exploded commander didn’t give a toss about closing the spacehip’s door. Everything inside the spaceship shot out the door; food, medicine, Parcheesi boards, everything. They all stampeded out the spacecraft like fifth-graders hearing the class-dismissed bell at the end of the day. That’s three things that went wrong. My bad.
­
* = Ignorance of her name kinda lessens the impact of this scintillating writing. Oops, four things wrong.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: Bad Day, Secrets of the Universe | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What Do You Think of This Font for Dyslexics

I suffer a bit from dyslexia and from the fact that my eyes often don’t work well together. This makes reading harder for me. So I’ve been experimenting with the following font. I find it easier to read, but it takes up nearly twice the space. Any future cookbooks and novels would take up to twice as many pages and thus cost twice as much.

1) Do you think the new font is easier to read?

2A) Do you think making the cookbook or novel twice as long a deal breaker?

2B) The same, but if you a dyslexic?

I’m sorry it’s so blurry. I’ve spent a lot of time on this font and more time to get it to show on this blog.

– Paul De Lancey

 

Categories: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I Fight Santa Claus

Man of music, man of rage

Sorry this post had to be filed via a time machine, but I got into a fistfight with Santa Claus. He came down the chimney in the wee hours of Christmas morning. Harry Truman was still president when the chimney was last cleaned. So he got a facefull of dirt and twigs, dust, spider webs, and grimes all over his once red and white suit.

Did he like the fact that there was a fireplace screen and a sofa blocking the chimney’s exit?

No, he did not.

Indeed, he said, “What sort of an aadvark’s butt hole puts a screen and a sofa to block my way? And where the feck are my milk and cookies? This house blows dead bears!”

I drew myself to 90 percent of my full height. “Yeah well, at least I didn’t let my reindeer bully Rudolph and exclude him from their reindeer games, you fat, judgmental bastard. Also, I don’t enslave elves to make toys for me, you ball of Arctic pestilence.”

Then words were said that couldn’t be taken back. Fists were raised. Punches were thrown. I out pummeled fatty, having practiced boxing a little bit in college. However, the Jolly Recluse of the North Pole sure could take a punch. That huge belly of Old Saint Nick absorbed anything I could throw at him. The fight went on for hours until Mr. Claus realized he was behind schedule.

He pointed a finger at  me. “Thanks to you, kids in Sub-Saharan Africa won’t get their presents until noon, Inconceivable, you whining pustule.”

I sneered. “Yeah, your wife living in Barbados, well I’ve had her. Hasta la vista, Santy.”

I will always wonder if I could have handled our meeting better. Ouch, my ribs! The Clausorino sure possessed a mean right jab. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a long, hot bath with Epsom salts.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: about me, Santa Claus | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Merry Everything

May you have the best holidays ever. May 2025 be the most wonderful year ever. May you coexist with all relatives and colleagues. May your favorite food go down in price. May it only rain and snow when you’re indoors. May nobody block the aisles with their shopping carts. May traffic be astoundingly light whenever you need to drive.  May lutefisk be outlawed. May every day be Taco Day.May you feel my  love for you.

Here’s a Christmas card of my brother and I from 30 years ago. 🙂 As you can see, I improvised an improvement.

­­

­

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: about me, happy | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Champurrado

Mexican Appetizer

­

CHAMPURRADO

­
INGREDIENTS
­
2 cups water
1¼ cups masa harina* or ⅔ cup corn flour
6 cups water* or milk
1 cinnamon stick
2 cloves (optional)
5½ ounces piloncillo* or ½ brown sugar
6½ ounces Mexican chocolate tablets
­
* = The ingredients with an asterisk are authentic Mexican choices. They can be found in most supermarkets and authentic Mexican ones, or online. Water can be found everywhere. ☺
­
SPECIAL UTENSIL
­
electric blender
­
Makes 8 cups. Takes 30 minutes.
­
PREPARATION
­
Add 2 cups water and masa harina to electric blender. Set mixer on puree and mix until well blended Add 6 cups water, cinnamon stick, cloves, and piloncillo to pot. Bring to boil using high heat. Stir occasionally. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 3 minutes at low heat or until piloncillo melts. Stir frequently.
­
Add chocolate tables. Stir until well blended. Add water/masa harina mix. Increase heat to medium high until mixture starts to boil. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 10 minutes or until mixture thickens. Stir frequently. Remove cinnamon stick. Serve hot.
­
TIDBITS
­
1) Champurrado is a portmanteau, coming from the combined words of, champion, purring, and xtqnado. Champion and purring are English words. However, xtqnado is, of course, Incan. Xtqmado means “protection by chocolate.” Thus, champurrado means “protection given from the chocolate purring one.” We would call it a happy brown cat. And oh, you can check out the Official Incan dictionary from the Gainesville Public Library. You might have to reserve it.
­
2) Every year the Incas performed a ceremony to find the loudest purring brown cat. As long as the Incas anointed their sacred champurrado, no enemy nation could harm them. Then in 1532, the Inca’s divine protection deserted them when “Chocy,” their anointed cat, ran off to chase a sarcastic mouse. A month later, Pizarro conquered the Incan Empire for Spain. Coincidence? Perhaps.
­

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Your Call is Very Important to Us

Well no, not really. The whole customer-service process is designed to drive us crazy enough to hang up. I say when you lose your cool, lose it completely like in the picture below. Not only will you get through; you’ll also feel proud about yourself. Go get ’em, Tiger!

­

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.