Last night I checked into the hospital at 7:30 pm for a sleep study. It was my second one in nine years.
At 7:30 pm, I went into my room.
at 7:45 pm, someone knocked on my door. I said, “Come in.” No one did
At 8:00 pm, my nurse, I’m not sure of my official title starting putting jelly and vaseline in my hair. Then she put electrodes, conductors on the jelly. Then a plastic seal went all over that. My neck was not neglected. All sorts of electrodes went there. She wrapped my chest and stomach in blue straps. This measured breathing or something. Electrodes or something else went on my feet and legs.
9:00 pm, she was done. “Go to sleep,” she said.
9:00 pm, except I didn’t. An electrode was placed on my finger to measure oxygen content in my blood. But she wrapped the wrapping stuff too light and hurt for the next two hours. Also, I had to try to sleep without a sleep-apnea machine. I don’t think I dozed for a few minutes. I was truly afraid that I wouldn’t sleep at all and that I would have to come back!
11:00 pm, she came back to rewrap my finger and to put me on a CPAP machine. I don’t know when I fell asleep.
6:00am or so, she came back to remove all the electrodes and stuff.
6:30am: She was done. She said I could now sleep in as long as I wanted.
6:50am: She came back for some reason.
7:150 am: Someone from the hospital blundered into my room.
7:30 am: Someone else from the hospital blundered into my room. He said he saw no sign telling him not to. There was.
7:35 am: I gave up and got dressed. I went home.
Don’t you want to party with me?
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.