Great Excuses For Late Homework

 1) Teacher, I wrote my homework on paper made of matter. While I was walking to school, my homework paper collided with homework paper made of anti-matter. Woowee! It was almost theSurlyPotatoes end of the universe. Thank goodness, it wasn’t, huh? Anyway, my homework and the anti-homework obliterated each other.

- (your name here)

2) My homework got contaminated with ebola.  Turning it in would only put you at great risk.

3) Plate tectonics, need I say more?

4) I was so tired when I did my homework that I inadvertently switched over to the ancient Incan language. Unfortunately, I don’t speak Ancient Incan, so I’ll need more time to redo it in English.

Surly potatoes

5) Lutefisk vendors moved into the neighborhood. Things got ugly.

6) I wrote my homework on edible paper. Then the dog ate it.

7) The dog ralphed the homework back up, but I figured you wanted something with clean, attractive margins.

8) My homework was erased from the hard drive by the NSA before I could print it out.

11) I took a shortcut to school through Boko Haram territory and they burned my homework in hatred for all Western teaching.

12) I got depressed over Sweden’s treatment in the Treaty of Westphalia in 1648.

13) I’m living backward in time like Benjamin Button. I just haven’t unwritten it yet.

14) The mysterious forces that take single socks from the clothes dryer have switched to taking my homework.

15) Spontaneous combustion. Hoo boy! Good thing it didn’t happen while you were grading it.

16) I wrote it on ancient papyrus. London’s Museum of Egyptology wanted the papyrus back.

17) My homework got sucked into a black hole that’s parked outside my front door. Come in through the back if you want to speak to my parents.

18)  There were surly potatoes between me and my homework.

- Paul R. De Lancey, friend of students everywhere.

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: Uncategorized, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Be Very Afraid

jet

I got an internet ad enticing me to fly a plane, no experience necessary. Darn exciting offer,  yet I declined. I fear my piloting would end up as high-impact aerobics. Also, property values along my proposed flight path would likely plummet as soon as word got out. On the other hand, this is a mistake I could only make once.

“He flies through the air
“with the greatest of ease,
“The daring young man
“With the flying machine.”

- Paul R. De Lancey, Intrepid Birdman

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Filipino Pancit

Filipino Entree

PANCIT

INGREDIENTSPancit-

1 pound chicken breast
4 garlic cloves
⅓ cup soy sauce
10 ounces rice noodles
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
½ head cabbage
8 ounces de-veined shrimp
¼ teaspoon pepper
3 lemons

Takes a bit more than an hour
Makes 9 bowls

PREPARATION

Cut chicken into ½” cubes. Mince garlic cloves. Add chicken, half of the minced garlic, and soy sauce to mixing bowl. Coat chicken cubes with garlic and soy sauce. Let chicken marinate for 1 hour.

While chicken marinates, add rice noodles to large mixing bowl. Cover noodles with warm water. Let sit for 30 minutes. Drain completely.

While chicken marinates and rice noodles sit in warm water, shred cabbage. Add oil and second half of the minced garlic to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until garlic softens. Stir frequently. Add chicken cubes and its marinade to pan. Sauté for another 5 minutes or until chicken starts to brown. Stir frequently.

Add cabbage, shrimp, and pepper to pan. Cook for 5 minutes on medium heat or until cabbage becomes tender and shrimp turns orange and is no longer translucent. Add rice noodles to pot. Cook on medium for 3 minutes or until noodles are warm. Stir occasionally. Serve in bowls. Cut each lemon into 6 slices. Garnish each bowl of pancit with 2 lemon slices.

TIDBITS

1) Filipino doctor Aguilar discovered the antibiotic “erythromycin.”

2) Whatever that is.

3) A Filipino scientist invented the flourescent lamp. Well maybe, lots of people helped it along.

4) Why is spell check claiming I misspelled “flourescent?” Okay, the dictionary says it’s “fluorescent.” In Chef Versus Spell Checker, Spell Checker wins. Bummer.

- Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad Artist #9, The Scream

BadArtist9

Fortunately, Mr. Munch, love the name, deposits his paychecks directly to the car dealership.

And now a haiku for car repair bills.

 

#$%@@! $%#&*

%^(*{!@ !@#%*+ ++|!

!@#@@##

 

- Paul the Bad Artist

 

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

-

Categories: cartoon, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Invite Syria’s Assad Over For Dinner and Root Beers

RootBe1-

Bashar al-Assad, president and dictator of Syria is getting way too cranky and needs to step down. And if the only thing that’s making him cling so tenaciously to power is the lack of a good retirement dinner, I, the Powegian Chef, am hereby offering it to him at my humble home.

