If you’re like me, the thought of three-mile-wide comet striking the Earth terrifies you. I mean the last time we got hit by one, woowee, things were bad! We’re talking mass extinction with exclamation points everywhere!!!! And if you’re thinking I’m making all this up, go ask a dinosaur how things went down. Couldn’t find a dinosaur, could you? See? I was right.
Oh sure, there are some good things that would come with the obliteration of humanity. Some that occur to me: are eating English toffee ice cream and not caring a bit about the calories, no waiting in line at the DMV, no more filing of estimated taxes, never ever hearing again the theme song to Barney the Dinosaur, no more election ads, AND no more spring cleaning.
But no matter how much you try to put a happy face on this, mass extinctions are a bummer. You’ll miss things like: hot-and-heavy sex, breathing, shredded beef tacos in a crispy shell, root beer, and crossword puzzles*
So overall, I think it’s best if we deal with the incoming comets that everyone talks about. Here is my plan. It is devastating in its utter simplicity.
Have the comets bounce back into space off a three-mile wide trampoline. Tada! The world is saved.
Of course, we’ll need helicopters to fly the trampoline to wherever it will be needed, but that should be easy to arrange. And in the meantime, it’ll be a fantastic release for millions of energetic kids the world over who love to bounce, bounce, bounce. Face it, most people start wars because they’ve spent too much time with shrieking, whining, bored kids and just plain flipped out.
So, there you go, I’m saving the world at least two times. You’re welcome. I expect to Nobel Prize any moment now.
* = If you can find someone who lets you do crossword puzzles during hot and heavy sex, propose marriage immediately.
– Paul R. De Lancey, Ph.D. and future Nobel Prize winner
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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