Posts Tagged With: Parcheesi

Things Went Wrong

Posted on December 27, 2024 by pauldelancey

Commander Jones turned whiter than a blank whited out blank white paper during a blizzard. His hand shook more than What’s Her Face’s twerking butt*. “We have no tacos and the moon base is celebrating Taco 2045.” His self-frying brain cells made him open the door to a universe emptier that an amoeba’s brain and the Seattle Mariners pennant wall. He stepped out.
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The pressure inside his body overwhelmed outer space’s like Mahomes going deep against the New York Giants during a two-minute drill. Two things wrong. Oops! Naturally the exploded commander didn’t give a toss about closing the spacehip’s door. Everything inside the spaceship shot out the door; food, medicine, Parcheesi boards, everything. They all stampeded out the spacecraft like fifth-graders hearing the class-dismissed bell at the end of the day. That’s three things that went wrong. My bad.
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* = Ignorance of her name kinda lessens the impact of this scintillating writing. Oops, four things wrong.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: Bad Day, Secrets of the Universe | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cantaloupe Smoothie

Posted on August 4, 2024 by pauldelancey

American Dessert

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CANTALOUPE SMOOTHIE

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INGREDIENTS
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4 cups cantaloupe, cubed
2 bananas
1 tablespoon honey
2 cups milk
2 cups plain yogurt or vanilla yogurt
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SPECIALTY APPLIANCE
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blender
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PREPARATION
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Put all ingredients in blender. Blend at “smoothie” setting for about 30 seconds or until thoroughly blended. Woo hoo, tasty and simple.
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TIDBITS
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1) Cantaloupe is an anagram for “toucan, leap.” Count Dracula is based on Vlad the Impala. No, only one those two assertions isn’t right. Vlad ruled Wallachia off and on from 1448 to 1476.
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2) Impala is a car. The first Impala was built in 1958. So it isn’t possible for Vlad to have driven an Impala. Still, the commercial tie ins are obvious.
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3) Or maybe not. Vlad was really Vlad the Impaler. He got that title from impaling his enemies on long, pointy poles. The best slogan incorporating this fact would be, “Drive an Impala. People will fear you and get out of your way.” Meh. Still it makes you think. Why was Vlad so crabby?.
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4) Culinary historians believed nothing would make Vlad happier than seeing toucans leap. He’d say, “Leap, amazing toucan, leap.”
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5) How did Vlad get his leaping toucans? Why, from the famous Central and-South America to Wallachia Leaping Toucan for Pointy Pole Trade Route.
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6) The Ottoman Turks controlled part of this path. This would have been okay, but one day Vlad and the Ottoman sultan accused each other of cheating at Parcheesia(tm). Words were said and soon the sultan blocked all Toucan/pointy pole trade. The two Parcheesi players went to war. Vlad died.
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7) However, the anagram-and-smoothie loving, Sultan honored his foe’s courage with the cantaloupe smoothie. Now you know.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Homemade Butter

Posted on November 19, 2017 by pauldelancey

American Appetizer

HOMEMADE BUTTER

INGREDIENTS

3 cups heavy whipping cream
½ cup ice water
¼ teaspoon salt (optional, to taste)

SPECIAL UTENSILS

food processor (best), immersion blender or electric whisk
fine-mesh colander or colander with cheesecloth
butter molds (optional)

Makes 1 cup or 2 sticks butter. Takes 15 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add whipping cream to food processor. Whip cream until it cream fully separates into thickish butter and buttermilk. This can take up to 10 minutes. Place large bowl under colander. Pour contents of food processor into colander. Most of the buttermilk will go through the colander and into the bowl.

Put butter into 2nd bowl. Use your hands to press down on the butter until all of the buttermilk is out of the butter. Pour some cold water onto the butter. Knead butter. Carefully drain water from bowl. Repeat until poured-off water is clear. This process removes the last of the buttermilk from the butter. Add salt, to taste, and mix into butter with fork. Save the buttermilk for drinking or for recipes.

This butter is soft but will harden in the refrigerator. You can make sticks of butter with butter molds. Butter will store in the fridge for 2-to-6 weeks.

TIDBITS

1) There’s always the hope that prison time will rehabilitate criminals.

2) This is why most American prisons have ParcheesiTM leagues. This game teaches people to deal with the ups and downs of life and to take a longer view of things. Plus the long Parcheesi season keeps the inmates busy. More than one avid prisoner has had to be dragged from a post-season tournament game simply because his sentence was up.

3) Freshly made butter hardens in refrigerators. So do freshly made convicts. This is why the higher-security prisons never let jailbirds ever get inside a fridge or even own one. Butter also makes it much easier for people get out of handcuffs. This is why arresting officers won’t give their suspect a stick of butter. One phone call yes, but butter never.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: cuisine | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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