Posts Tagged With: butts

The welfare system continues to spiral out of control. Millions and millions dollars of our tax dollars flow into the lazy mouths of these lazy bums who do little but sleep, eat, and make more lazy bums. A great many of these welfare kings and queens hail from other countries without even the most basic of IDs such as drivers’ licenses. Indeed they thumb their noses, metaphorically at least, at us, the taxpaying citizens of this great land. Who are these burdens to the American economy?

The creatures in our nation’s zoo. As the great philosopher Hobbes, or someone else, could have said, “There is an implicit social contract between our zoos and its critters. The zoo provides food and shelters. The animals therein provide entertainment by jumping up and down, running, chattering, and at the very least moving.”

But do our zoo’s animal do much moving? Heck no. They sleep, sleep, and sleep. Big whoop. The worst offenders are the koalas, turtles  and lions who sleep twenty hours a day and for whom the act of munching on their grub makes their little black hearts beat like jackrabbits. What will gets these sleeping bum off the their butts?

Speed? Well, no. It’s illegal, isn’t it? At least for people it is. And I, for one, don’t want any of the zoo’s purchasers going to jail.

But what about high-energy drinks? One of those little bottles gets a person whizzing about for about five hours. Imagine how long it would get a tiny koala going? Heck we might even get to see those koalas pole vaulting and boxing each other.

Or since the lions and turtles sleep so much because they need all their energy to digest their stupid gazelle butts and turtle pellets, why not feed them something all our red-blooded American kids love, breakfast cereal packed with hig- energy sugar? I tell ya, fifty bowls of little sugar bombs in the lions’ breakfast bowls would get those lions roaring. Or how about hearing turtles roar? They’re usually ever so quiet. I tell you one could visit a zoo fifty times and never hear a turtle roar. Well, I want to hear a turtle roar. Don’t you?

Or even better have the roaring turtles do honest-to-goodness 100-yard dashes, one’s where they sprint as quickly as Usain Bolt.  Wouldn’t that draw those paying crowds into our nation’s zoos?

– Paul De Lancey, concerned citizen

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.