Monthly Archives: February 2024

I Have Questions

You have been warned.

This sign confuses me.

It reads: “Prop 65 Furniture Warning”

When I first saw it, reflection from the Sun produced glare that obliterated the letters “rni” in the word “Furniture.”

The sign now apparently read: “Prop 65 Future warning.”

You have to admit that is pretty darn exciting. Are Martians from the year 2525 coming back to enslave Californians? And why are doing this? Do they want our avocados?

1)  Is the state of California, or its voters, merely trying to warn us in a big way about the future? But how are we to heed this warning?

2) Are we trying warn the future? Oh ho future, don’t mess with California.

But seen from the proper angle, the correct reading of the sign emerges.

1) But why is our furniture warning us? Are we voting our response to furniture’s warning?

2)  Is California’s furniture unruly? Is this proposition an answer to furniture hooligans? Couldn’t we simply say, “Now see here, furniture, we’ll have none of this behavior around here.”

I better read the voter’s pamphlet. So behave yourselves, I’ll be busy.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: Brace Yourselves, danger, explanations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

What I Did This Very Day

I drank one ounce of this bad boy.

1)  Got up.

2) Got out of bed.

3) Dragged a comb across my head.

4) Became inspired to write a really great song.

5) Realized the Beatles had beaten me to publishing the song. Missed it by that much.

6) Showered.

7) Dressed. It’s cold out there.

8)  Tried to double my savings by thinking it about really hard.

9) My mental telepathy failed me there.

10) Thought really, really hard about stopping the meteor, Bacon123ka, from hitting the Earth.

11) My mental force field obliterated the comet. Woo hoo, I saved the world!

12) But no one knows I did it. Ah well, such is life.

13) Went to eye therapy.

14) Came back.

15) Ordered something to help me with the Great Latch Hook Project.

16) I walked 500 miles.

17) And I walked 500 more just to be the guy who’d walk 1,000 to get to your front door.

18) But you weren’t home. Bummer. And I walked 500 miles and I walked 500 more just to get back to my front door.

19) My feet are sore.

16) Made beer-sourdough bread.

17) I had one-ounce of near left over after the bread recipe, so I chugged it down just to drown my sorrows.

18) Dinner is next.

Behave yourselves.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: what I did | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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