Posts Tagged With: Martians

I Have Questions

You have been warned.

This sign confuses me.

It reads: “Prop 65 Furniture Warning”

When I first saw it, reflection from the Sun produced glare that obliterated the letters “rni” in the word “Furniture.”

The sign now apparently read: “Prop 65 Future warning.”

You have to admit that is pretty darn exciting. Are Martians from the year 2525 coming back to enslave Californians? And why are doing this? Do they want our avocados?

1)  Is the state of California, or its voters, merely trying to warn us in a big way about the future? But how are we to heed this warning?

2) Are we trying warn the future? Oh ho future, don’t mess with California.

But seen from the proper angle, the correct reading of the sign emerges.

1) But why is our furniture warning us? Are we voting our response to furniture’s warning?

2)  Is California’s furniture unruly? Is this proposition an answer to furniture hooligans? Couldn’t we simply say, “Now see here, furniture, we’ll have none of this behavior around here.”

I better read the voter’s pamphlet. So behave yourselves, I’ll be busy.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: Brace Yourselves, danger, explanations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

My Favorite Newspaper Headlines

Alas the art of fantastic newspaper headlines is disappearing into the mists of history. At one time, you could count on looking at The National Enquirer(tm) while waiting to check out your groceries. No longer. But I still remember how the following headlines made me chuckle:

6) “Tap the Amazing Healing Power of Ketchup”

(Who needs a pill?)

5) “Woman Steals Three-Headed Baby”

(Two-headed baby abductions are so common they’re no longer news.)

4) “News Reporter Eaten Alive by 80-ft. Dinosaur”

(I have a sneaking admiration for the correct usage of the hyphen between “80” and “ft.”)

3) “Archaeologists  Discover Skeleton of Satan. Find of the Century”

(Discovering that the Prince of Darkness existed and the Goodness reigns unopposed is only the find of the century. Geez, the millennium at least)

2) “Learn Ten New Ways to Talk to the Dead”

(I never knew the ten old ways. I’m so embarrassed.)

1) “L.A. Quake Opens Gates of Hell”

(There goes the neighborhood.)

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor, obsevations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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