Not to Do List – Today’s the End of the World


My quite helpful not-to-do lists are generally meant to describe normal days, like when the Earth be around. But dedicated people keep telling us that our World is going to end and they can’t always be wrong. In fact, a large number of folks, over six, aver that our planet will be annihilated this very day. This kind of news gives what were not going to do a new urgency. In honor of the last day of our life, here are things I really, really, really won’t be doing today:

1) I will not clean the hardened egg off the frying pan. This really is a tough job. I normally put it off for hours. But now, I can avoid forever. Woo hoo!

2) I will not change my clothes. It’s the apocalypse and I’m greeting it in my comfy jammies.

3) I will not worry about all those End-of-the Earth scenarios. They’ve been narrowed down to one, thank goodness.

4) I will not clean out the garage. This alone makes our mass destruction worthwhile.

5) I will not worry where all those orphan socks from the clothes dryer went to. They’ve gone to a better place.

6) I will not spend another day in a world with Windows 8.

7) I will not remove that big weed that’s miraculously–my gosh, I spell that word correctly on the first try–growing in a crack in the sidewalk in front of my house. We will spend our last day in a spirit of live and let live.

8) I will not eat lutefisk, not even if doing so would prevent that giant Cocoa Pebble from smashing into the Earth. Don’t judge me.  Not unless you’ve already eaten lutefisk.

9) I will not hold to my diet today. I’m having a 3 by 3 three-animal style burger, French fries-animal style, and a chocolate milkshake at In-n-Out today.

10) I will not read any software terms-of-agreement.

11) I will not go to Schnecteday, New York.

12) I will not look up the correct spelling of Schnecteday.

13) I will not move the laundry along.

14) I will not change out of my comfortable jammies.

Write and let me know what you didn’t do today.

– Paul R. De Lancey, mystic seerCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperback or Kindle


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Ayran – Bulgarian Yogurt Drink

Bulgarian Dessert

(yogurt drink)


3½ cups Bulgarian or plain yogurt
2½ cups water
½ teaspoon salt


Add yogurt to large bowl. Beat yogurt with whisk or electric blender set on medium until well blended. Add water and yogurt. Blend with whisk. Serve cold. Woo hoo! That’s it. This is simple. Woo hoo!


1) Run, Dick, run.

2) Dick, ran, ran.

3) Did Dick run?

4) Ay, ran he did.

5) Ayran, is an anagram for Ayn Ra. Ayn Ra is not related to Ayn Rand, the famed novelist of The Fountain Head. Many people love her political views. Many don’t.

6) However, everyone loves Ayn Ra. She’s a sweetheart. Not a sweatheart as many people who can’t spell would have you believe.

7) Does Ayn Ra sweat? No, she’s a descendant of Ammon Ra, Chieftain of the Egyptian Gods, god of the sun, sky and heaven, Patron deity of Egyptian Thebes, who didn’t sweat.

8) Wow! Ammon Ra has an impressive resume. He could get any job she wanted.

9) Was Ammon Ra really a god? No, but he didn’t sweat, not even under the hot Egyptian sun. That’s kinda impressive. Okay, amazingly impressive. So his fellow Egyptians started liking him a lot and when his neighbors found out that mosquitoes never bit him, well that was an enough for them to start worshiping him. Ammon Ra was cool was this. Being a god always got him invited to the most exciting parties. I mean who wouldn’t want to invite a god?

10) Ayn Ra inherited the Ra gene for non-sweating, which is good thing since she lives in Florida. Ayn currently runs a Bulgarian yogurt shop. It’s the most popular Bulgarian yogurt shop in America.

– Chef Paul


My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available in paperpack
or Kindle on

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at:

Categories: humor, cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dishwashers: Annoyances in Disguise or the Tools of the Apocalypse?


My dishwasher does not properly clean things, particularly glasses with indentations. Oh sure, if I give the dishes a quick rinse beforehand, the dishwasher does tolerably well. If I give the dishes a pre-scrub, the dishwasher does even better. In this case, I can take the washed dishes from the water waster with only a mild  post washing scrub. However, if I want the water waster to make my dishes sparkle, all I have to do is wash them completely by hand. So why do we have dishwashers if they make us do all the scrubbing anyway? And, who the heck, likes to put back those dozens of forks, knives, and spoons back in their drawer?

The benign answer is that it’s an alliance between psychiatrists and those people wishing to build desalination plants. Psychiatrists make money if we have emotional problems. If our dishwashers worked the way they should we’d never be upset. But these appliances don’t and so psychiatrists have a steady, lucrative income. (The only other problem that deranges people to the extent that dishwashers do is going to the store for chocolate doughnuts and not finding them. Fortunately, that hasn’t happened since the Chocolate Doughnut riots of Poway, CA in 1949.)

