Everybody knows that waiting in line at the DMV is the most soul-sucking experience imaginable.
But we are all wrong.
Just because the slow lines inside the DMV resemble plate tectonics, it doesn’t mean our imagination and hopes have to slow that much as well. No! Well then, what do we do in those funereal confines?
I’m glad you asked. Here are some fun things you can do while waiting to turn in your paperwork for a smart license.
1) Start a flash-mob Greek dancing extravaganza. Put on your togas, crank up the Hellenic flute music and rock the joint as your favorite Greek goddess or muse.
2) Start a chess tournament. Don’t worry, there will be enough time. You’ll need to bring your own tables and chess sets.
3) Give archery lessons. Isn’t there a risk of hitting someone? Won’t someone move into the path of the arrow? No, people don’t move inside the DMV. Well, hardly ever. And even then, your impeded shot will just make the line shorter. It’s a win-win scenario for all but the victim.
4) Organize a reading contest. The first person to read Moby Dick from cover to cover wins.
5) Set up a film festival. Screen the car classics, Thunder Road, Smokey and the Bandit, Death Race 2000, and if time permits, Mad Max – Fury Road.
6) Do DMV dating. It’s just like speed dating where you get five minutes with a potential date, but much, much longer.
7) Keep track of your time and apply it to any future jail sentences.
8) Bring a crossword puzzle book. Finish it.
9) Have a candlelit gourmet lunch with the person next in line. Dinner on lobster thermidor, steak au poivre vert, chicken Florentine, and baked Alaska. Meet the love of your life, make a business contact, or just past the time with delicious food and pleasing conversation.
10) Learn Portuguese. You never know when you’ll go to Brazil.
11) Get paid by the hour while you keep a billionaire’s place in line. The billionaire can use this time to rocket into space. It’s a win-win situation.
As you can see, there are many exhilarating things you can do while in line in the DMV. I hope to see you there. Son of a bee, we’ll have great glee at the ‘MV
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.