So, Bashar, do you like Greek cuisine? I have fresh grape leaves growing in my front yard. Or would you prefer a fine Cuban sandwich? I’ll leave the menu to you. Just let me know.

We could watch reruns of Gunsmoke after dinner. We have a fold-out sofa bed if you’d care to stay the night. For the first ten minutes of the next day we could visit the cultural sites of Poway, twenty if we’re lucky enough to see street repair.

My wife could expertly cut your hair. Just a trim, of course, your hair always looks great. And just how do you find time to go to barbers when you’re always so busy killing off your people? Some of those victims surely must be barbers and that means it’s even tougher to get that haircut-to-kill for look . Yep, it can’t be easy being a maniacal dictator. But I’m being uncharitable. We all have our faults. Me, I’m constantly losing my car keys.

But I digress. We were talking about dinner. Frankly, a person as odious as yourself deserves to be fed lutefisk. But in the spirit of live and let live, I’ll serve you any other meal you’d might want. We’ll even have ice cold root beers. If that doesn’t make you warm and fuzzy enough to call off your civil war, I don’t know what will. C’mon over Bashar!

- Paul De Lancey, concerned world citizen

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Filipino Chicken Adobo

Filipino Entree

CHICKEN ADOBO

INGREDIENTSChickenAdobo-

6 garlic cloves
2 pounds chicken breasts
6 tablespoons soy sauce
3 bay leaves
½ cup vinegar
1¾ cups water
½ tablespoon peppercorns
1 teaspoon salt

SPECIAL UTENSIL – OPTIONAL

herb infuser (quite similar to tea infuser)

PREPARATION

Mince garlic. Cut chicken into 1″ cubes. Add garlic, chicken, and soy sauce to mixing bowl. Turn chicken cubes until well coated with garlic and soy sauce. Marinate in refrigerator for 2 hours.

Add chicken cubes and its marinade and the rest of the ingredients. (If you have an herb infuser, play peppercorns in it. Attach peppercorn lader herb infuser to pot.) Bring to boil using medium heat. reduce heat to low and simmer for 30 minutes or until sauce thickens to desired consistency.

TIDBITS

1) There are 11 million Filipinos living outside the Philippines. These expatriates missed it when the Philippines hosted the world’s largest, mass public breast-feeding event in. Filipinos are still buzzing about that. That’s why they text more than all Americans and Europeans combined.

2) Life is not all breast feeding in the Philippines. The island nation has a dark side. It invented karaoke.

3) Interrogators from at least one nation have played the Barney the Dinosaur theme song to break the resistance of captured soldiers. However, no country has subjected its prisoners to Barney the Dinosaur karoake. There is only so much you can make good people to do, even in war.

5) Indeed, famished and weary travelers the world over are always admonished to leave their guns in their cars when entering establishments advertising themselves as “karaoke bars and grills.”

6) The yo-yo was invented in the Philippines as a weapon. As of the upcoming July, yo-yos will be banned in all karaoke bars.

- Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad Artist #8, Chiseling

BadArtist8

Very Simple Chiseling Haiku

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, oops.

- Paul the Bad Artist

 

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cartoon, history, humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Our Land’s Welfare Leeches

 turtles

The welfare system continues to spiral out of control. Millions and millions dollars of our tax dollars flow into the lazy mouths of these lazy bums who do little but sleep, eat, and make more lazy bums. A great many of these welfare kings and queens hail from other countries without even the most basic of IDs such as drivers’ licenses. Indeed they thumb their noses, metaphorically at least, at us, the taxpaying citizens of this great land. Who are these burdens to the American economy?

The creatures in our nation’s zoo. As the great philosopher Hobbes, or someone else, could have said, “There is an implicit social contract between our zoos and its critters. The zoo provides food and shelters. The animals therein provide entertainment by jumping up and down, running, chattering, and at the very least moving.”

But do our zoo’s animal do much moving? Heck no. They sleep, sleep, and sleep. Big whoop. The worst offenders are the koalas, turtles  and lions who sleep twenty hours a day and for whom the act of munching on their grub makes their little black hearts beat like jackrabbits. What will gets these sleeping bum off the their butts?

Speed? Well, no. It’s illegal, isn’t it? At least for people it is. And I, for one, don’t want any of the zoo’s purchasers going to jail.

But what about high-energy drinks? One of those little bottles gets a person whizzing about for about five hours. Imagine how long it would get a tiny koala going? Heck we might even get to see those koalas pole vaulting and boxing each other.