Face it, dishwashers aren’t meant to clean dishes. They are meant to waste water. When water gets wasted we run out of water. When we run out of water we have to build desalination plants. The builders of these plants make billions. So there you have it. The dishwashers just annoy us.

Or do they?

Nations that run out of water, can only survive if they steal water from neighboring countries. To successfully invade someone, you need a strong army. To successfully defend your country, you need a stronger army. To successfully invade a country with a stronger army you again need to beef up your military. A global arms race, both conventional and nuclear, will occur. Inevitably, some one with his finger on the button to launch the nuclear weapons will sneeze. The missiles will take to the sky. The targeted countries will retaliate and soon other nations will join in the fuss. Our world will be annihilated in the Dishwasher Apocalypse.


– Paul R. De Lancey, mystic seerCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperback or Kindle


Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Matambre, Argentinian Stuffed Flank Steak

Argentinian Entree

(stuffed flank steak)


2 pounds flank steak (or skirt steak)
2 eggs
2 carrots
1 celery stalk
2 garlic cloves
1 large onion
2 tablespoons olive oil (2 more tablespoons later)
¼ teaspoon pepper
¾ teaspoon salt
¾ teaspoon parsley
¼ teaspoon thyme
5 ounces spinach
2 tablespoons olive oil
5 cups beef stock
1½ cup red wine

Makes 4 plates. Takes 2 hours.


Dutch oven
kitchen mallet
kitchen twine


Butterfly steak if more than 1″ thick by slicing it lengthwise from one side to ½” of the other side. Pound the steak to flatten to less than ½” thick and to even out the thickness. Add eggs to pot. Bring to boil using high heat. Boil for 9 minutes. Remove eggs and let them cool. Peel eggs. Cut each into 4 slice along their lengths. While eggs boil, mince carrots, celery, garlic, and onion. Add carrot, celery, garlic, onion, and 2 tablespoons olive oil to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens.

Rub pepper and salt into butterflied flank steak. Sprinkle carrot/celery/onion mixture, parsley, and thyme over steak leaving a ½” border along the sides. Layer the spinach over the oniony mixture. Top with egg slices.

Tightly roll up steak into a long roll. Tie steak with kitchen twine. Tie at 1″ intervals. Put 2 tablespoons olive oil in second pan. Add steak roll to Dutch oven. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5-to-8 minutes or until steak is golden brown on all sides. Turn steak roll occasionally to ensure even browning. Add beef stock and red wine. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for about 1½ hours or until meat is quite tender. Cover Dutch oven if liquid doesn’t completely cover the steak roll. Turn occasionally to ensure even cooking.

Remove beef and place on cutting board. Cut steak roll crosswise into ½” slices. Add slices to plate. Top with beef stock/wine as desired. Goes well with small boiled potatoes such as Yukon gold. This dish is also quite tasty when served cold. Save the leftover beef stock/wine. It makes an excellent base for soup.


1) Matambre is an anagram for Beam MartTM.

2) Beam Mart is your one-stop place for all sorts of beams.

3) High beams is quite a popular sport. All of the high beams used in the Olympics are manufactured and sold by Beam Mart.

4) All.

5) India and Pakistan once were the favorites to host the Olympics for a particular year. Both tried to outdo each other with building new, state-of-the-art athletic venues and with wining and dining the Olympic committee. The competition between the two countries grew fierce. Tensions escalated rapidly. The two nations rushed infantry and tanks to their common border. Fighter planes and bombers were armed. Military commands took their “Launching Nuclear Weapons For Idiots” off their bookshelves. Generals started to jaywalk. Things looked grim.

6) Beam Mart stepped in. The company, in no-uncertain terms, told India and Pakistan to back off. If they went to war, Beam Mart would stop supplying high beams. No high beams for practicing, no gold medals for the high beams. No gold medals for the high beams, no prestige at all in the international community. Other nations, Liechtenstein included, would laugh at them. Pooh pooh even.

7) The generals wavered.

8) And no high beams for your fancy automobiles, thundered Beam Mart, if you go to war. But we must have something to show our peoples for all our effects, whimpered the military leaders.

9) So, Beam Mart sold them their famous Beam SmilesTM with only a 10% markup. The leaders of Pakistan and India quickly agreed to a comprehensive peace. And the people of both lands smiled and smiled and beamed and beamed.

10) This happy state of affairs didn’t last forever, of course, but things never again got as tense between these two countries ever again. The leaders know firsthand the power of Beam Mart and make sure never ever again to rattle their sabers so vigorously.

11) Of course, the world still has hot spots. In these cases, at least one of the angry nations has no desire to win Olympic gold medals for the high beams. It seems incredible that countries could act that way, but it’s true. There is a limit to corporate diplomacy, even for Beam Mart.

