Posts Tagged With: estimated taxes

Pumpkin Shea Butter Soap

PUMPKIN SHEA BUTTER SOAP

­
INGREDIENTS
­
½ pound pumpkin pulp* (no stringy bits)
1 teaspoon orange mica powder
2 teaspoons pumpkin** spice
2 tablespoons isopropyl alcohol
2 pounds shea butter soap base
1 teaspoon cinnamon leaf essential oil
isopropyl alcohol or butter to coat molding
isopropyl alcohol to spray away bubbles forming on soap
­
* = Use the pumpkin pulp from your Halloween pumpkin or possibly pick up a free Halloween pumpkin from your supermarket on November 1.
** = Or substitute with 1 teaspoon cinnamon, ¼ teaspoon ground cloves, ½ teaspoon ginger, and ¼ teaspoon nutmeg.
­
SPECIAL UTENSILS
­
food processor
soap mold
spray bottle
microwave
soap slicer (optional)
­
Makes 10½ bars, 1″ wide. Takes 3 hours 30 minutes.
­
PREPARATION
­
Puree pumpkin pulp in food processor and set aside. Add orange mica powder, pumpkin spice, and 2 tablespoons isopropyl alcohol to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended.
­
Cut shea butter base into 1″ cubes. Add shea butter base to large glass measuring cups. Melt base in microwave with timer set at 30 seconds. Stir after every time. Add orange mica powder/isopropyl mix and cinnamon leaf essential oil. Stir with knife until well blended. Let sit for 6 minutes. (This inhibits pumpkin bits from settling to the bottom of the soap mold.) Add pureed pumpkin. Mix with knife until well blended.
­
Spray silicon mold with isopropyl alcohol or rub with butter. Pour into soap mold. If desired, lightly spray bubbles with isopropyl alcohol to make them disappear. Let soap sit for 3 hours. Use soap slicer to cut soap into slices 1″ wide.
­
TIDBITS
­
1) Spoiler alert, this soap, Pumpkin Shea Butter Soap uses pumpkin.
­
2) So does pumpkin pie.
­
3) So do many recipes from Africa.
­
4) Pumpkins have other uses.
­
5) Like jack o’lanterns.
­
6) Like pumpkin bowling ball.
­
7) Culinary sport historians assert that pumpkin bowling started in the northern states of the Union in 1865.
­
8) Because every Northern soldier returning home after the end of the Civil War was given 50 pumpkins when mustered out of the army.
­
9) This meant northern towns and cities became inundated with pumpkins.
­
10) Pumpkins that would eventually rot. Ugh.
­­
11) There were only so many pumpkin pies and African entrees featuring pumpkins that people would eat.
­
12) So naturally, pumpkin lawn bowling leagues sprang up in any town greater than 6 people.
­­
13) Didn’t the pumpkin bowling balls break apart when they hit the bowling pins? Yes, they did. But remember, each returning soldier returned with 50 pumpkins.
­
14) Pumpkins still remained. Pumpkin Baseball flourished for two weeks in the summer of ‘65.
­­
15) Frank Butler and Bartolomeo Diaz of Madison, Wisconsin thought up the game of basket ball on June 15th, 1865.
­
16) Pumpkin basketball was such fun. The 39 seconds of the first game thrilled the local fans.
­
17) But it took only two shots to demolish the pair of pumpkins. Madison would not get anymore pumpkins until harvest time in the fall.
­
18) By which time, people plain forgot about Pumpkin Basket Ball, what with the long days devoted to harvesting and eating pumpkin pies.
­
19) This is why June 15th is only remembered as a day to pay taxes and not by the National Basketball Association.
­

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: history, soap | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

How I Will Save The World From Bigass Comets And War

Trampoline

If you’re like me, the thought of three-mile-wide comet striking the Earth terrifies you. I mean the last time we got hit by one, woowee, things were bad! We’re talking mass extinction with exclamation points everywhere!!!! And if you’re thinking I’m making all this up, go ask a dinosaur how things went down. Couldn’t find a dinosaur, could you? See? I was right.

Oh sure, there are some good things that would come with the obliteration of humanity. Some that occur to me: are eating English toffee ice cream and not caring a bit about the calories, no waiting in line at the DMV, no more filing of estimated taxes, never ever hearing again the theme song to Barney the Dinosaur, no more election ads, AND no more spring cleaning.

But no matter how much you try to put a happy face on this, mass extinctions are a bummer. You’ll miss things like: hot-and-heavy sex, breathing, shredded beef tacos in a crispy shell, root beer, and crossword puzzles*

So overall, I think it’s best if we deal with the incoming comets that everyone talks about. Here is my plan. It is devastating in its utter simplicity.

Have the comets bounce back into space off a three-mile wide trampoline.  Tada! The world is saved.

Of course, we’ll need helicopters to fly the trampoline to wherever it will be needed, but that should be easy to arrange. And in the meantime, it’ll  be a fantastic release for millions of energetic kids the world over who love to bounce, bounce, bounce. Face it, most people start wars because they’ve spent too much time with shrieking, whining, bored kids and just plain flipped out.

So, there you go, I’m saving the world at least two times. You’re welcome. I expect to Nobel Prize any moment now.

* = If you can find someone who lets you do crossword puzzles during hot and heavy sex, propose marriage immediately.

– Paul R. De Lancey, Ph.D. and future Nobel Prize winner

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.