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Be afraid of shredded meat, be very afraid

This country desperately needs shredded beef, pork, and chicken that doesn’t stick in our teeth. We get irriated when shredded meat gets stuck between our teeth. Our irritation turns to rage. Rage transform seamlessly into violence. We hit people. Neighborhood riots ensue. Houses burn to the ground. The newly homeless people take their AK-47s out of their gun cabinets and invade someone else’s home. The victimized people fight back. Violence doubles and redoubles. Soon buildings all across the country collapse in a nation wide inferno.

Or . . .

a man becomes fixated on the tiresome shredded pork lodged between his teeth. So much so that he doesn’t listen to his put-upon wife. She can’t abide his abiding neglect. This is the last time for him. She plunges a steak knife deep in his gullet. Ironically, she could have removed the embedded shredded pork with her steak knife, but hindsight is 20/20. With his last breath the oafish husband phones his friends and ask them to avenge him. They comply. The newly minted, murdering wife calls her friends. Red mist descends on the two sides of the family. A roving firefight erupts. Passersby get gunned dowm. The lethal battles sucks in more and more families demanding lethal justice. A deadly and amorphous civil war envelops our country.

Or . . .

a zoo keeper becomes so distracted by shredded beef stuck by his canines that he forgets to close the gates to the carnivores’ gates. First, the lions plunge their canines into the vistors’ necks. People panic. They pour hot lead at the hungry carnivores. The shooters don’t hit the rampaging beasts; they have panicked, remember? They do manage to riddle a park bus. The panic become pandemic. Soon our once peaceful land becomes a seething cauldron of deadly violence.

All these scenarios are bad. Yes, all of them. So please, will someone, develop shredded meat that doesn’t lodge in our teeth. I will make you a big bag of chocolate chip cookies if you do. Thank you.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.