– Chef Paul


My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available in paperpack
or Kindle on

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at:

Categories: cuisine, history, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Bacon & Chocolate Party Will Outlaw Car Alarms

B&CtastyDoes anybody ever respond to car alarms? Has anybody ever responded to car alarms? Has anybody ever become an ax murderer after listening to a  car alarm, a loud car alarm, a jet-engine loud car alarm? Especially after listening to a rock-concert loud car alarm for hours? I think so. I really believe this is why our prisons are filled to capacity. They’re chock full of ax murderers who were sent over the edge by listening to a nearby Niagara Falls loud car alarm.

We must not let our community turn into ax murderers. Murder is wrong. Besides, they might murder innocent bystanders. Nope, best solve the problem by attacking the problem head on. Outlaw car alarms on all new cars. Mandate the deactivation of car alarms. What political party has the courage to enact such legislation? Bacon & Chocolate! Vote Bacon & Chocolate in 2016.

– Paul R. De Lancey, social crusaderCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperback or Kindle




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Spotlight on Mary I. Farr – Author of “The Promise in ‘Plan B’ What we bring to the next chapter in our lives

Excerpts from The Promise in Plan B: What We Bring To The Next Chapter In Our Lives



Make Time for Community
Without a sense of caring, there can be no sense of community.
—Anthony J. D’Angelo

A physiologist whose research focused on the human heart once offered me a provocative piece of information: “When you place cells from two separate hearts into a single incubating medium, they begin to communicate with one another.”

It seems that certain proteins in heart-cell membranes enable the cells to communicate with one another. Unlike other body cells, those that make up the human heart can transfer electrical energy from cell to cell. Once placed in a petri dish, the faster-beating cells tell the slower-beating cells to speed up until, eventually, the two kinds beat in unison, as one. Compelling evidence that at the very center of our beings, we humans are quite literally connected. So after all the science and technology has been applied, and all the quality assurance metrics benchmarks have been met, our mission in life comes down to just one thing—we simply cannot fail when we choose to connect with and care for one another. And caring for one another requires building and maintaining meaningful bonds through community. This lesson came early in my professional life, about the time I was unceremoniously dismissed from what I once thought was an important job.


Betsy O’Reilly—The Resourceful Planner
Productivity is never an accident. It is always the result of a commitment to excellence, intelligent planning, and focused effort.
—Paul J. Meyer

A friend and I once facilitated a retreat titled “Healing of Memories.” During the course of three days, everyone engaged in a variety of group and individual exercises, including storytelling. No surprise, the stories covered an array of harrowing topics that ranged from abuse and alcoholism to divorce and bankruptcy. At the end of the second day, the group came together for a glass of wine and an informal discussion, during which we encouraged questions and comments about the program content. After fielding a handful of remarks, I noticed an older woman named Iris sitting by herself. She wore a rather pensive expression, causing me to wonder if she might have something to say.

“Tell me, Iris, was there anything about the first two days that that resonated with your experience?” I asked.

She seemed uncomfortable with the question and took a moment to think before answering.

“Well, truthfully, I feel a little embarrassed,” she finally replied. “I’m afraid I have nothing very dramatic or painful to add to what I’ve heard so far. My life has been blessedly calm and pretty predictable.”

The Promise in Plan B

Her comments served as a good reminder that a Plan B can be blessedly calm and pretty predictable. In fact, frequently a Plan A doesn’t implode but simply runs out of steam. Other times, a natural course of events, such as aging or a move to a different state or country, precipitates creation of a new blueprint. In any case, changing direction does not require a catastrophe. We assured Iris that her calm and predictable situation qualified as both gift and asset.

Consider This: Nothing Beats a Solid Plan
One look at the daily newspaper or TV news would suggest that chaos surrounds us and mapping an even path to the future is impossible. Not true! Creating a Plan B often begins with clear thinking and steady preparation. Betsy O’Reilly provides a fine example of a great outcome that began with a great idea and a solid plan to back it up.

A move to a new home, a new job, or a new adventure prompted by children leaving for college provides the perfect occasion for us to organize our thoughts before taking a next step. Changing direction does not require pain or crisis. It might, however, require shifting our perceptions to see the hidden opportunities ahead.

Think of a time when you found yourself making a plan that was not driven by a setback or emergency. Describe the gifts or assets you brought to the planning table.
□ _Intuition?
□ _Research?
□ _Patience?
□ _Tenacity?
□ _Preparation?

What previously undiscovered or untested talents came to light during this process?

Author’s BioNewMary

Mary Farr, a retired pediatric hospital chaplain, teacher, and motivational speaker has devoted more than 30 years to exploring the worlds of hope, healing and humor. Today she has infused these life essentials into her writing, including her wildly funny and gently inspirational book Never Say Neigh. Her capacity to light up audiences with laughter inspires kindness and concern for one another.

