Relentless Logic

burger

 

My wife pointed to a dish with cheeseburger remnants.

“What’s this?” she asked.

“Cheeseburger,” I said.

“Why did you eat that when you knew we were going out for lunch?”

I riposted, “I wasn’t thinking.”

“How come you weren’t thinking?”

“I wasn’t thinking.”

“You should have been thinking you weren’t thinking so you could have been thinking,” she said.

“”I,” said I, “couldn’t have thinking I wasn’t thinking so I could have been thinking because I wasn’t thinking to think I could have been thinking I should have been thinking I wasn’t thinking.”

“Okay,” she said.

“Okay,” I said.

I wonder what sort of conversations did Mr. and Mrs. Rene Descartes have. Oh, for the record I only ate a half a cheeseburger as I had begun to think.

“I think I should be thinking about this cheeseburger, therefore I am.”
– Rene Descartes in his first attempt at proving his existence

- Paul R. De Lancey – culinary thinker

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Bad Artist #18, Thanksgiving Preparation

BadArtist18THANKSGIVING HAIKU #1

Defrost, damn turkey!

The guests will be arriving

In only one hour.

 

THANKSGIVING HAIKU #2

Feck! No potatoes!

Dear, will you go to the store?

What again? You dope.

 

THANKSGIVING HAIKU #3

Crudness, I forgot

To make the mashed potatoes

Will the guests notice?

- Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Serbian Bean Soup (pasulj)

Serbian Soup

BEAN SOUP
(pasulj)

INGREDIENTSSerbianBeanSoup-

3 garlic cloves
1 large onion
1 carrot
1 pound smoked sausage or other smoked meat 2½ tablespoons vegetable oil
2 bay leaves
1½ tablespoons flour
½ tablespoon paprika
1 teaspoon parsley
½ teaspoon pepper
4 peppercorns
15-ounce can cannellini or white kidney beans
2 tablespoons tomato paste
4½ cups water
½ teaspoon salt

Makes 8 bowls. Takes about 1½ hours to make.

PREPARATION

Dice garlic cloves and onion. Cut carrot and smoked sausage into ½” thick slices. Add vegetable oil, garlic, onion, and sausage to large pot. Sauté for 5 minutes on medium-high heat or until onion softens and sausage starts to brown. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to low. Add bay leaves, flour, paprika, parsley, pepper, and peppercorns. Mix to form a paste.

Add water to pot. Bring to boil using high heat. Add beans, carrot, and tomato paste. Stir until paste blends in completely. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 1 hour. Add salt. Mash the beans near the side of the pot to thicken the soup. Now you know beans.

TIDBITS

1) On June 28th, a Serbian nationalist assassinated the Archduke Ferdinand of Austria. This event triggered the horrific First World War. The Archduke had taking a carriage ride.

2) It would have all turned out much differently if the Archduke had been eating Serbian bean soup instead. No one gets assassinated in a restaurant that serves good bean soup. Suppose, you could normally kill someone, just hypothetically mind you. Once you entered the restaurant, the wonderful aromas wafting their way from the soup pots would make you so hungry you’d postpone your murderous deed until you’d have just one bowl, thank you, of wonderful bean soup. And then you’d be so full of good will to all humanity, you couldn’t kill any one. Nor under tip, even. Which is why world leaders always frequent restaurants with good bean soup.

- Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, history, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Horrible Cost of Communism

Much has been made of the communist nations horrific repression of their own peoples. Ne’er do wells such as Stalin and Mao come to mind. However, there is another evil side to communism that the mainstream media is afraid to report, the lack of golfing opportunities. Why just in our own hemisphere,  we have Cuba with its two golf courses. Two. That sun-swept land would have had hundreds of golf courses if  the country had only been a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, a telemarketer junta. Anything.

I blame communism completely for this lamentable lack of golf courses. Year after year, Cuba embarrasses itself with its non-existent production of world class golfers.

The United States, a democracy, is fertile ground for golfers. So are the countries of western Europe. Not many top golfers come from eastern Europe. However, eastern Europe is still coming out from the effects of Soviet communism. Producing golfers will take time.

I watched a South Korean golfer on T.V.–what’s his name?–win a major tournament. South Korea is a democracy. Sure, it was a dictatorship for decades before that. The point remains, though, South Korea was never communist and so is a credible global golfing power.

Sure, Thailand gets hit with tsunamis and suffers periodic military coups and frequent prolonged bouts with  widespread civil unrest. However, this country too was never communist. Indeed, at least for a while, it mandated that all officers in its military become proficient in golfing.

So, if you value your golfing freedom, and I hope you do, in which country would you prefer to live and golf, South Korea or Cuba?

Fortunately, a new day dawns. A few years ago, Cuba announced it would let foreign investors take 99-year leases on Cuban lands. Right away, at least one foreign company  announced plans to build up to 10, or was it 100 golf courses; I forget which. But either way, Cuba will be free to golf. The world has gotten brighter. Bluebirds sing.

But the horror of communism continues elsewhere, witness the hair style of North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un. Be afraid, very afraid.

- Paul R. De Lancey – political commentator

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Bad Artist #17, Appreciation

BadArtist17CARBON HAIKU #1

Carbon, oh carbon!

