Posts Tagged With: daylight savings

Daylight Savings Explained

Dear Mr. Explainer,GrandfatherClock

We set our clocks forward one hour on March 13. So we lose an hour. But then we get it back on November 6 when we set our clocks back one hour? Where does that hour go for all those months? Does it goes to a parallel universe to visit all those socks that disappear from our clothes dryer? Did I even spell “dryer” correctly? What is the point of swapping an hour for an hour?

– Eduardo Salinas Albondigas, baffled as hell.

Dear Mr. Hell,

Daylights savings is kinda like investing in a certificate of deposit, you put in a dollar at 4% for 238 days to get back $1.0259039*. Same here, you put in one hour of sleep at 4% and get back 1.0259039 hours. So, in the fall, you get one day that’s 24,0259039 hours long. That means you receive an extra 1.55432 minutes of sleep that day.** Perhaps just long enough to transform you from an ever-the-edge grumpy non-morning person axe murderer to a mere under-the-edge grumpy non-morning person.

Check it out, the murder rate will plummet on November 6. Oh, and don’t travel out of America that day. The other countries do not get that extra 1.55432 minutes of rest and so, will be murdering each other with axes. And who wants to be around that?

– Paul R. De LanceyDeLanceyPaul
Mr. Explainer

* = CDs that accept deposits of $1 and have maturity lengths of 238 are notoriously hard to find.
** = November 6 is officially still 24 hours 0 minutes long. All clocks and watches in America stop for 1.55432 minutes at 2 am.

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperback or Kindle on amazon.com.

 

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Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Why the Latest End of the World Didn’t Happen

NoApocalypse

It’s getting embarrassing. People confidently shout to everyone that the end of the world will end tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes. And it doesn’t end. Again. Oh sure, you might have gotten a migraine or you found no hot coffee waiting for you when woke up, but that’s not entirely the same thing as the complete destruction of seven billion people. Be fair, it isn’t.

So what happens to the doomsayers? Humiliated, they slink off to their innermost lairs, tails between their legs, until enough time has elapsed for them to come out and forecast with complete uncertainty the next apocalypse. This, of course, is a shame as most of the end-of-the-Earthers are the nicest people you’d ever meet. George, who predicted the end of the world in 2012 makes doughnuts at his bakery and has a smile for everyone, including those who pay for their purchases entirely with pennies. Sarah, a newcomer to doom, runs a charity to provide hearing aids to northern Greenland.  Prudence, a veteran with seventeen predicted apocalypses under her belt, provides the voice that says, “Recalculating,” whenever your GPS notices you’ve taken a wrong turn.

All these people are wonderful folks. It’s always a great loss to the community whenever hide because of yet another highly visible, spectacularly, amazingly, world shakingly–oops sorry, bad choice of words there–End-It-All Soothsayers. What can we do to soothe their bruised egos?

Give them excuses

1* It’s the president’s fault.

2* It happened at night. No one noticed.

3* It happened, but we all got better.

4* It happened. It did! It just happened in a parallel universe. You know the one that takes our orphan socks from the clothes dryer.

5* It can’t happen until the Cubs win the World Series. Maybe this year they will and the apocalypse will back on track.

6* Apparently we don’t need the apocalypse, we have ComcastTM.

7* The Earth didn’t get slammed by a giant Coca PebbleTM, because an immensely huge space alien, I mean a hundred times the size of Jupiter, ate the last box of immensely huge Coca Pebbles.

8* We were on Daylight Savings Time.

9* Dr. Who saved us.

10* It happened, but no one will give the doomsayers any credit. It isn’t fair.  Just because people won’t dwell on the negative, preferring to rebuild their lives and face the slaggy, radioactive world with a joyful song.

– Paul R. De Lancey, comforterCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperback or Kindle
on amazon.com.

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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