Or since the lions and turtles sleep so much because they need all their energy to digest their stupid gazelle butts and turtle pellets, why not feed them something all our red-blooded American kids love, breakfast cereal packed with hig- energy sugar? I tell ya, fifty bowls of little sugar bombs in the lions’ breakfast bowls would get those lions roaring. Or how about hearing turtles roar? They’re usually ever so quiet. I tell you one could visit a zoo fifty times and never hear a turtle roar. Well, I want to hear a turtle roar. Don’t you?

Or even better have the roaring turtles do honest-to-goodness 100-yard dashes, one’s where they sprint as quickly as Usain Bolt.  Wouldn’t that draw those paying crowds into our nation’s zoos?

- Paul De Lancey, concerned citizen

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sococho (Panamanian Soup)

Panamanian Soup

SOCOCHO

INGREDIENTSSococho-

4 garlic cloves
1 large onion
2 tomatoes
2 pounds yucca or cassava root
1½ pounds potatoes
2 pounds boneless chicken parts
2 teaspoons olive oil (additional ½ tablespoon later)
1 tablespoon cilantro
½ teaspoon oregano
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon olive oil
4 cups chicken stock

SPECIAL UTENSILS

Dutch oven
rocker knife or knife with thick blade

Serves 8 bowls and can take up to 2 hours to prepare depending on the battle between you and the yucca root goes.

PREPARATION

Mince garlic cloves. Dice onion and tomatoes. Peel yucca and cut it into ½” cubes. (Cutting yucca root is much easier with rocker knife or thick-bladed knife.) Chop potatoes into ½” cubes. Cut chicken into 1″ cubes. Add 2 teaspoons olive oil, cilantro, oregano, salt, and chicken to mixing bowl. Thoroughly coat chicken with herb/salt/olive oil mix. Let marinate for 20 minutes.

While chicken marinates, add ½ tablespoon olive, garlic, and onion to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Add chicken and its herb/salt/olive oil marinade to large soup pot. Cook on medium heat for 10 minutes or until chicken is no longer pink inside. Stir occasionally. (How about “Pink Chicken” as a name for avant garde band?)

Add chicken stock to soup pot. Keep heat on medium. Add potato and yucca to pot, cover, and cook for 45-to-60 minutes or until potato and yucca are tender. Add tomatoes and cook for an additional 5 minutes.

TIDBITS

1) Van Halen has a song called, “Panama.” A lot of people thought the words were actually “Padded bra.”

2) Either version makes as much sense in the song.

3) I keep hearing Chrissie Hynde and the Pretenders singing, “I’m gonna make you, make you malteds.” I like the idea of a famous singer making me a malted. I do prefer them over milkshakes.

4) Does anyone else hear “Do the hustle” as “Tuna hustle?” How does a tuna hustle?”

5) And of course, Creedence Clearwater Revival tell us, “There’s a bathroom on the right.” That’s nice to know.

6) Okay, okay, tidbits 1) to 5) are a prime example of what happens what I look up fun facts for a country and find nothing exciting except . . .

7) In Panama, the sun rises in the Pacific and sets in the Atlantic.

8) This is because time runs backward in Panama

9) In Panama, the people use American dollars for transaction involving paper currency, but their own home-grown coins, the Balboas for vending machines and buses.

10) Panama’s coins are named after Rocky Balboa the hero of all those Rocky boxing movies.

11) How is it possible that the Balboa coins came before the Rocky movies but are named after the series’ main character? Time runs backward in Panama. Remember tidbit 8)?

12) People in Panama win all the American lotteries, since they know all the winning numbers.

13) But they lose the big jackpots when they exchange all that loot when they buy their lottery tickets. Does this frustrate the Panamanians?

14) Yes it does.

15) Invariably the American lotteries are then won by Americans or by citizens of other nations where time moves forward.

16) Augh! I’ve lost my train of thought.

17) Whew, I’ve got it back. Time gets a bit dicey when passing from a country where time moves forward to Panama where it regresses. Often people crossing the Costa Rica/Panamanian border find themselves in a sort of stasis field where time doesn’t move at all.

18) Which is a boon for parents of surly teenagers. If you have the cash, simply deposit your young know-it-all, whatever, in anyone of the stasis fields dotting the border there and leave him there.

19) Don’t forget to take your child home when he’s old enough to leave home for good.

20) You get up to eight years of clean bedrooms and the teenagers won’t get embarrassed by your ignorance. It’s a win-win situation.

- Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, history, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad Artist #7, Salvador Dali and Comcast

BadArtist7

Modern Art Haiku

I don’t understand you
And you do not understand me
Let’s have a root beer.

- Paul the Bad Artist

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

 

 

 

Categories: humor, international, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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