Posts Tagged With: blood

Why Neanderthals Went Extinct

Posted on June 27, 2025 by pauldelancey

If only they could have hit the curveball.

The following is an extract from the best-seller, We’re French and You’re Not, so it must be true.
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“Robert, I wonder why Cro-Magnon survived and Neanderthal died out.”

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“Let me tell you ma chérie. My five-hundredth great grandfather was there.”
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“Your five-hundredth great grandfather?”
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“Yes, his name was Henri Ogg. Henri was upset that the Neanderthals didn’t properly spice their mastodon steaks. So, he started boycotting Neanderthal restaurants. Other Cro-Magnons followed suit. The Neanderthals retaliated by banning us from their hot springs. Fights started here and there. Soon, a stone-axe race began.
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“A war of annihilation nearly broke out. Instead, Monsieur Ogg tactfully suggested a baseball game to determine the extermination.“
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“Baseball was much different then, with bats fashioned from enormous twigs and five balls needed to get a walk. Both sides played this game of extinction in typical, jovial dawn-of-mankind fashion. Hunter-gatherers supplied food to the enormous crowd.
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“It was an exciting game. Many fans forgot to breathe and died. It all came down to the bottom of the ninth, two outs, bases loaded with the score: Cro-Magnons: All fingers of five men and three fingers of another, to Neanderthals: All fingers of five men and two of another.

“The Neanderthals had their best batter at the plate, Craggy. He sneered at our pitcher, Henri Ogg. Ogg hurled a blood ball, it was legal then. Craggy sneered and stepped away. Strike one!

“Henri hurled an anthrax ball. Craggy yawned. Strike two!
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“The crowd tensed. The Neanderthals smiled. Surely, Craggy would win the game now.

“Henri hurled a plain fastball. Craggy shattered the air with his mighty swing.

“Oh, somewhere the sun was shining and the people laughing, but there was no joy for the first cavemen; mighty Neanderthal was wiped out.”

“How do we know the Cro-Magnons were truly ahead?” says Harriet. “After all, cavemen were often missing fingers.”

“Hush.”
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Flags of the World – Triangles, Part Five

Posted on August 11, 2024 by pauldelancey

In Part One, we saw how geometry haters tyrannized lovers of triangles. We also discovered how geometry made better living possible. In Part Two, we learned of the terrible rivalry between circles and triangles. When, oh when, will trianglistas ever bask in the sunshine that is peace and security? In Part Four, we uncovered the unintended side benefits that accrue to lands that incorporate triangles into its flag. Here in Part Five, we learn about dynasties, golf, and weight gain.

 And now, the:

ROLL CALL OF FREEDOM

17. Jordan

Each stripe symbolizes a significant dynasty. The black stripe represents the domino-loving Abass dynasty from Baghdad. The middle white stripe is a sign of the Umayyads from Damascus and represent confectioners’ sugar. The best powdered doughnuts really can be found in Damascus. The green stripe refers to the dynasty of the Moroccan Fatimids and symbolized Morocco’s putting greens. The country may be mostly arrid, but the ruling elite really loves golf. The red wedge  stands for the Jordanian Hashim dynasty. and recalls a decadades-ago event when the dynasitc laundry woman put red scarves in the clothes washer. The red ran and all the leaders’ robes turned red. The elite made a virtue out of necessity and adopted red as their dynasty’s color. The white star is white.

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18. Marshall Islands
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The Marshall Islands is home to one of the densest concentrations of trianglistas in the world. This devotion to the trianglism –Yes, that is a now a legitimate word–way of life shows everywhere, including in sandwich shops. The levels of government bureacracy remain riddled with wisely governing trianglistas. Such devotion to the charming triangle shows up in the land’s flag which has seven! triangles. Can you find them all? (Three of the triangles are formed from two-or-three individual triangles.)
The orangle color of, well, the orangle triangle stands for the nation’s wealth. The white triangle represents hope. Well, why not? The two blue triangles recall the Pacific Ocean which laps the shores of this island nation. The differing sizes of the triangles represent the land’s ongoing commitment to diversity. The thick and thin sizes evoke humanity’s ever-present struggle from being overweight and the commitment to a leaner, healthier lifestyle. The pointy star is not a ninja death star. Rather it stands for islands’ administrative districts, Christian traditon, and the nation’s four largest cities. A busy star, you bet.
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19.  Mozambique

Arlo Guthrie’s great song “Mozambique” came about when a friend decided to make as many rhymes as they could with Mozambique. Again, I feel like point that the song “Mozambique” came after the nation was named and not vice versa.

Portugal’s flag has no triangles. Mozambique was a Portugese colony. The triangle-loving Mozambicans wanted independence and the right to determine the geometric shapes of the land. The small red refers to narrow margin of victory in their struggle for independence. The red color represents the bloody struggle to control their own destiny or red meat. (Portugal and Mozambique share a lot of culinary traditions.) The Kalashikov represents the armed conflict. Pow! Pow!

The color green harkens to the land’s fertile fields and to the cloth felt found on pool tables. If you visit Mozambique, take your cue stick. The book shows how much the Mozabicans love my novels and cookbooks. Thank you, Mozambique. The hoe depicts the imprortance of farming. Yellow stands for mineral wealth. The thin white arose from a shortage of green, black, and gold dyes.

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20. Namibia

Namibia is proud of the two triangles in its flag, as what country would not? The red stripe stands for the blood that’s pumped through our body. By extension, the stripe also represents the people teeming and flowing through this happy land. The green symbolizes the country’s vibrant parsley industry. Blue means that the sky above Namibia is blue. The flag also sports the yellow sun, which can be seen nearly every day. White stands for the country’s few clouds.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Half of the Earth is Upside Down!

Posted on October 1, 2021 by pauldelancey

Which Earth is Upside Down?

It’s true, half the Earth’s population is upside down. Half the Earth’s planes fly  upside down. The photos to the right show all this. It’s proof you cannot deny. Scientists, however, are a fractious bunch. Some think that people in the Southern Hemisphere are upside down. Other scientists claim it’s the folks in the Northern Hemisphere that are orientationally challenged.

There’s only one way to solve this. We know that the blood in upside-down people rushes to their head. So, if more people in the Southern Hemisphere than in the North have blood pooling into their head, then the Southerners are upside down. And Vice versa.

It’s time to find out the answer to this upside-down Earth puzzle. So dear readers and fellow scientists, please reply to this blog and let me know your hemispheric residence and if your blood pools to your head or not. Together, we shall advance the cause of science!

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: observations, proof you cannot deny | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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