Watching movies and television shows can be a pleasant way to pass the time. They can even be great fun. However, the logic and laws of physics are so often thrown out the window, leaving me the think, “Why even an amoeba could more realistic and better entertainment.” Here then, as they occur to me, recurring mistakes in movies and shoes,
- The bad guy never, ever, ever can shoot the good guy, even if they stand only one foot apart.
- The good guy never misses, even if he is 100 feet away.
- The good guy never misses even when he isn’t looking at someone.
- Bad guys will step into open to shoot. Then they get shot.
- When the good guy shoots with two machine guns he doesn’t have to aim. He also is invulnerable. (I know, some of these pickies are similar.)
- One good guy will die so that the upright people can be shown to have affection and compassion. The surviving good guys are then justified in slaughtering boat loads of badies.
- The bad guy will always leave a captured good guy alone and give him enough time to escape.
- The teenage girl will always explore all the rooms in the house even though her friends were already slaughtered there.
- Archers will shoot flaming arrow after flaming arrow at the enemy. How hundreds of archers manage to light thousands of arrows from three fiery cauldrons is a mystery to me. I also wonder how none of the archers get burned drawing and loosing the arrows.
- The actors in action movies deliver there cliche-ridden lines with such intensity as to bring on hernias.
- Police have the funds and time to pursue any murder, any major crime.
- Detectives always throw away the rule book.
- Sword fights look so staged. Yep, we’ll clash their swords up here. Then we meet by our feet.
- Why would swordsmen strike for the ankles?
- No matter how disciplined the ancient armies were, they always break formation to go into individual duels. Even if we know from tons of contemporaneous records that the Romans and the Greek hoplites trained for months to manuever as one.
- The driver can turn his head to talk to the passenger for up to a minute and never hit an oncoming car.
- The murderer never, ever, ever, ever, ever goes very far from the scene of the crime.
- The crime scene never get contaminated.
- Suspects always sass the questioning detective.
- Wives die off first, especially in Disney(tm) movies. The real world has the husband dying first.
Enough ranting for now. Carry on.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
As a 5′ 1″ swordswoman, I can tell you – the ankles is where it’s at! Ankles, shins, crucial blood vessels in the thighs. Oh yeah!