Posts Tagged With: boogers

You can make this number go down

Let’s face it, many of would like to lose weight.

Unfortunately, many of get weighed at the doctor’s office. You see your weight. You didn’t think it was that high! Goodness. The weight taker sees your weight. She writes it down. What is she thinking? It’s probably, “Tsk, tsk.”

You’re sitting in the waiting room waiting for the dread weighing. (Notice the nifty alliteration? The ancient Norsemen valued alliteration over rhyming in their poetry.)

Anyway what can you do in those precious minutes to lower the number on the scale?

I’m glad you asked.

17 GUARANTEED HACKS TO LOSE WEIGHT IN MINUTES

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1) Just before weighing, remove your wallet and set it aside. (Hey, it weighs something and it’s not even body mass. Why let it count?)

2) Remove your keys.

3) Remove your cell phone, iPad(tm), whatever.

4) Remove your glasses.

5) Remove your contact lens. (Store them carefully.)

6) Remove your shoes. (The doctor’s staff will let you do this.)

7) Remove your belt and as many as the staff will let you get away. (Still not your body mass, so why let it count?)

8) Exhale and hold your breath. (Those air molecules in your lungs must weigh something.

9) Vist the restroom and spit. (Spit has mass.)

10) Pee and poo. (They too have mass.)

11) It’s trying to poo, even the humble fart has mass.)

12) Comb your hair. (Dandruff has mass.)

13) Look for eye boogers and remove them. (Yep, mass.)

14) Clip your fingernails and toenails. (More mass.)

15) Trim your moustache and pluck your eyebrows. (Excess mass that’s staring you in the mirror.)

16) Remove all makeup and nail polish. (Mass, excess mass.)

Now face your weighting with confidence.

17) Oh, and don’t forget to blow your nose.

Get through your visit with the doctor.

Now go home and treat yourself to a chocolate doughnut, you magnificent sunbeam, you.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.