Though you’re the eight element

I like you the best.

 

CARBON HAIKU #2

Carbon, oh carbon!

You’re in every pencil,

and all grammar schools.

 

- Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cartoon, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad Artist #16, Churches

BadArtist16

CHURCH POLE VAULTING HAIKU #1

I fly through the air

With such magnificent ease

Because you will not move.

 

CHURCH POLE VAULTING HAIKU #2

You are quite unable

To move toward the middle.

So I must pole vault.

- Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Ugandan Chapati

Ugandan Appetizer

CHAPATI

INGREDIENTSChapati-

1 garlic clove
¼ red onion
2 cups flour
1 teaspoon salt
⅔ cup water (about)
1 tablespoon vegetable oil (additional 12 tablespoons later)
12 tablespoons vegetable oil (1 tablespoon per side of chapati)

PREPARATION

Mince garlic and red onion. Add flour and salt to large mixing bowl. Mix with whisk. Make dough by slowly adding water. Knead or smoosh with hands after each addition of water. The dough has enough water when it sticks together and is just a bit moist. Add 1 tablespoon oil to dough. Knead with hands. Add minced garlic and red onion and knead dough once more. Cover dough and let sit for 20 minutes.

Separate dough into 6 balls. Roll dough out into circles ¼” to ½” thick. Add 1 tablespoon oil to pan for each side of chapati. Heat oil using medium-high heat. Fry dough circles, chapati, one at a time. Fry each side for 1-to-1½ minutes or until golden brown. Monitor the frying of the chapati. You will need to reduce the cooking time or temperature as the temperature of the oil increases.

Chapati goes great with rolex, Ugandan rolled eggs.

TIDBITS

1) It is not advisable to keep nitroglycerine around the house when making chapati.

2) What if you dropped the mixing bowl on the floor? Well, the loud noise it would make might cause the nitroglycerine to explode.

3) Then where would you be?

4) All over the place. All over the neighborhood in fact.

5) Even if you managed to pull yourself together after all this fuss, your chapati would be a goner. And how would you start over with your kitchen destroyed? Don’t even think of asking your neighbors to use their kitchen. You now have a reputation as a messy cook. People will shun you until you give them chocolate doughnuts and chocolate doughnuts are mighty hard to share.

- Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad Artist #15, Supermarkets

BadArtist15

SUPERMARKET HAIKU #1

Blocking the aisle.

Have you taken up residence?

Please make up your mind.

 

SUPERMARKET HAIKU #2

Blocking the aisle.

Hey, are you memorizing

The ingredients?

 

- Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cartoon, food, humor | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Nigerien Peanut Chicken Stew

Nigerien Entree

PEANUT CHICKEN STEW

INGREDIENTSPeanutChickenStew-

3 chicken breasts
1 small eggplant*
1 leek
1 medium onion
3 potatoes
4 tomatoes
4½ tablespoons peanut butter
2½ tablespoons peanut oil
1 cup chicken broth
1 pili pili pepper (or Thai chile, Fresno chile, bird’s eye pepper, or ½ teaspoon cayenne)
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt

* = Not everyone loves eggplant. Don’t worry though if you hate eggplant. You don’t have to put it in the recipe and you needn’t worry about being unauthentic for excluding it. Most of the time cooks use whatever vegetables are at hand. If a guest queries you about the missing eggplant–and how many people do you know have knowledge of Nigerien cuisine?–simply say, “Sorry, this recipe comes from a region of Niger where they simply don’t have eggplant.” If the guest still complains, zap him with your sonic obliterator. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

PREPARATION

Cut chicken breasts into 1″ cubes. Cut eggplant into ½”-thick slices. Dice leek. and onion. Cut potatoes into 1″ cubes. Remove seeds from chile pepper. Dice chile pepper.

Peel skins from tomatoes. A good way to do this is by boiling the tomatoes. Add water to pot. Bring water to boil using high heat. While water is coming to boil, make a cut all the way around each of the tomatoes. Put tomatoes in boiling water for 20 seconds. Remove tomatoes and place them in a bowl of ice water. The skins should come off easily. Now dice tomatoes.

Add chicken cubes, leek, onion, and peanut oil in large pot. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until chicken cubes and leek and onion soften. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to low Add chicken broth, eggplant, peanut butter, potato, tomato, chile pepper, pepper, and salt. Cover and simmer for 40 minutes or until potato cubes are soft. Peanut chicken stew goes well with white rice.

TIDBITS

1) Niger’s women give birth to 7.37 children. That’s an average, of course. Still, it makes you think. Nigerien women eat eggplant. They have lots of kids. Presumably, one could practice birth control by not eating any eggplant.

- Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Great Moments in Literature and Literary Criticism

 temp

The following line comes from a well-known and well-respected author of Westerns,

“He could feel the heat from below; since heat rises, …”

Whoa! Heat rises? Did the author do his research?

. . .

Okay, now here is where the great moment in literary criticism comes in. I wrote down that quote but not the author’s name. I think the quote came from one of Clarence E. Mulford’s Hopalong Cassidy novels, but I’m not sure. I did read the book, but forgot the title. Or maybe I listened to it as an audio book. There you go.

- Paul R. De Lancey – soon to be out of work literary critic

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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