Mary has published five books including the critically acclaimed If I Could Mend Your Heart and Peace: Intersections Small Group Series. The Promise in Plan B explores themes of grace and gratitude seasoned with a generous dose of wit. Mary has been featured in numerous publications, conferences and radio programs and has inspired audiences including women’s leadership groups, the Hazelden Foundation, integrative medicine conferences and grief and loss seminars. Through her work, she seeks to shine a light that enables others to discover new meaning and richness within their life journeys.

A graduate of the University of Wisconsin with a Bachelor of Arts degree in English, Mary completed her divinity studies in the Episcopal Diocese of Eau Claire, Wisconsin where she was ordained to the permanent diaconate in 1983. She received a Master of Arts degree from St. Catherine University in her hometown of St. Paul, Minnesota.

Categories: book reviews and excerpts | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment


American Dessert



13 tablespoons butter
1 cup unsweetened cocoa
¼ teaspoon salt
1 cup sugar
1¼ teaspoon vanilla extract
3 eggs
½ cup flour
no-stick spray.

Brownies assuming a defensive posture against lions.


8″-square baking pan
or 8″-square oven-safe casserole

Makes 16 brownies. Takes 40 minutes to cook and 45 minutes to cool, if you can wait that long.


Preheat oven to 325 degrees if you are using a baking pan and if 300 degrees if you are using a casserole dish. Add butter to pan. Cook using low-medium heat until butter melts. Stir frequently. Add cocoa. Reduce heat to low. Mix thoroughly with whisk until all lumps disappear. Remove from heat. Add salt, sugar, and vanilla extract one at a time to pan. Mix with whisk after each ingredient until mixture becomes thoroughly blended. Add eggs one at time. Mix with whisk until well blended. Add flour. Mix batter with whisk until you can no longer see any flour and there are no lumps.

Spray baking pan with no-stick spray. Pour batter into baking pan. Smooth batter with spatula. Bake batter at 325 degrees for 20-to-25 minutes or until a toothpick stuff into middle of batter comes out clean. Carefully remove 8″-x-8″ brownie from baking pan. Let cool for 45 minutes. Cut into 16 2″-square brownies.


1) The natural enemy of the feral brownie is the lion. This is why brownies inhabiting the African grasslands travel in threes. (See above picture.) There is safety in numbers.

2) Aerial combat first occurred during World War One. Single planes proved easy prey to multiple enemy planes. However, there was no favored flight formation until Burton Manley from South Africa wrote the Royal Flying Corps how brownies covering territory in a certain pattern–Shown above–rarely suffered losses to even the most ferocious lions and that maybe their pilots should do the same. The Royal Flying Corps gave it a try. It worked! British pilots dominated the skies. The war would be won. A grateful British government gave Manley a medal, a cookie and some milk.

– Chef Paul


My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available in paperpack
or Kindle on

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at:

Categories: cuisine, history, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Space Aliens and My Nose


People wonder why we never see any space aliens. It’s because they’re all teeny tiny and they fly their UFOs up my nose. My nose thinks the UFOs are pollen and I have allergies to pollen. So, my nose sneezes them out. I, like most people, sneeze at 200 mph, too much force for the itsy bitsy UFOs. The UFOs get obliterated. So we never see the UFOs.

Of course, the big questions is why would teensy weensy aliens repeatedly try to land or dock in my nose. Who knows?


– Paul R. De Lancey, a great sneezerCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperback or Kindle



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My Not to Do List – 5


I’m continuing with my virtuous inertia. Here are things I won’t be doing or eating today.

1) I will not cook or eat lutefisk. Cooking lutefisk in banned by the Geneva Convention. It looks like boogers, smells like a rat crawled on top of furnace and died, has the consistency of phlegm, and is otherwise unpalatable.

2) I will not make or eat haggis. This Scottish delicacy is an intestine stuffed with innards. Eating this food made the Scottish warriors tremendously fierce. The only reason the Scots didn’t conquer greats swaths of the world is because they kept coming up against the Vikings who ate lutefisk.

3) I will not cook or eat liver and onions. This culinary atrocity is a favorite of college cafeterias everywhere is the real reason why some 50% of students never graduate.

4) I will not eat VegamiteTM. The stench from this dried veggie/yeast paste can wake up people on the second floor even if all doors are closed. In grad school, a housemate didn’t properly put the lid back on. I had to go downstairs and . . .  I can’t go on. The memory. Augh! The memory.

5) I will not prepare food with a penguin. They have definite culinary ideas and will end up taking over your kitchen.

– Paul R. De Lancey, great no-doerCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperpack or Kindle on

Categories: cuisine, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ask Dr. Economics – Poverty




Dear Dr. Economics,

Why is there so much poverty?

– Ms. Anne Thracks, Paducah, KY


Dear Ms. Thracks,

Too many people don’t have enough money.

– Paul R. De Lancey, Dr. Economics



Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperpack or Kindle on



Categories: finance, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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