Posts Tagged With: annihilation

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“Let me tell you ma chérie. My five-hundredth great grandfather was there.”

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“Your five-hundredth great grandfather?”

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“Yes, his name was Henri Ogg. Henri was upset that the Neanderthals didn’t properly spice their mastodon steaks. So, he started boycotting Neanderthal restaurants. Other Cro-Magnons followed suit. The Neanderthals retaliated by banning us from their hot springs. Fights started here and there. Soon, a stone-axe race began.
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“A war of annihilation nearly broke out. Instead, Monsieur Ogg tactfully suggested a baseball game to determine the extermination.“
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“Baseball was much different then, with bats fashioned from enormous twigs and five balls needed to get a walk. Both sides played this game of extinction in typical, jovial dawn-of-mankind fashion. Hunter-gatherers supplied food to the enormous crowd.
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“It was an exciting game. Many fans forgot to breathe and died. It all came down to the bottom of the ninth, two outs, bases loaded with the score: Cro-Magnons: All fingers of five men and three fingers of another, to Neanderthals: All fingers of five men and two of another.

“The Neanderthals had their best batter at the plate, Craggy. He sneered at our pitcher, Henri Ogg. Ogg hurled a blood ball, it was legal then. Craggy sneered and stepped away. Strike one!

“Henri hurled an anthrax ball. Craggy yawned. Strike two!
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“The crowd tensed. The Neanderthals smiled. Surely, Craggy would win the game now.

“Henri hurled a plain fastball. Craggy shattered the air with his mighty swing.

“Oh, somewhere the sun was shining and the people laughing, but there was no joy for the first cavemen; mighty Neanderthal was wiped out.”

“How do we know the Cro-Magnons were truly ahead?” says Harriet. “After all, cavemen were often missing fingers.”

“Hush.”

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.