Posts Tagged With: lose weight

Tap the Amazing Healing Properties of Farts

Posted on December 13, 2024 by pauldelancey

For too long people have turned up their noses at farters, even putting distance between themselves and the sonorous tooters. Unfeeling oafs have even given farters names reeking of distain, such as Farty Barty, Stinky Blinky, Mel the Smell, Jean the Bean, Bart the Fart,and so on.

Well such a world view stinks. And its short sighted. Now take a deep breath, relax, and savor the powerful benefits of the rectal blast.

Yes, it’s time to tap the Amazing Healing Properties of Farts.

1) Farting is good for you as it expels toxins.

2) Farting is good for you as your toxic-laden toots gets your nemesis off your ass for a while.

3) Farting is good for you as it helps you lose weight. After all, even the humble fart has mass.

4) Farting is good for you as it releases pressure building in your intestines. Do you really want to be in a crowded theater only to cry out, “Ow, ow, ow, I feel such pain in my abdomen. Such, such pain. If only I could release the pressure with a powerful fart.”

5) Farting is good for you if you’ve fallen face down on super smooth ice. As every action yields an opposite and equal reaction, a goodly barrage of farts will propel you to edge of your frozen lake.

6) Farting is good for you. People who can fart “The Stripper” can always find jobs in gentlemen’s clubs.

7) Farting is good for you. The CIA always searches for people to fart coded messages.

8) Farting is good for you. A vigorous fart bombardment will get you to the head of the line in no time.

9) Farting is good for you. If you’re too shy to say “no,” the non-verbal fart will always convey your response.

10) Farting is good for you. Enough counter farts will repel a tornado.

11) Farting is good for you. Your farts can mask a worse odor.

Well, those are all the benefits that come to nose. Please list any other properties you’ve sniffed out.

 

­- Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
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My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: Butt Munch, fitness, science | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Yoga Instructor on Red Wine

Posted on November 15, 2024 by pauldelancey

 

Yoga Instructor reaches a startling conclusion.

Yoga Instructor #16

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: yoga instructor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

17 Sure Fire Ways to Lose Weight Quickly

Posted on June 11, 2024 by pauldelancey

You can make this number go down

Let’s face it, many of would like to lose weight.

Unfortunately, many of get weighed at the doctor’s office. You see your weight. You didn’t think it was that high! Goodness. The weight taker sees your weight. She writes it down. What is she thinking? It’s probably, “Tsk, tsk.”

You’re sitting in the waiting room waiting for the dread weighing. (Notice the nifty alliteration? The ancient Norsemen valued alliteration over rhyming in their poetry.)

Anyway what can you do in those precious minutes to lower the number on the scale?

I’m glad you asked.

17 GUARANTEED HACKS TO LOSE WEIGHT IN MINUTES

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1) Just before weighing, remove your wallet and set it aside. (Hey, it weighs something and it’s not even body mass. Why let it count?)

2) Remove your keys.

3) Remove your cell phone, iPad(tm), whatever.

4) Remove your glasses.

5) Remove your contact lens. (Store them carefully.)

6) Remove your shoes. (The doctor’s staff will let you do this.)

7) Remove your belt and as many as the staff will let you get away. (Still not your body mass, so why let it count?)

8) Exhale and hold your breath. (Those air molecules in your lungs must weigh something.

9) Vist the restroom and spit. (Spit has mass.)

10) Pee and poo. (They too have mass.)

11) It’s trying to poo, even the humble fart has mass.)

12) Comb your hair. (Dandruff has mass.)

13) Look for eye boogers and remove them. (Yep, mass.)

14) Clip your fingernails and toenails. (More mass.)

15) Trim your moustache and pluck your eyebrows. (Excess mass that’s staring you in the mirror.)

16) Remove all makeup and nail polish. (Mass, excess mass.)

Now face your weighting with confidence.

17) Oh, and don’t forget to blow your nose.

Get through your visit with the doctor.

Now go home and treat yourself to a chocolate doughnut, you magnificent sunbeam, you.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: life tips | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Paul’s Awesome English Dictionary – Today’s Word: Mindcise

Posted on July 16, 2023 by pauldelancey

Sure, we all want to be in better shape. We should exercise more. Some. Once. But we don’t. Our excuses for avoiding physical extertion are legion. So many of us completely erase  from our mind all thoughts of the workout. But not all of us. The better lazy people actively think about exercising.

But we don’t have a word to describe this behavior.

It’s high time to correct this oversight.

TODAY’S AWESOME WORD

mindcise

Awesome entry #21

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Paul's Awesome Dictionay | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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